Cabin crew to cross-dress, Pam Ann is back and as bitchin’ as ever as she prepares to crash-land into the Bloomsbury Theatre for a massive run of shows. Cliff Joannou managed to blag his way into her hotel room on her recent London layover for a gossip and gang-bang…
Oh Pammy! We’ve missed you. Where the fuck have you been?
I have been face down in a pillow getting fucked by a US Marine. Oh, sorry you meant my travel stories. Well, this year I have been to Sydney where I saw in the New Year with a gaggle of gays all high on coke, got no cock in OZ, no chocolate out there and I don’t do Aborigines, but hey never say never. I have added Darwin to my Aussie tour. I have been to Berlin where I was presenting Lufthansa with the ‘Best Gay Airline’ Award. I know really I thought I should’ve got that award! In Berlin stayed in the authentic 1960s Pan Am Penthouse – it’s where the crew stayed and hung out back in the 60’s – and the event was held at the Pan Am Lounge; it was so cool. I ended the night drinking cheap wine surrounded by 40 hot naked Lufthansa ‘gay’ crew. And most recently I flew to Tel Aviv where I was performing for the first time. Fuck me the Israeli boys are hot, and I really enjoyed being double fisted through Israel security.
They’re still doing that? You are based in New York now. How’s it going out there? Do you find there’s a difference between the audiences there and the show you put on elsewhere?
New York is the best thing I have ever done. I love that city like a boyfriend and speaking of boys they make them mighty fine here. I found my niche market – they love a big booty. I find it easier to perform in New York because the expectation doesn’t seem to be as intense as it is in London, so I can relax a bit without people whining ‘She said ‘Virgin’ last time’! [Laughs] But you do have to be on your game in New York cos they’ve seen it ALL.
And the men – and by that I mean the cock? What are the main differences?
Once you go black you don’t go back, once you go Rican you don’t go seekin’, once you go Jew there’s nothing left to do!
So, tell us about this hot marine we hear you’ve been banging?
He doesn’t drink, smoke or do drugs. What the fuck? He is my Viagra, especially when he is in his US Marine uniform. DAMN! He is super fit and has been whipping my ass into shape in more ways than one. He has been the best influence in my life right now. OMG, you gays would love to get your mitts on him, but hands fucking off!
But now you’re back in the UK with a new show. Reveal more ma’am! What can we look forward to?
It’s all brand new, pretty much. I don’t want to say 100% brand new cos you bitches will come at me like an Asian with a flour bomb. I am really excited to be debuting two new videos, which I am not saying a thing about as I want it to be a surprise. I have an amazing set which my brother designed, plus lots of new gadgets. For example I have a Pam Cam that I can roam the audience with, and they will be beamed up on the video screen – that’s if it works out how we are thinking it will. Oh and DJ Wayne G remixed ‘New York to L.A.’ with me actually singing. I know me singing! Eak! Wayne G did an amazing job, but I’m not so sure about my voice.
We love how you’ve remained true to your roots and done the odd Two Brewers show during flying visits to London…
I love Jimmy Smith [Two Brewers manager]. He has supported me through thick and thin. I never forget those people in my life. I love The Two Brewers, but without Jimmy, I am not so sure I would go back there. It feels like family and I love it.
Speaking of roots, we love the blue hair… is that your natural colour?
Yes, my pussy is blue. Well, after my Marine has had his way with it, it is.
So, the carpet does match the curtains!
My pussy changes colour like a chameleon lizard.
It’s… very… umm Katy Perry. Does she know you stole her wig?
I stole her look completely and she stole it from Bettie Page and Nicki Minaj stole it from Miss Piggy.
What’s the latest with the airline industry at this time of recession and impending economic doom? Give us the inside gossip about dem BA bitches and Virgin sluts…
BA have implemented a new training program, ‘What would Kate do’ as in Middleton. That’s why you never get served on BA. When you ask for something the crew now stop and think to themselves ‘what would Kate do’? NOTHING! Cos she’s a fucking princess. That’s why you never get served. They all think they are fucking princesses and, of course, some of the boys think they are queens. Virgin Atlantic have just launched a new lipstick called ‘Upper Class Red’, inspired by the colour of their pussies and assholes after a back-to-back. I don’t know why they didn’t go with ‘cock sucking coral’.
Scandalous really. Speaking of scandal, there’s loads of debate about a third runway at Heathrow versus expansion of Gatwick Airport versus a new airport in the Thames Estuary. What’s your informed opinion on the matter?
The more runways and airports the better. Fuck the carbon footprint I mean really when was the last time you saw a Polar Bear? See we don’t need them.
I love your photo shoot for QX this week! Who are those two little sluts you picked up and can we share them with you?
They are my new Pam Ann porn stars, Tate Ryder and Harley Everett, who by the way were both fingering my asshole in this cover photo. Need I say more. Look at my face!
What can you tell us about this stalker of yours that seems to turn up at every destination you are? What’s her name again… Caroline Reid?
That fat bitch needs to lose some weight. Every time she travels I make sure her bags go missing or I blow them up for being unattended
• Pam Ann presents ‘You F’Coffee’ at The Bloomsbury Theatre 17th-29th April (except 23rd) and 1st-5th May at 8pm.
• Booking at 020 7388 8822 and www.thebloomsbury.com/event/run/1596
PAM ANN’S TOP 5 TIPS FOR EASTER GATEWAYS
- Don’t ever approach a BA flight attendant from behind – they are like horses and they will kick you in the cunt with their hoof! Plus, they are super angry that they have to work over Easter so you might get two kicks! Be careful at T5.
- Don’t pack chocolate Easter eggs in with your white Calvins.
- If you see a pilot running up an aisle of a plane screaming “Pray fucking now for Jesus Christ” just ignore it, it’s just another in-flight meltdown.
- Don’t fly Ryan Air – they give you diseases and you have to pay for the pleasure AND queue.
- Fuck the Easter Bunny, stay home on Grindr and fuck strangers all weekend.
PAM ANN’S TOP 5 ALL-TIME CELEBRITY ICONS
Elton John – I flew all of Elton and David’s A–list friends to Venice back in 2002 and he was the most passionate, generous, kind, wonderful person I have ever met.
Joan Rivers – I have met her a couple of times. She had no clue who I was, nor cared to know to be honest, and I love that about her. She remains relevant and one of the hardest, edgiest comedians on the planet. If there was a nuclear war the three things remaining would be Cher, Joan and Lufthansa.
Cher – I toured with her back in 2004. She is what sums up an icon to me. Cher gave me the best experience and opportunity of my entire career. She believed in me… fucking Cher not the tribute act ‘CHER’. It doesn’t get better than that.
Mo’Nique – I performed with her at Milwaukee Pride last year (I know right WTF Milwaukee) and OMG she is the funniest most talented motherfuckers I have ever seen perform. Mo’Nique and the Queens of Comedy inspire me so much, I live for those sort of gusty no holds barred black women.
Dame Edna Everage – Well, if it wasn’t for Dame Edna Everage I would not be doing what I do, she inspired Pam Ann. I heard he is doing a farewell tour. What I would give to support him on that. I grew up watching Dame Edna, Barry Humphries is the true innovator a genius. I met him at a wedding in Melbourne once, he tapped my shoulder, I turned around and he pretended it wasn’t him. He is such a prankster… oh and I fucked his nephew who took me to a Dame Edna show in Melbourne on our first date! (Now there’s some juicy gossip for you!)
