How To Pull A DJ

Dylan Jones’ guide to getting it in with the city’s most dashing disc jockeys.

 


DJs have a lot of clout and status on the gay scene. They’re at all the best parties, know all the best people, and most importantly, they get DRINKS TICKETS. But we can’t all be DJs (although it seems most of us have tried). So next best thing? PULL ONE. Dylan Jones knows all the ins and outs, so to speak. He’s pulled at least ten DJs in the last four months.

 

Say their beats are totes sick

Even if they’re playing early 90’s trip-hop slash garage, badly mixed with an FKA Twigs bootleg b-side.

So take note because he knows. And besides, if Rita Ora can do it, it can’t be that hard.

 

Wear tight jeans

Or even better, tight short shorts. But only if you’ve got good legs and a good bum. This can also apply to pulling city workers, bar staff, flyer distributers, minor MPs, cleaners, builders, landlords, JustEat delivery men, soap actors, promoters, or kebab shop employees. Depends on how tight the jeans are really. And how good your bum is.

 

Know a BIT about music

To be honest, this isn’t essential really. And I use the term “music” loosely. It doesn’t matter what music you’re into actually, you just need to know the right terminology and have the ability to bullshit. As long as you know phrases like “spin”, “BPM”, “garage revival” and “crossfade”, and say them in various combinations, you’ll be fine.

 

Sit on Grindr in a coffee shop on Kingsland Road

It will probs happen after an hour or so

 

Don’t be too eager

DJs like people who are laid back and just, like, chill. So don’t try too hard to talk to them. If it’s summer, wear sunglasses and demurely sip a drink from behind them. And don’t dance too hard to their music either. Just sort of gyrate a bit. Dance like Victoria Beckham dances. Not how Buffy dances.

 

Go to Field Day Festival

DJs have ALWAYS been to Field Day, and it’ll come up in conversation at some point. How they came up on a pill during Savages, or borrowed a Rizla from Ten Walls. Buy yourself a ticket, and go, and then you can talk about it too. ALSO, actually being AT Field Day is a good way to pull a DJ, because, as before stated, they all go to Field Day. It’s a win win.

 

Be friends with a celebrity

This helps. Although it depends on the celebrity. In fact, the calibre of the celebrity is in direct correlation with the DJ you pull. If you’re mates with Brian Dowling, you’ll pull a DJ with gelled spiky hair, who wears a v-neck t-shirt, neon beads, and plays things like Heaven by DJ Sammy. Or Paris To Berlin by Infernal. If you’re friends with, say, Suki Waterhouse, or Chloe Sevigny, you’ll pull a DJ who wears vintage Brick Lane finds paired with Vivienne Westwood couture and plays cutting-edge electro acid SENSATIONAL pop.

 

Wear weird jewellery

Always a good talking point. I wore a homemade second-hand Aztec/Navaho culturally appropriated bejewelled tortoise necklace to Dalston Superstore once. It went down a storm. DJs usually wear weird jewellery too, so you can compare notes. “Oh, you got yours from Camden Market? My friend Pryanka gave me mine. She makes and sells topaz pendants to support her unpaid internship at Dazed & Confused. This one means ‘transcendentalism’.”

 

Work at QX

*takes selfie*

 

Smoke cigarettes

Smoking areas are the best place to get chatting to DJs. All DJs smoke. And when they pop out for a fag between mixes, it’s a great opportunity to catch them when there isn’t a basic bitch called Tabitha in their face, thinking she’s edgy because she’s requesting Jessie Ware. You can have a chat, have a smoke, and then coyly ask when their set finishes.

 

Say YOU want to be a DJ

This can then lead to saying you need DJing lessons! They might invite you over to theirs for a joint and a crash course in the basics. The next thing you know, you’re at their warehouse conversion bent over a Pioneer PLX-1000. That’s a type of deck, by the way. And if you’d done your research, you’d know that. And you might have pulled a DJ by now.

 

Be a celebrity

This helps more. Again, it depends on how much of a celebrity you are. If you’re Olly Alexander, and you’re reading this right now, you’ll be fine! You don’t need to read this! Go forth babes. However. If you were an extra on Season 3 of Tracey Beaker, then LISTEN CLOSELY: Capitalise on your fame, no matter how miniscule! This is the self-promotion generation. If you work in a restaurant and once had a bit part in Hollyoaks, don’t tell people you’re a waiter, tell them you’re an actor. And you might pull a DJ as a result. They like famous people.

 

• So that’s that! My work here is done. Go out and bag yourselves a DJ. And don’t blame me if you can’t, it’s because you’re doing it wrong. 

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