15 Life Lessons That Every Gay Man Needs To Hear… Even Though He Probably Doesn’t Want To

It’s a tough life out there as a gay man, so lets cut the crap and give you a few life lessons that may help you along the way – if you didn’t know them already…

By Anthony Gilét

 


 1. With great beauty comes great responsibility…

…And if you can’t handle that, then you just end up a hoe.  Which brings me on to the next point…

2. The pretty boys are usually, (if not always) slags
Sorry to break the news like this sweetie.  We know you were hoping for Prince Charming to come and sweep you off your Adidas hi tops, but the chances are he’s probably at a sex party with the seven dwarfs.

3. Size does matter
Of course not to the extent that a bucket size- queen gags for.  Maybe not at all to you… But size queens are everywhere.  And if it’s not the dick, it’s the muscles, the wallet, or the discount at whatever retailer he works for.

4. Pride gets old
When you first come out, Pride is better than Christmas and your birthday put together.  But give it four years and it’s just another day to get wasted.  And believe me, you don’t need a parade to do that.

5. Anal sex is messy
You probably already knew this one, but just to confirm – shitty dicks are daily life.  Deal with it.

6. We’re bitches
And you know that too.  So when a queen gives side-eye for those naff trainers you’re wearing, remember the time you bitch-slapped the barman for making your cocktail too weak.

7. We generally have addictive personalities
So it’s up to you if you wanna shove drugs up your nose or cock down your throat.  As an alternative, instead of throwing shit into your body, why not throw yourself into work. *Cackles* Sure, we’ll get right on that…

8. Fashion faux pas
Common place. Gold hot pants look great on Kylie, gruesome on you though.

9. You can find love anywhere…
… Except for the places you’re generally looking. The man of your dreams doesn’t slink around the sauna with his semi poking out the bottom of his towel-turned-mini-skirt. Nor does he message you on Grindr asking ‘top or bot?’ and he certainly doesn’t await your leering stare in the gym changing rooms.

10. Pick a side: East or South
… Because you can’t have both. Everybody knows that gays can’t survive getting wet, so choose your side of the river wisely!

11. If he don’t reply, he ain’t interested
No excuses; he wasn’t at a work thing, his gran isn’t in hospital and he didn’t lose his phone… Unless you know he’s a hot ass mess.

12. More politics than parliament
From the unspoken ‘hierarchy’ on the scene, to hiding people on your Facebook NewsFeed, to faking smiles at those pedestrians you can’t bear. Master it, babe.

13. Break ups are hard
They’re hard for anyone, but especially the gays. Chances are you’ll have to see him out every weekend (if you can leave bed), while he looks finer than ever and you look like roadkill.  Then he’ll start dating one of your friends and get an amazing new job. *Prays for karma*.

14. Gum clinics make the world a better place
Sure, it may not seem like that when Sheila is prodding your japseye with a cotton bud, and telling you to spread your cheeks and cough. But, the amount of help they provide to preventing/reducing the spread of STIs is untold.

15. Grow a pair of balls
You may love putting on a dress (who doesn’t after a few shots?), but you won’t get anywhere if you listen to the shit that prissy scene queens say about you. Or worse yet – let them define who you are.

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