Gay and depressed?

are you happy or gay and depressed?

Gay and depressed? By Lee Dalloway

It would seem the two words are becoming as synonymous as fish and chips. A bold statement maybe, but I’m full of them, especially if they make people think about things they don’t necessarily want to. This theory comes from almost a decade of working and playing on London’s glittering gay scene, not so much using it a litmus test for the wider gay populace, but going by the notion that this is the section of our community that’s supposedly ‘out ‘n’ proud’… so why does there appear to be so much personal unhappiness when you scratch the thin veneer of booze, sex, drugs and partying?

A recent study at London’s University College hospital found “significantly higher” rates of mental illness among gay men verses their straight counterparts. Again, this isn’t concrete proof, but it highlights an issue that we should all be more aware of and vigilant about, both for ourselves and the people we care about.

Sexual health warnings and information are splattered everywhere, decorating the gay scene like magnolia paint does a council estate. Many of us have frequented the GP or clap clinic, perhaps even joked after one too many bevs of seeing that horrendous green ooze dripping from your knob. But mental health can be like the deformed, red-headed stepchild, locked away quietly in a room that no one likes to open – taking a good look at what lies inside will not be easy. Sexual health issues drive the fear of impending physical degradation, a loss of vitality to oneself and the wider world (and a real barrier to getting your end away), whereas mental health issues are much more dark and subtle; easier to hide from others, and yourself, but more destructive in the grand scheme of things.

“Depression is an invisible beast sitting on your shoulder”

The word ‘depression’ can often conjure images of tragic figures, rolling around a bedsit, wearing a grey cardigan and feeling sorry for themselves. To give it a more accurate visual representation, depression is an invisible beast sitting on your shoulder, which gets bigger or smaller depending on your current situation, and your reactions and interactions with what’s around you. Don’t kid yourselves, everyone has this beast. But for many, it’s largely tameable; a tiny, nagging voice of gloom after a bad day, heated argument or long weekend. She’s usually back in her box after a few days. But when the beast gets too big for too long, it literally weighs you down and becomes impossible to shake off. It fools you into thinking alcohol and drugs will make it go away, when they’re actually pumping it up to steroidific proportions.
 

Sounds obvious, but how many of you have gone into a spiral of misery, or are in fact in one now? Because the beast doesn’t have any audio/visual capabilities to warn you that you’re fucked up, the glaring sign you’re probably not noticing is what it represents – self doubt. And when self doubt becomes all-consuming, people stop realising that they’re actually in control and can shake the beast off at any time. Then you spiral to the core of many problems – self loathing.

On top of being humans, and all the physical and psychological bullshit which comes with that, a number of gay men (in the Western world) appear to have a real inferiority complex when it comes to our role in society – especially compared to straight guys. Homophobia is still one of the more widely accepted ‘isms’ around the world; it can take in everything from playground teasing, despicable vitriol whilst hiding behind a bible to public executions of gay men. We’ve been both subconsciously and overtly told we’re shit from day one; we may have spent our entire formative years listening to a legacy of collected ignorance and bollocks. Just the very fact that we have to “come out” dictates our ‘place’ in society and constructs the first of many barriers.

Then, as soon as we’re old enough, some head straight out to have drug-fuelled sex with anonymous strangers in a dark room. Of course I’m not saying all dungeon sex is linked to depression, and I’m not judging here, I’ve done it myself. But whether this is genuinely a good way of getting our rocks off or whether we feel subconsciously ashamed of who we are and what we’re doing, we’ll never truly know. An honest survey of the motives behind a casual cottage jolly or nameless sauna shuffle can’t be measured in a way that would legitimately address the question.

We’re men – we think with our cocks, but are some of us perpetuating (and I’m loath to use the word) a stereotype of gay men being slags? Unable to hold down a relationship because we’re scared to show another person who we are, warts, beasts and all, because it’s ingrained in us that we’re not worthy of love? That we loathe ourselves so much that we feel we don’t deserve love; something that every single human being wants deep down?

