Gay Dates For Straight Mates.

Dylan Jones’ guide to the best venues for your hetero pals! 

 


So. These days, our straight pals are LOVING gay clubs aren’t they. Straight girls love them for the camp pop, cocktails and makeup tips from drag queens. And straight guys love them for the cheap drinks, chilled atmosphere and the unexpected ego boost. Straight guys aren’t used to being told how hot they are!

Most girls just don’t give them the satisfaction! Gay men however, think nothing of telling someone they’d look good on all fours on a bare mattress with an apple in their mouth. And our straight comrades pretend to be scandalised by that, but really they love it.

They go home and tell their flatmates during a game of FIFA, and they all whoop in shock and go “aw MATE!”, but really they wish someone had said it to them.

Mostly, straight people like gay clubs because they can RELAX. There isn’t that heteronormative testosterone-fuelled stench that wafts through straight clubs like overzealously applied Lynx Africa. The boys don’t have to worry about being “started on” in the smoking area.

Can you imagine gays starting on someone? Lol. The only thing we’ve ever started was a pop music revolution, and her name was Madonna. And the girls don’t have to worry about people pinching their arses. Well, unless Lady Lloyd’s around. She’s pinches everyone’s arse. Regardless of sexuality, gender, race, religion, age or species.

As the Christmas party period approaches, we’ve decided to compile a list of the best gay venues in the city to take your straight pals to over the festive period. Because some are more suitable than others.

Like, don’t get us wrong, we love The Hoist, but it’d be throwing Karen from HR in at the deep end a little bit. Mind you, who knows, she might love it. It’s always the quiet ones.

 


Freedom

60 – 66 Wardour Street, W1F 0TA

A swanky West End cocktail bar that plays host to a totes mixed crowd. It’s a place for everyone! Universal appeal. From ballet dancers to bakers. Paramedics to politicians. Garrison Majors to go-go dancers. Ok we’ll stop now. The interior is low-lit and sexy, the music is remixes of chart hits. It’s a bit pricey, but you know what, we live in London don’t we, and everything’s pricey. So you might as well enjoy yourself. You can economise later. How? Don’t ask us. Give up smoking. Or sleep with your landlord instead of paying rent.

 


Friendly Society

79 Wardour Street, W1D 6QB

Good old Friendly Society in Soho, down that gorgeous little alley off Wardour Street, is the perfect ambient little urban bar for a gossip with your girlfriends from work. The tacktastic decorations, Alice In Wonderland vibes and glint-eyed barmen provide the perfect backdrop for Christina from the fashion department to moan about how no-one liked her Christmas mood board, or to clink bottles of Babycham and giggle about who you fancy on The Apprentice. Yay! *adjusts fringe in toilet mirror*

 


King William IV

77 Hampstead High Street

This is a lovely sleepy little gay pub on Hampstead High Street. Very classy. They do nice big plates of steamy pub food, and all their meats are the sort of thing you could shoot on a country estate. Venison. Pheasant. Tara Palmer-Tomkinson. On Sundays they just serve her head on a plate with turnips and gravy. JOKE. Anyway it’s lovely in there, there’s hanging baskets, there’s plush leather-upholstered armchairs, there’s a roaring fire. If ever there were a gay venue to take your mum to, this is the one! It’s great for celeb-spotting too. Hampstead is possibly the starriest neighbourhood in the country. We once saw Helena Bonham Carter in there sipping a campari & crème and flicking through QX. True story.

 


Ku Bar

30 Lisle Street, WC2H 7BA

Located in the centre of Soho, the glitzy, fun homo haunt is a great introduction to the scene. It’s all about friendly, happy vibes, with a non-judgy atmosphere, and stripy wallpaper. Love a bit of stripy wallpaper! Also the barmen will make your straight girl mates want to faint, and make your straight guy mates want to go to the gym more often.

 


Dalston Superstore

117 Kingsland High Street, E8 2PB

Now this one’s for your COOL straight mates! The ones who wear band t-shirts and study Graphic Design at Saint Martins, and listen to The Strokes and Kate Bush. They’ll love it! Dalston Superstore (D-Swizzle, as we like to call it), has just the right amalgamation of queer dance sensibility and fun raucous campery. They’ll like the fashionable crowd and slick, consistently brilliant music and DJ sets. It’s also on Kingsland High Street, a stone’s throw away from their likely usual straight stomping grounds like Alibi and The Nest. Anyway, they’ll totes love it. We took our friend Hot Straight Sam, and he said “Dalston Superstore, yeah, BANGIN!” A sparkling endorsement indeed!

 


Royal Vauxhall Tavern

372 Kennington Lane, SE11 5HY

This is a big ‘un! The inimitable, indestructible, infamous RVT! It’s possibly the UK’s most iconic gay venue. Those red pillars have graced the pages of magazines and newspapers, from The Sunday Times and Vogue to…erm…our club and bars section! Yay! Your straight pals may recognise its dusky interior from such films as Pride and the upcoming Ab Fab movie (which we’re never going to hear the end of until it’s released). They recently won a landmark victory in the ongoing battle to save our gay venues, when it defied destruction and achieved listed status in a campaign supported by Boris Johnson and Ian McKellen. Perhaps the most insanely impressive aspect of its heritage was when Princess Diana went as a drag king in the late eighties, with Freddie Mercury on her arm. Amazing. Take your straight mates along and give them a bit of LGBT history! Oh and it’s great for a dance and a drink too.

 


• So that’s that! Drop Christina from the fashion department a message on LinkedIn, tear Hot Straight Sam away from Tinder, and let’s go!

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