This week, David Stuart talks about the language we use and the dirty word of shame.
All very dirty words, my Mum would tell me. 
Unless you’re gay of course. We’ve reclaimed these words, as disenfranchised people have done heroically for decades. The ‘n’ word lost (some of its’) power as Gangsta-rappers reclaimed it through artistic expression, Madonna disempowered the accusation of “whore” by owning her sexuality through artistic expression.
We, modern gays, are true champions of it. The word “addict” appears on underwear racks galore around Soho, “Slammed” is among TIM’s most watched porn movies, ChemPigs.com and BareBackRT, attract hundreds of players each weekend, and “Bitch”; well hey, that’s just what you call your best ‘girl’friend.
Yes, we’ve reclaimed our sexuality. And then some. The sex that was about shit-on-dicks, about shirt-lifting, about sin, disease and death is now owned, shameless and proudly displayed all over Soho, with dildos and porn on sale in window displays all along Old Compton Street.
Yay. Sorted. Victory to the gays.
Seriously, our prolific successes at de-shaming some of our healthy gay lifestyles and activities will go down in sociological history, as truly amazing cultural achievements. We’ve endured and (barely) survived imprisonments, AIDS epidemics, estrangement from families and hellish school playground experiences. And here we are, out, proud, shamelessly sexualised and owning it, bitch.
And what’s more, we’re defensive as fuck about it. Brandishing a robust sense of entitlement to all we’ve fought for.
So what’s the new dirty word in town?
“Shame”.
The suggestion that London’s ChemSex problem might be associated with a feeling of shame around sex is something that triggers a very angry response from some.
Try and tell a proud gay man, who’s fought for a different kind of sex, marched defiantly for gay sexual liberation for decades, that there is a lingering shame about his ’sex’, and you’ll get shot down in trolling balls of flame. And perhaps that’s as it should be; that’s a long time to fight for something so righteously and passionately.
I truly feel a sense of bursting pride, at how we have shattered stigmas, de-shamed homophobic stereotypes, and owned our sexuality. It’s a phenomenal achievement. I just wonder where we put the breaks on. When an 18 year old on a second date is frightened to reject someone who insists on an open relationship, for fear of being an “un-cool gay”, I worry a bit.
When I interview potential volunteers who tell me they use chems, but safely and it’s not a problem, I worry a bit; I mean, dude, it’s a job interview. Drugs are against the law. (Usually followed by an embarrassed, whispered, “Oh yeah”.) A sense of entitlement for the freedoms we fought for is great, but we may need to reign that sense of entitlement in a bit on occasion.
The suggestion that London’s ChemSex problem might be associated with a feeling of shame around sex is something that triggers a very angry response from some. I’d argue (not too loudly) that shame can play a part; having spent our childhoods absorbing cultural messages that the sex we crave, secretly under the duvet, is filthy, wrong and, yeah, shameful, can manifest itself as a thing that inhibits our ability to feel liberated, horny and abandoned when in bed with a lover. It can manifest itself as a craving for the disinhibition chems provide.
I love the liberties we fought for, and exercise them frequently. Let’s enjoy them, and keep up that fight. But in our defensiveness, let’s not lose the counterbalance; that intimacy is awesome, monogamy can still be a very cool choice (and not just a heteronormative concession). And let’s not deny that shame permeates our lives, despite our militant defenses and achievements; and let that knowledge heal the woes our community still endures.
• David Stuart is lead substance use advisor at Soho sexual health clinic 56 Dean Street, W1D 6AE.
• www.davidstuart.org
This is a conversation well worth having – minority stress is a factor that is both well researched and accepted in many fields ( health, social services, sociology, etc. ) – one of the most common by-products of minority stress can be as sense of shame. Shame is an interesting intersection between feelings, thoughts, beliefs and past experiences transported into the present.
It is absolutely believable to concur that some of the use of chems as a mood altering process, could come from a sense of shame and unconscious homo/bi/queer/ trans phobia, which is a common manifestation of minority stress for gender and sexual minorities.
Just as it is absolutely believable to concur that some of the use of chems as a mood altering process have nothing to do with a sense of shame and may have to do with other triggers, up to and including, wanting to have a good time and / or try something new.
As a budding sexologist, one of the first things you are taught, when holding the energetic space for conversations that matter ( and this is one of those conversations ..) is to remind people, that we are exploring options. Potential reasons, processes and outcomes. Not everything is going to work or relate to everyone, all the time.
Bravo for opening up the space for these conversations. Yes, they can be awkward at times. Yes, they can be triggering. Yes, some of us thru them may come face-to-face with ideas, myths, beliefs and or realities in our lives or the lives of those we know and love, that we didn’t really see before. Yes, we may realise, thru those conversations, that we are fine…yet, maybe our loved one isn’t.
Yes, we need to have these conversations.
Our community is damn well worth it!
We are damn well worth it!!