I quit Grindr earlier this year, so a few weeks back I decided to go to a bar on my own to see if I could hook up in ‘real life.’ All good so far. Nothing wrong with that. It was my choice to be there. I’m a single gay man living in London after all. Great.
Except, while I was there, I started to feel this nagging anxiety in my chest; the same feeling I used to get on Grindr. It seemed to increase as I circled the venue like a vulture looking hungrily for my prey. I soon noticed other men were doing the exact same thing in a circuit round the bar, circling each other; sometimes overtaking and sometimes slowing down depending on what caught our eye. You might recognize this ritual dance. I began to wonder if others felt it, too. By their body language and a far off look in their eyes, I sensed I wasn’t the only one. After an hour, I got bored. And dizzy. And I went home. I realized I wasn’t actually looking for sex or a hook. Not in that way.
On the way out, I remembered I was going home to an empty house. Friends were on voicemail. I walked through Soho and saw people pissed or with their boyfriends or having fun. Then it hit me. I was feeling lonely. That’s what the anxiety was. There’s no shame in wanting to meet someone, but the truth was, that in that moment, I wanted to meet a stranger because I was feeling lonely and bored. I just wanted something to fill the void. Again, there’s nothing terrible about that either. But I began to question my motivation for being there. I hadn’t told my friends; it was my little secret. And rather than admit that to even myself, I wanted to keep my adventure out of sight and out of mind. And that made me feel even worse. A bit like when you’re still in the closet. Sound familiar? I was feeling gay shame.
I spent years on the scene struggling to live up to the gay ideal that we’re supposed to live, these amazing lives of sex and parties and fabulousness. That’s just not been my experience. I battled with the feeling of ‘not being enough’ both mentally and bodily, having to work on myself through various processes to overcome my gay shame.
“I think some of us might even feel ashamed to admit that we ever get lonely.”
If you’ve not already read Alan Downs’ The Velvet Rage, it describes exactly what gay shame is and what it does to us growing up gay in straight society. Similarly Cruise Control by Robert Weiss is a fascinating look into what drives sexual compulsion amongst gay men. And soon to be published is Attitude editor Matthew Todd’s long awaited book Straight Jacket, inspired from his magazine’s “Issues Issue” (July 2010). His book examines gay shame further.
At A Change Of Scene, the monthly discussion group I run, the themes of loneliness and shame often arise. The group was born out of the Issues Issue and the growing movement of brilliant events addressing our sexual and mental health concerns such as Let’s Talk About Gay Sex & Drugs and 56 Dean Street’s Wellbeing programme.
Each month we discuss a different topic, sharing our stories and experience around it. For some, it’s a sounding board to say what frustrates them about gay culture, and for others, it’s a chance to connect authentically with other gay men without drugs or alcohol. So far, we’ve discussed topics such as “Grindr”, “Chem-Sex”, “Porn”, “Body Image”, “Barebacking” and “Relationships”.
This month, we look specifically at “Overcoming Loneliness” and the many ways we seek to fill the emptiness that we sometimes feel inside. I think some of us might even feel ashamed to admit that we ever get lonely. Loneliness seems to go against everything that we are supposed to feel. We’re always happy aren’t we? We have the best of everything, right? Our lives are perfect, no? We’re so proud. The truth is many of us feel that emptiness from time to time, especially living in a city like London. It can be quite uncomfortable to admit. So of course, it’s tempting to fill it with booze and sex and drugs. But does it always work? Does it actually make you feel any less lonely? Did you get the real connection you were seeking? I didn’t. But only you can answer that question for yourself.
• A Change of Scene: OVERCOMING LONELINESS
• Tuesday 14th April 2015, and every second Tuesday of the month 18:30-20:00 56 Dean Street W1D 6AQ
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