We love a ‘journey’ type story here at QX Towers. You know, like that Susan Boyle who went from cat-lady to global superstar in a matter of minutes. This week, cabaret star extraordinaire and Dorset tart with a heart Stephanie Von Clitz tells Jason Reid her story. Grab a brew, and settle in…
“Life hasn’t always been glam and glitz you know. Far from it, my loves. I grew up on my parents pig farm, just outside the quaint little hamlet of Scratchy Bottom. Mum and dad were eccentric to say the least. But also very conservative and unworldly. I mean, mum always thought dogging was a board game.
My job was to muck out the pens and sort the admin. Visitors were far and few between, although we did occasionally have an influx of Etonians. No questions were asked. Times were hard, and we needed the cash. I wasn’t an unhappy child but I was very shy and always longed for more; don’t we all? My parents wanted me to be a vet.
But I just couldn’t come to terms with spending the rest of my life elbow deep in cows. Every night I would sit in my box room listening to ABBA and Buck’s Fizz cassettes on my Argos Walkman whilst flicking through copies of Smash Hits, like a west country Muriel Heslop. I’d fawn over Ben from A1 as the music travelled around my body like a magical potion of joy. And just like Muriel, I wanted the fantasy lifestyle and trophy husband.
Every summer I would go to the local fete, watch the performers, and hook a plastic duck to pass the time. This one year I decided to enter the carnival queen competition. Of course I never expected to win, I just wanted to be on the stage. But I did win. And just like that I was addicted. Being up there in front of everyone and seeing them happy and smiling was so exhilarating. A rush that’s hard to explain. Mum and Dad weren’t happy of course.
They’d planned my future (their pension plan, some might say). Anyway, I went with my heart and started travelling with the fair. That’s when I met a boy and fell in love. Urggh! Silly girl. Willy was (and still is) so handsome and charming, a mechanic. Unfortunately my weakness has always been bad boys. And Willy was certainly one of those. I put my reservations aside though and we decided to rent a cottage together in Shitterton.
Everything was so perfect at the beginning. Until that is, one day I came home early and caught Willy stirring his dipstick in our neighbours back passage. I should’ve seen it coming really. My mum always said, “You’re too good for Willy, you deserve someone like Dick from the butchers”. The thing is, since I’d got into performing, most of the country boys assumed I was some kind of floosy. Just because a girl likes to wear a lace front wig and fish nets.
I decided to throw all my chips on red and move to Brighton, to be a cabaret performer. The gays were calling me. I’ve been here for a few years now, and I couldn’t be happier. Mum and dad even come to my shows from time to time. They always prefer to remain anonymous. “Tory values never leave you, dear” my mum squawks. I’ve come a long way from that farm in Scratchy Bottom. However, I’m still looking for my Prince Charming…”