Image by PDPics from Pixabay

Image by PDPics from Pixabay 

The most effective method of combating self-doubt is communication. A network of good friends is invaluable, because you not only get to share issues, but you soon realise that we’re ALL semi-lunatics just muddling through life the best we can. However, I cannot stress how helpful talking therapy can be.

There’s still a certain amount of stigma associated with counselling – you’re perceived as either a dribbling, straight-jacketed nut job or a bored Californian housewife who thinks her cat hates her. Wrong. The most difficult step for many people is saying what’s bothering them out loud, especially to a stranger, because then what you’re feeling is real. It’s out there, you’re going to be judged and, most importantly, you’re going to have to deal with it. But a counsellor isn’t there to judge you, or tell you what you should be doing, they’re there to help you clear out the crap in your brain, and help pinpoint the things that aren’t making you happy. They’re objective observers who can be more honest than the friends who love you and may not want to hurt you. Plus, you get to talk about yourself to someone who’s bound to a chair for a whole hour – if you’re a loudmouth like me, it really is a great release!

Depression isn’t a sign of weakness or instability; it’s a serious illness, usually with no outward physical effects. Antidepressants are used to increase neurotransmitters in the brain but DO NOT get to the root of the issue, which is why they are almost always administered in conjunction with talking therapy. Your problems may seem small or trivial, but if you get the slightest hint that they’re starting to override your life, don’t sit in the deafening silence of your own negative thoughts, or try to wash it away with booze – the cycle will never stop.

The ultimate pay-off to needless self-loathing is a death too soon, either by a legacy of abuse to the body (hey, even smoking is a form of self-abuse when you think about it) or even by suicide. I’ve tried to end my own life twice over the years, something, thus far, only three dear friends have known about me. But I got lucky and thankfully lived to see that I definitely don’t want to go down that road again. Three just might be the magic number, and, like avoiding spoilers for my beloved TV crack habit, EastEnders, I don’t want to know how my story ends without seeing the final act. And neither should you.

The older you get, the more you may realise life can be tough – it throws enough turmoil at you without you creating more for yourself internally. And there are cunts everywhere! But come on – we’ve all been one of those cunts at some point. Take heart that someone who appears to be a one all the time may have been taken over by their self-loathing beast; maybe because of that they want to take it out on you and yours.

We battle from the day we’re born to the very end, but you were the fastest sperm – you’ve earned the right to be here. Whilst I can’t sit here and say that therapy is for everyone, it’s helped me and a fair few people I know achieve a much more secure outlook on life. I learned that all you can do is be a flawed but positive person who aims to try their best, learn from their bullshit and treat others how they would like to be treated. For me, self-affirmation really is that simple.


GAY AND DEPRESSED? HELP IS AVAILABLE.

There are a wide range of organisations that provide or will help you find a therapy that suits you. It’s also worth going to see your GP for an initial consultation, many areas now provide a course of six counselling sessions for free. Waiting lists vary depending on your surgery/borough and can take up to three months, but if you do need someone to talk to, the sooner you go, the sooner you can start resolving your issues…

www.pacehealth.org.uk – Individual and couples counselling, group workshops and more at no or low cost.

www.londonfriend.org.uk/counselling – One to one counselling for a range of personal, emotional and wellbeing issues for the LGBT community.

www.gmipartnership.org.uk – Sexual health counselling, Cognitive Behavioural Therapy and peer mentoring.

www.tht.org.uk – Including HIV counselling, Connect (low cost LGBT counselling), online counselling.

www.metrocentreonline.org – Short and long term counselling, groups and workshops, drop-in support, 1-2-1 crisis meeting.

www.counselling-directory.org.uk – A support network of UK counsellors and psychotherapists, with information on their training and experience, areas of counselling, fees and contact details.

www.positiveeast.org.uk – Dedicated support groups, plus 1–2–1 counselling and mentoring for those living with and affected by HIV in East London.

www.mind.org.uk – An in-depth guide on counselling.

www.gmfa.org.uk – A list of support groups.

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