Politicians love words. They particularly enjoy saying words together i n a row (or a “sentence”) which regularly results in a “statement” which means “nothing”. So because we’re the kind, benevolent (big word) types, we’ve looked deep into the mystical world of politicians’ vocabulary and produced this very useful General Election Glossary.
Hung-parliament
What the punks used to call anarchy. Nobody wins the election, there is no government, everyone in the country is happy and celebrates by projecting a giant image of Colby Keller on to Big Ben.
By-election
An special election that only bisexuals can vote in. They’re not allowed to vote in the General Election because nobody believes they exist.
Cross-party whip
A kinky initiation ceremony for all party-leaders, administered in the House of Lord’s dungeon. On a windy day the scent of poppers can drift all the way down to Putney.
Devolution
Sounds bad but is actually good. Like felching.
Coalition
A group of people you work with but would never drink with. “Sorry guys, I can’t tonight, I’ve got loads of felching to catch up on at home.”
The Taxpayer
Victims of extortion from a mafia-like group of powerful individuals.
Hardworking families
Everyone except the weak, vulnerable, disabled, elderly, child-free, single, and retired. And us.
• Got opinions about things? We want to hear them, tweet: @bourgmaurice and @QXmagazine and use the hashtags: #politiclol and #QXGayLondon
• The People’s Republic of Bourgeois of Maurice is at Brighton Spiegeltent on 9th May. www.brightonspiegeltent.com
• Middle of the Road with David Hoyle is at Soho Theatre 3rd-13th June. www.sohotheatre.com
