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Pam Ann’s worst airline uniforms in the world…

 


4/ AIR NEW ZEALAND 

The uniform looks like an economy passenger has thrown up all over it. I would rather fuck a Hobbit on crack than wear this. New Zealand is so fucking far away I think they are just catching up to the fashion of the ‘70s now. I would want to bungee jump out of a 747 if I woke up to a bitch serving me coffee at 41,000ft over the Pacific after a 28hour flight wearing this. BURN IT.

 


3/ AMERICAN ARLINES

The uniform isn’t so offensive, but it’s bland and boring and seriously could do with an upgrade and the crew could also do with retiring. They are the oldest cabin crew in the world. Apparently one flight attendant dies on board every flight. Flying AA is like going back in time.

Amelia Earhart was flying the last AA flight I boarded. AA now has brail boarding cards because the crew is so old they can’t see, and they yell because they can’t hear. They need the food cart to get from one end of the aircraft to the other.

From behind, some of them look young but when they turn around they are 135yrs old. They wear lesbian rubber soled flat shoes and some of the girls have to walk sideways down the aisle because they have eaten too many chocolate chip cookies: “one for you, fourteen for me”.

The great thing about the elderly Flight Attendants is that they have flown so long they can shut the overhead lockers with their eyes! They could also do with upgrading their museum pieces, I mean fleet. I boarded a Boeing 757 – yes, a 757! These planes should have been retired in the 80’s.

For those who don’t know what a 757 is, it’s a fucking plane. You can tell it’s an old plane when there is an ashtray in the armrest, and when I see this I light up a cigarette and I don’t even smoke! BURN IT.

 


2/ EASYJET

Any airline that allows flight attendant’s to have a say in the design of a uniform is questionable and cheap to begin with. Not even Kate Moss could get away with wearing orange and grey. Well, maybe she could, but the normal pale skinned Brit CANNOT! Easy Jet say their uniform was designed for style and comfort.

The word ‘comfort’ makes my skin crawl and the word ‘style’ used in a sentence describing anything to do with Easy Jet makes me want to grab my Tom Ford glasses and smash them in my face. There is nothing comfortable or stylish on Easy Jet. Period. Easy Jet crew look like they have just come from Burger King.

The uniforms fabric is so thick and plastic it would catch on fire just through their fat thighs rubbing together, and the cabin crew are so loud they need their voice boxes removed. I was at Primark, I mean Gatwick, once and I tell you I’ve never seen so many ugly people in my life.

When I was waiting in the Bag Drop line (which felt like I was in a queue to get executed by terrorist extremists) a heavy-footed Easy Jet representative shook the terminal with his rubber soled Clarkes shoes. He had a face on him that could stop a train in Madrid. I still have nightmares today.

I would rather be gangbanged on crack by the Taliban and my teeth pulled out with pliers than fly Easy Jet ever again. I say burn the uniform and arrest the cabin crew for disorderly conduct.

 


1/ RYANAIR 

Fuck me the Al-Qaeda wouldn’t even want to blow this airline up. It would be too embarrassing, so that says a lot. Firstly, the air crew can’t talk properly over their teeth, they have absolutely no customer service skills, and the only job they would excel at is in a meat factory in Romania.

You would expect them to sell Romanian Horse Meat burgers on board! The cabin crew wear yellow and blue low quality cardboard uniforms designed by fuck who cares, and have to ‘rent’ their uniforms for €30 a month for the first year. I feel sorry for the Ryan Air cabin crew, I really do.

What’s more, they sell you tickets to Vienna but you land in Bratislava and you have to bike it to Vienna. What it ends up costing you, you could fly First Class Air France to Sydney return.

 

• Pam Ann performs ‘Fly’ at Leicester Square Theatre from 26th March – 26th April. For tickets see www.leicestersquaretheatre.com

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