Remember when YouTube was full of really fucking bizarre shit like Shoes by Kelly and God Warrior? Instead of now which is all VEVO and makeup tutorials by teenage girls that need a good slap? We’ve compiled a list of our favourite hits from the days when you’d lose three hours watching this rubbish and then realise you’d wandered into that weird part of the internet again.
We miss them.
Bad Ass Strippa – Jentina
Described in the comments as “an even less classy version of Cher Lloyd”, Jentina Chapman is a lean, mean rapping machine. Despite having a voice that sounds like she needs a new Ventolin in her inhaler asap, she’s gonna flip you on your back and your stack… of fifty dollah billlzzzzz. So, so terrible. We love it. We love her rhythm-free ‘moves’, we love her New Look clearance sale style, we love the high-end editing of her video. We do wonder whether she actually knows what an Escalade is though. Corsa looks more up her street, in all honesty. SHAKEY SHAKE-SHAKEY SHAKE!
Slice Me Nice – Lady Lloyd
We love Lady Lloyd. Like, we think we’re actually a bit obsessed with her. She can do no wrong in our eyes. Except, well, this. “I’m like a cake that wants to be baked” Yeah, well you’d probably enjoy this a whole lot more if you were completely fucking baked. Lloyd won’t even perform this anymore. Well, actually she will, but only if the price is right. Same as most things with Lloyd really. LOVE YOU!
Oh Boy – Shardinay
When a girl is called Shardinay, you know the music is going to be good. When you find out she spells it phonetically, it’s bound to be even better. Our favourite cheap wine-cum “UK female urban sensation” didn’t disappoint with her, um, diss track? We have no idea what this is supposed to be. It’s hard to follow the lyrics to this one amid the insane, melody-free production, the bizarre rap section by someone who actually says “oh my days” and a ‘dance ‘break’ that looks like it was filmed in Sainburys Whitechapel’s underground car park and choreographed by Christopher Reeve (RIP). Apparently the choreo was actually by someone called Tipsey. She’s also one of the ‘featured’ ‘dancers’ alongside Trina, Angie & Georgina. So there you go.
K Rizz – Yes Bitch
K Rizz has discovered the holy grail of the internet – she made a music video so shite, that everyone thought it was ironic and she gained critical acclaim. Following the cult success of ‘Yes Bitch’ (lol), she’s been featured in Dazed, i-D, Vice and Pitchfork, and she’s got a recording contract, and tens of thousands of hits on Spotify. Yes bitch! Perhaps her penchant for pink cowboy hats helped, they’re very in right now. Just ask Chema Diaz. Also, the video for Yes Bitch is fucking iconic. At one point she just lies down on a glass dining table in a ball gown, looking like an estate agent on MDMA. The sheer audacity of it is mind blowing. Here’s to you, K Rizz. We take off our pink cowboy hats to you.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZtiFgw-Tn4g
3 Second Rule – Lisa Gail Allred
Just so we’re all clear, this is the OFFICIAL video from the ONE AND ONLY Lisa Gail Allred, okay? No imposters here, this is legit Lisa Gail musical pleasure. The comments on this little number are a real treats, from LG herself haggling with people about the price of a sign, to important tips like “three seconds is the longest you should ever sit on a cactus” from Jonas Clark. This is just a very helpful song all round. Lisa’s full of info about how to keep a man. You should believe her too! She’s got eight cowboys all devoted to her! Well, until the 2 hours are up and she’s paid them their ten dollar fee and let them have a blow on her straight husband’s pickle. CRAIGLIST WHORES! Oh well, can’t blame a girl for trying. And we love her belted white blouse, Mask of Zorro eye makeup and crispy Betty Spaghetti hair. Livin’ La Lisa Loca!
Cashpoint Drama – Jin Jin
If you need a good laugh, have a watch of Cashpoint Drama. Let’s be honest, Cashpoint Drama is the best name for a song EVER. Isn’t it. IT IS. And we can all identify with it. It’s all about that feeling when you’re at the cash machine and someone’s stood a bit too close behind you and you’re like “AHH THEY’RE LOOKING AT MY PIN.” Yeah, that. It also contains the line “You’re way too close, so get in line! I’m checkin’ mah account, in mah own damn time!” We love the singer Jin Jin. She looks like she’d be a right laugh on a night out at Dalston Superstore. Or maybe she’s a homophobe. You never know. But she’s wearing zebra print heels, so probably not.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rr4efN7NDR0
Five Seconds – Tara Palmer-Tomkinson
This is an introspective ballad from Tara Palmer-Tomkinson. No, you’re not having an aneurism, you actually just read that. It’s an ill-advised attempt at a solo career, that happened a few years ago, between her appearance on the Comic Relief Edition of Fame Academy, and eleventh holiday to Colombia (we’ll let you draw your own conclusions from that one). In the video, she swings on a swing, tries on some hats, poses for a photo with a horse (?) and drapes herself all over some hairy muscle queen who she probably picked up floating in the Thames outside Vauxhall Station. The whole thing looks like a GCSE Media Studies project based on Smack the Pony and it’s hilarious.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=67h4dy4J1aU
Cheryl Aster – Do It On Your Own
Dear Christ. Fresh from the high-octane working men’s clubs of Hatfield, it’s karaoke queen and part time Aldi employee, Cheryl Aster! Next to this, Tara Palmer Tomkinson could be nominated for a Grammy. It just shows, everything’s relative. We actually feel a bit bad making fun of this, because it’s clear that Cheryl has no idea how terrible she is. It’s fine to make fun of people who have their own confident knowing wink to their ridiculous, but making fun of people who are genuinely trying is just a bit bleak. So we’ll leave it there.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1HuyQg7zPi0
Hot Problems – Double Take
The description for this video says “Old Bailey Productions did not create any of the audio or lyrics for this video. We produced the video as a favour”. We can’t imagine why the production company responsible for bringing this abortion to term would want to disassociate themselves from it. It really has got it all. Well, if ‘all’ means two butt-faced teens warbling about how great they are in the back of a rental limo. One of them looks a bit like Kristen Schaal minus the comedic charm. The other one just looks like a cunt. Anyway, it’s wonderful. A true tribute to American teen narcissism. It would actually make a pretty good satire, but we get the feeling that’s a concept these two treats wouldn’t quite be able to get their heads around. Hot girls really do have problems. Especially when they’re not actually that hot and completely dead in the head. Enjoy your furore to post-surgery painkillers, girls!
