What Pam Ann doesn’t know about the aviation industry, and all of its trade secrets and foibles, could probably be written on the palm of a newborn future monarch.
But just which airlines does our Pam love the most? And why? Jason Reid caught up with her this week to find out which made her jet set top ten…
10. Virgin America
They have now introduced texting from seat-to-seat. It’s like the Grindr of the airline industry. No wonder they got voted the number one airline in the USA. And the stripper pole in First Class just gives it that edge. I love any airline that promotes random sex.
9. United Airlines
You just have to hand it to an airline whose pilot diverts a cross-country flight to kick a family off his plane after they complained about their young sons watching a violent in-flight movie. We need more Captains like this! Personally, kids and babies should not be allowed to fly, period. Or even born!
8. Lufthansa
The most efficient airline in the world. Your bags arrive at the baggage carousel before the plane has even fucking landed! And I love being told in a strong German accent: ‘You zit to the left, zit to the right, and do your zeatbelt up wiz one click!’
7. KLM
I just love to fly with their big, strong, heavy-set, lesbian cabin crew. There is something about those women that makes me feel safe. They’re such tall girls, too. So tall that they have to bend their necks because the plane is too small for them.
They’re also the only crew in the world that can get away with wearing sky blue polyester trouser-suits. But let me tell you, after flying for five hours, traipsing up and down that galley, the friction of the polyester on the vagina creates a moisture (yes, gays – their vaginas – or if you prefer a more visual description: their hairy axe wound) and those moist minges start talking when they walk up and down – squelch, squelch, squelch. I call them the PUSSY PANTS!
6. Emirates
I love them for their ‘service over safety’ attitude. Emirates have ninety-five different nationalities working for them. They’re all the rejects the real airlines didn’t take on. Australians are like Mexicans in Dubai, so many work for Emirates. You thought they were exotic, right? Well once that veil comes off it’s all, “how ya fucking going!?” Recently a door flung open at 37,000ft because the crew forgot to arm doors and cross check; well what do you expect, they can’t see through their fucking veils, can they… halalalalalalala!
5. LOT
The Polish carrier is very fucking clean. Oh, those Poles just love to clean. Recently they landed with no landing gear on a flight from NYC to Warsaw, because the Americans were so fat the plane couldn’t take the weight. But the Poles loved cleaning up that foam… clean, clean, clean!
4. Avianca
The Columbian airline is the most paranoid airline in the world. The crew are so high that they do a full service and don’t even realize the plane is still on the ground. And fuck me if you have your phone on and they are on a come down, because they’ll just shoot you. There’ll be no, “Can you please turn your mobile phone off?” It will just be BANG, BITCH!
3. British Airways
Awwww the horses of BA dealt with their last burning engine with such British-ness. Nothing beats an emergency landing where the crew greet you at the bottom of the slide with scones and a cup of tea.
2. Ryanair
Where is Al Qaeda when you really need them? PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE tell me where the Al Qaeda suggestion box is… Stansted?
1. Asiana Airlines
They make it to No.1 for taking the roof off on a landing (literally). I mean what an entrance. I’ve just hired the pilots Ho Lee Fuk and Wi Tu Lo.
Pam Ann appears at the Two Brewers (114 Clapham High Street, SW4 7UJ) on Sunday 4th August. Advance tickets recommended: Premium Economy with Speedy Boarding £14, £10 Standard Economy. Call 020 7819 9539 or www.the2brewers.com
