Nadine Coyle Career Retrospective

By Dylan Jones


 

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So, as you’ll know if you’re an avid reader of QX Magazine (and you are aren’t you! Just say yes) we did a career retrospective of Sarah Harding a few months ago. It didn’t take very long, as you can imagine.

Now we’ve decided to make it a thing! We’re going to do a career retrospective for every member of Girls Aloud, because we’re journalists, and we cover the issues that matter! Well actually to be honest, we’re probably only going to bother with Sarah, Nadine and Nicola. Because let’s face it, Cheryl’s a twat and no-one cares about Kimberly. Soz hun!

And with that, here it is – The Nadine (Nuhdeen) Coyle Career Retrospective!

1985
Nadine Coyle is born in Derry, Northern Ireland, to two parents, Lillian (Lullayun) and Niall (Nayuhl). Whilst potty training, she reportedly refuses to wear any nappies other than pink sparkly ones. The first hints of stardom emerge.

May 2001
Nadine completes her GCSEs. She is uninterested in her education, but receives good grades regardless.

August 2001
Having barely put down her pencil from doing her Biology multiple choice, which of course she aced (you can’t mistake my biology), Nadine auditions for the Irish version of Brit reality show Popstars. She gets through, obvs, and Louis Walsh places her in girlband Six.

September 2001
DISASTER! Nadine is kicked out of the group for lying about her age, saying she was 18 when in fact she was only 16. We’ve all been there babe.

Mid 2002
Nadine enters Popstarz: The Rivals, with a winning rendition of Fields of Gold. Geri Halliwell says “I’d love to buy a single of yours!”Nadine goes on to join Britpop supergroup, Girls Aloud!

2004
Girls Aloud are in full swing! They’re making millions! They’re getting number ones! People are saying Nadine is too skinny – the first sign of success!

2006
As part of their TV show, Girls Aloud: Off The Record, the girls go to Australia and Nadine calls a koala “fucking disgusting” to its face. She then goes on a date with Jesse Metcalfe.


2006
The girls take part in ITV paranormal activity show “Ghosthunting With…” but Nadine pulls out at the last minute, saying she is “too scared”.

2007
Nadine pulls out of scheduled Girls Aloud reality show Passions, saying: “I wanted to do something with a charity in Bolivia that got kids off the street, but they wouldn’t let me. I’m not that into reality shows anyway.”

2008
Nadine marries superstar NFL player Jason Bell and moves to LA. Wins at life.

2010
Nadine strikes out on her own, releasing debut solo venture Insatiable! It is released exclusively in Tesco. This is a mistake. It is a critical and commercial flop. The Metro accuses Nadine of “lacking warmth and empathy”. Nadine responds, saying “I don’t care what they think.”

October 2015
Nadine and her family almost die of carbon monoxide poisoning. She goes on Good Morning Britain and tells them that for a while she couldn’t remember the world for “table.” She tells the nation to all buy carbon monoxide detectors. “They save lives.”

December 2015
Nadine turns on the Christmas lights in Liverpool. New lows are reached.

2016
Nadine tweets the following on January 12th: “Goals for 2016: take more selfies.” Credibility is restored.

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