Let’s talk about gay sex and drugs as Patrick Cash analyses the difficulties of getting back from frequent ‘chemsex’ to sober sex on the gay scene
Photos: Manu Valcarce
I don’t think many people plan to actively stop having sober sex. Having sex on a couple of bumps after a club or party doesn’t seem to be the same as the sensational tales of garish, non-stop ‘crystal meth orgy’ scenarios, whispered about on the gay scene grapevine. But when the weekend whirlwind picks you up every Friday after work, Saturdays too, and eats up a fair amount of Sunday’s hours to boot, suddenly you might turn around six months later, and find you’ve only been having sex on chems.
Of course, the way I’ve written this intro, and the general way assumptions about drugs are made, dictates that this is automatically a bad thing. Is it? If someone enjoys having sex on chems, and their sexual partner(s) does too, then why shouldn’t they be free to be joined together in holy chemsex? I suppose the argument is that guys can get too used to having chems as a crutch, or a tool, for sex. And over time, they might begin to rely on drugs for sex.
Chems like mephedrone, G and – the big, white, smokey super-villain of the trinity – crystal meth are popular for sex because they disinhibit their users, allowing the sexual act to become more raw, animalistic, carnal, faster, harder. Sex can go on for hours, it may feel more intense, there may be a greater feeling of connection to your partner even if they are a stranger.
But the thrills fade pretty fast after orgasm. At a sexualised chillout the big no-no is climax. Possibly because the previously porn-like fantasy purveyed by ribald chems mixed with exaggerated libido can be revealed as a more insipid reality. Men gurning and tugging on consistently limp penises in front of relentless high-definition porn, and guys more glued to Grindr than the people actually with them in the room. It may all feel a bit sad.
And what happens when ‘he’ comes along? You know, the mythic ‘one’ everyone harbours some vague, ill-defined dream about, and will suddenly pounce out of nowhere when you’ve given up the search. Presumably, having to phone up the dealer to have sex doesn’t constitute a healthy factor in most people’s ideals of a loving, supportive relationship. You’ll want to enjoy the more intimate, and more emotionally intense, aspects of sober sex with a partner. But going from a near constant chain of weekend chemsex experience to re-sober sex might not be as easy as waving your willy and saying ‘abracadabra, no more mephedrone.’
There might be a strong associative complex subconsciously built up over time between your innate sexual urge and being high. You may now feel more inhibited when sober, or it will be initially hard to achieve being hard. And part of this chemical disinhibtion that drugs sexually induce is also the masking of personal insecurity; anxieties about your off-drug performance, about cumming too quickly, about whether your partner is really enjoying it, can gather in your mind like circling rainclouds.
But own these insecurities, and admit these anxieties, for they are making you a better lover. The chemsex urge is one of great individuality; you act primarily to satiate your own pleasure. When you are in a non-chemsex situation, with someone you genuinely like emotionally as well as physically or chemically, and you are questioning how you can best give them pleasure, that’s how the best sex begins. It’s about an empathy and attentiveness between two people. As this shared intimacy progresses, confidence and real enjoyment of sober sex – and mind-blowing orgasms – will return.
I’ve been careful to try and write this article using ‘may’ and ‘might’ as frequently as possible. Yes, on one level it is a collation of hypotheses. But I’ve spoken to enough people recently and heard enough anecdotal evidence to believe that a lot of its content may hold true for some gay guys. If you don’t agree with anything written here, or you want to speak about how you perceive chemsex in London, or listen to the opinions of others, then we hold an open communication forum every month at Manbar in Soho, named ‘Let’s Talk About Gay Sex & Drugs’. Do come along and speak, because your opinion is equally as important as mine.
- www.facebook.com/LetsTalkAboutGaySexAndDrugs
- The next Let’s Talk About Gay Sex And Drugs will be on Monday 15th September at Manbar, 79 Charing Cross Road, WC2H 0NE from 6-8pm. Free entry. www.facebook.com/events/696125470458458/
- 56 Dean Street will be on site offering free STI testing and advice upstairs.
