Why, when we are so open about our sexuality are we so closed when it comes to disclosing our HIV status?
I first found out about my HIV status at my local sexual health clinic; I had not long been dating a guy and it seemed the sensible thing to do. Now usually results are texted through a week after your visit, but for some reason their text service was down.
So they made an appointment for me to go back the following week to collect my results instead of having to wait an agonising four weeks. A week passed fairly quickly, as to be honest I was quietly confident that I had nothing to worry about having been given a clear bill of sexual health three months prior.
I arrived for my appointment andwas called into a side room, the guy that saw me thought I was there for tests, instantly I was thinking he must have me confused with someone else, so I nervously told him that I was just there to collect my results! Ok he said scrolling down on his computer screen… he then turned to me and just blurted out, “so your HIV test came back positive!”
I froze for what seemed like hours but could only have been a few minutes, when he said, “so you wasn’t expecting that.” I remember thinking, “of course I wasn’t expecting that you dumb arse!”
I only just managed to hold back any further tears as I walked back through a busy waiting room towards the exit. I had only 2 things going through my mind at that point: I want my mum… and how do I tell my partner?
As soon as I got out of the clinic I called my mum and somehow managed to tell her through my uncontrollable sobbing that I had been tested positive for HIV. My mum was three hours away by car but immediately set off to come and get me. There’s nothing more comforting than the hug you get from your mum, and that is exactly what I needed!
So while I waited for my mum to arrive, I found a bench in the square where I sat alone with my phone in my hand wondering how I was going to tell him. How do you tell a guy who you were falling for, that you have HIV? I couldn’t think straight let alone come up with a sensitive way to break the news, so I just came straight out with it, “I’ve just tested positive for HIV!”
“So, your HIV test came back positive…”
Despite the initial shock, I have to say his reaction was very admirable. I had expected him to run a mile! But he didn’t, he became my rock over the days that followed, and I honestly don’t know how I would have got through it without him by my side.
Finding out that I am HIV positive was without a doubt the hardest thing I’ve ever had to deal with, and I’m sure I will still be dealing with the reality of having HIV for the rest of my life one way or another.
Since being diagnosed back in June I have been through a lot of different emotions: shock, depression, fear, anger, feeling like I was dirty and asking myself ‘why me, what did I do to deserve this?’
The answer although hard to admit is quite simple… I was unsafe and its only with hindsight that I look back now and wish I’d listened to the advice that so many of us choose to ignore!
I had always been aware of HIV. I knew it was a virus and that there was no cure, that it was mainly transmitted through unprotected anal sex or through oral sex if you were really unlucky. But it’s not until I was faced with the reality of actually testing positive that I was educating myself on the ins and outs of this virus that is becoming an epidemic in the gay community.
Having discovered the scary statistics I found myself thinking too little too late… but for many of you out there it is not too late.
Just five months in, I find myself strangely accepting of my new status and optimistic of a healthy future, yet I am left with just one major hang-up: disclosure. The big ‘D’ word. When, where and how do you disclose your status, and how do you deal with the prejudice surrounding HIV when you’re single, in your twenties and looking for love?
Why are we so scared of disclosing our status? Is it the fear of rejection or the fear of ridicule? Is it not more liberating to be open and honest about who we are, or are we better kept out of sight and out of mind? Well, I for one am not going to hide away and pretend this hasn’t happened to me.
OK I have HIV, but I’m still me! Maybe if HIV wasn’t so taboo and people started to stand up and speak about it, we would be more educated and aware of the need to be safe when having sex?
I know it’s hard coming to terms with being diagnosed HIV positive… and believe me I was sick of hearing that it’s no longer a life sentence! But it really isn’t, providing its caught early and maybe if we stop being so scared of talking about it… we can start to raise awareness and stop people thinking ‘it won’t happen to me’ because I thought that and it did.
