Unless you live on Uranus, you’d have probably noticed there’s a General Election just around the corner. And the leaders of all the major political parties have been setting out their manifestos, which strangely set off our narcolepsy. So, we thought we’d jazz the whole grey affair up a bit. Everyone knows drag queens run the world, anyway, so this week YOUR queens present their manifesto pledges…
Rose Garden
As a member of the Eyeshadow Cabinet, I propose a tax on everyone who comes to a show and insists on standing right at the front and talking utter bollocks really loudly. That’s the drag queens job! From the huge revenue raised, we can employ make-up artists to go into every school and give compulsory classes on blending. You only have to look at Bette Rinse and myself to see how this would have helped us.
Holestar
Drag princesses would undergo an intensive training course before they become a Queen. This would involve queer herstory beyond Drag Race, how to blend their make-up, have talent, and learn to have a sense of humour about the whole thing. Anyone found screeching Drag Race clichés will fail immediately and have their wigs burned. Oh, and there will also to be a national ban on txt speak. Especially ‘LOL’.
Nancy Clench
As the Parliamentary Candidate for Plumpsbury North, I’ve already been out and about with my manifesto: #HungryForChange, because I believe I was born to feed. I know that an increase in good local bakers, mainly Greggs, will support our economy and get growth back on the agenda.
Son Of a Tutu
My drag manifesto would be to place a ban on boy-bands! There are far too many around and One Direction have taken all of LaVoix’s bookings. In addition, I’d place a ‘bitch slap a day’ levy on all those who’ve been struck down by Katie Hopkins mania, until they’re back on the road to common sense recovery.
Charlie Hides
I would make entry to cabaret venues free on the NHS. If you were feeling sad, lonely or depressed your GP could write a prescription to see me at the RVT. The prescription would also include an open bar, and in order to pay for this, we’d just impose a £100 fine for every inch that a man lies about the size of his dick on Grindr. We’d all be drinking free FOREVER!
Sink the Pink
We would make Dinah Lux The Queen! Yes, the actual Queen. Move over Liz and make space at the palace because our Dinah has got brains and beauty for days! EVERYONE must watch her Ted talk on YouTube: ‘Painted Face of a Queer Culture’ in which she talks about how Sink the Pink take over heteronormative spaces (working men’s clubs/strip clubs) and ‘queer them up’. And we’d make it law for all high fashion shoe designers to make heels up to a size 12.
“Everything that’s made of apolyester would become tax-free.”
The LipSinkers
All new bills will be brought before the house by playing someone else’s record and mouthing the words. And we’d bring back milk!
Baga Chipz
In a country run by me, head of The EBP (Elegant Bastard Party), gin and tonic would be running from every household tap in the UK! Football, golf, cricket and snooker will be banished and replaced by Corrie, EastEnders and Loose Women. You must eat battered sausages on a Sunday, and the only singers allowed on the radio would be Jane McDonald, Cilla Black, Su Pollard, Liza Minnelli and Black Lace. Vote EBP! Vote Elegance! Vote Baga!
Sheila Simmonds
Everything that’s made of polyester would become tax-free and instead of the yearly fuel allowance for pensioners, every drag queen that wears heels over 1cm would be given a monthly allowance for pedicures and lower leg massages.
