DRAGONY AUNT

Judging from our full-to-bursting email inbox, some of you lovely lot have some proper #GayBoyProblems! Fear not, we’ve asked Dusty O to take a moment from her busy panto schedule to sooth your troubles in her own inimitable style…

 


Dear Dusty

My boyfriend and I have an open relationship with one rule: only one night stands. Thing is, I’ve been sleeping with the same guy several times and already caught gonorrhea off him once… and passed it to my boyfriend. He was quite understanding of the situation – the perils of an open relationship. But it’s happened a second time in the same month. Should I come clean to my man?

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Sticky Situation Sam

 

Dear Sam

I wouldn’t worry about it too much. I have always found the worst kind of STD are babies, and as you’re being done up the wrong ‘un by another man, there is not much chance of that. Plus, sharing is good. If your boyfriend is also slutting about then you can just lie to him and blame one of his bonks.

 


Dear Dusty

My best friend’s boyfriend got a boyfriend of about a year now who is a total loser and well butters. The other day I was going through my phone and found our old photos of us naked together from when my best mate and me fucked one night. Anyway, I was a little bit drunk and texted them to his boyfriend as a joke, who is now sexting me back for a threesome. What to do? 

Dave

 

Dear Dave.

Firstly drop the ‘Kappa Slappa’ speak. This is not Jeremy Kyle; though, I too, am a smug cunt! To be honest, I have not had much experience of threesomes. In fact, it is my life ambition to have one. The nearest I have come so far is having sex with a pregnant woman but I believe that does not count! My advice would be to go for it but remember the old saying, “If sex between three people is called a threesome and sex between two people is called a twosome, then why is handsome still a compliment?”

 


Dear Dusty

My sister’s husband was in town for his staff Christmas party last week and got really wasted. They live in Kent and he missed the last train home so he crashed at mine. Anyway, I woke up in the middle of the night ‘cos I heard noises and I caught my flat mate (who is rather fit and I always fancied) sucking him off in the living room. They didn’t stop, and I just shut the door and went back to my bedroom. My question is: what do I do? I can’t stop thinking about my flat mate sexually.

James

 

Dear James,

Many problems can arise when you find yourself attracted to your flat mate. My own flat mate is a real pain in the arse. He recently told me he was sick of me waking him up when I have a wank. It is not even as if I’m loud or anything like that. I even use headphones if I am watching porn. He told me the next time I cumon his face he will call the cops, though. What a cunt! My advice is just to keep your perving on him secret. What they don’t know won’t hurt ‘em!

 


 

“If sex between three people is called a threesome and sex between two people is called a twosome, then why is handsome still a compliment?”

 


Dear Dusty,

Do you think age gap relationships can work? I’m 48 and have been seeing a guy who’s 21 years old and very wise beyond his years. I look good for my age and he really likes me and wants to be in a relationship. The problem is I think he should be out there experiencing the gay scene and going crazy rather than going to dinner and theatre with me. What do you think? 

Reluctant Daddy

 

Dear Daddy.

I too am in a similar dilemma and it creates many problems. My boyfriend is 21 and I recently took him for a meal. I overheard a couple whispering about us and calling me a “paedo” and a cradle snatcher! I was horrified and it completely ruined our 10-year anniversary meal!

 


Dear Dusty

I’m seriously considering sleeping with guys for money, as I just can’t find a job I’m good at. I’m 20-years-old, good looking and think I could make a packet. Would you recommend it? 

Anon 

 

Dear Anon

I too used to be a rent boy, ‘til the bottom dropped out of the market. Go for it.

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