For me, my gay shame was not standing up for myself against homophobia earlier on in my career, which eventually made me unwell. At the turn of the century, I joined the police having dreamt of it since I was five. I thought it was all about justice and protecting peoples’ freedoms, but my naivety had got the better of me. It was because of homophobia that I was forced out.
My sexuality being something I believed I could keep private, and not allow into my professional life.
I kept my mouth shut when my colleagues spoke about the ‘queers’ and ‘poofters’ they had to deal with, and one day I found myself so fed up that I told my Inspector I was gay and that I’d had enough of the comments on a daily basis, mainly from supervisors. So, you can imagine my face when his response to me was, “As a Christian, I can’t condone what you do as long as you’re a good officer”. Just writing this now, I’m disappointed in myself that I allowed him to get away with it.
Being raised a Catholic in Liverpool, I know religion has nothing to do with bigotry. It’s just an easy get-out clause for those who want to offend, and then hide behind their God as a way of justifying their inhumane views. I was born the eleventh and last mixed-race child to a white mum and black dad. I know, through my own devout Catholic mother’s acceptance of me when I told her I was gay, that using religion as an excuse is a cop-out. I cannot think of one negative thing she has ever done or said to me after I came out, which gives me hope for other LGBT people.
Eight years in to my policing career, I became unwell at work. I was scared, as I’d never been sick or taken a day off since I began all those years ago. This despite being assaulted on duty many times. When I sat at the hospital, I knew something was wrong. And, it was. After several tests and chatting with many doctors and nurses, I was diagnosed with severe reactive depression. My body had given up, and was now starting to react to the homophobia in the workplace. The excruciating stomach pains and headaches I had were its alarm bells, telling me ‘enough is enough’.
“I joined the police having dreamt of it since I was five… It was because of homophobia that I was forced out.”
It all made sense, as just before this I was at a presentation when a supervisor decided to tell a gay joke in front of my colleagues who then burst into laughter. Then followed, a colleague talking disparagingly in a packed room about taking it up the arse. This time, I wasn’t laughing. For years, I acquiesced and shamefully even laughed at the jokes about being gay because it was the only way to cope. But, this eventually destroys us, and our identity.
Over the past five years, I have found myself fighting for equal rights within the police service. Many still believe that it is only racism that is prevalent, but we haven’t even begun to scratch the surface with homophobia. I know of numerous former colleagues who are gay and wouldn’t dream of coming out, because they believe it would undermine their careers and integrity. What sort of life is that, to not be yourself for fear of being rejected? But, I completely understand why.
After I was diagnosed, my employer leaked my private files to a tabloid newspaper for money to out me publicly and in a humiliating way with the intention of stopping me from challenging them. I called their bluff though, and outed myself in a gay magazine and talked about my depression. I took back the power. To this day have never looked back and I’m now standing up for myself.
When I first joined the cadet forces at the age of ten prior I worked my way up the ranks to the most senior cadet in my division, if I’d known what was to become I wouldn’t have joined the establishment at all. Although not wasted, these are years of my life I cannot get back. We all have a right to live in peace.
It was only a few days ago that I completed my first feature film script: an LGBT story of how external factors cause problems between a gay couple, which lead to their relationship’s demise. For many of us, we underestimate just how much homophobia at work can affect us in so many ways. I was so unhappy that I comfort ate and I didn’t realise I had become overweight until it was too late. Something else I’m ashamed of.
• Kevin Maxwell is a writer, advocate and former detective of both the Greater Manchester Police and London’s Metropolitan Police Service. He was born in Liverpool, spent a decade in Manchester and now lives in London. His debut memoir, Broken, about discrimination and depression in the police force is out soon. He tweets @kevin_maxwell
