Clubbing leviathans Beyond are turning fourteen! They’re celebrating by throwing a Miami-themed bash, as you may have seen from our cover. It’s hard to miss really. In fact frankly, if you haven’t noticed, we’re worried, because you must be very, very drunk. Go home.
Miami is the city of vices! A Vice City, if you will. Omg, GTA Vice City, what a game! Except we didn’t actually play it properly. We just popped down to the boardwalk and had a gossip with the prostitutes. Then maybe a stroll through the park. We never actually shot anyone. Unless we didn’t like their outfit, in which case, WAAASSTTEEEDD.
Anyway, Miami is a great theme for Beyond’s birthday, because it matches their aesthetic. Wild glamour, sexy hedonism and a care-free, anything goes attitude!
So in its honour, in true QX style, we’ve decided to do…a list! Ten Types Of Guy To Pull In Miami! This applies not just to the city of Miami, but also to BEYOND MIAMI!
The Gay Porn Star
There are lots of gay porn stars in Miami, because there are lots of gay porn STUDIOS in Miami. From Bang Bros to Baitbus. Not that we’d know, of course. Gay porn stars are very sexy. They get paid for being very sexy, so you can’t really dispute that can you.
The Surf Dude
We LOVE a surf dude. Wooden bead necklaces, three-quarter-length shorts, handjobs under the pier. Hot. Perfect for feeling your Marissa Cooper fantasy.
The Gangster
Miami has the highest crime rate of any city in the world, and with that, inevitably, comes gangsters! Dating a gangster is great. You get to wear leopard print and smoke twenty cigarettes a day. Just make sure you always have a bag packed and a gun under your pillow.
The Flair Bartender
Flair bartending is the practice of looking cool by flinging bottles all over the place and setting fire to (sorry, “flambéing”) bits of orange peel and things. If you pull a flair bartender, you’ll never have to buy an M&S can of ready-mixed cosmopolitan again! There are plenty in Miami, and there’ll be a few at Beyond too!
The Bodybuilder
Testosterone, tanlines and rippling muscles. These are all attributes of the bodybuilder, who populate Miami in abundance! We’ve never done bodybuilding, because it involves watching your diet, and we like crisps.
Justin Bieber
Justin Bieber regularly holidays in Miami. In fact, those fit pictures of him were taken AT DONATELLA’S HOUSE, so al, the more reason to make friends with Donatella. Oh come on, don’t look at us like that. You’d totally bang him.
Donatella Versace
Now, Donatella Versace is not a guy. Well, we’re ASSUMING she’s not a guy. Even if she’s not biologically a guy, she might identify as a guy. You never know. She’s never said! Well, either way, she’s got an epic house there, so if you befriend her, you can sit in her pool on a big inflatable swan.
The Band Guy
There’s quite a big rock scene in Miami, ergo, there are quite a few band guys floating about. All sleeve tattoos and trilbies and rosary necklaces. We love a band guy. Whiskey and cola, sex in the back of vans, that sort of thing.
The Bouncer
There are loads of bouncers in Miami – it’s always useful dating a bouncer, because you might get free entry! We know all about the benefits of free entry here at QX. Also, bouncers have broad shoulders, which is always nice. Love a broad shoulder.
The Straight Porn Star
There are even more straight porn stars in Miami than there are gay porn stars! In fact, allegedly, even most of the gay porn stars are straight. Oh well, it’s a job. Our favourite straight porn star is Sasha Grey. She’s written books and is in an indie band and is really good at doing gangbangs. We sort of want to be her.
• So that concludes our list of Guys To Pull in Miami! Take note ready for BEYOND MIAMI – The 14th Birthday, which is on Saturday 1st October at The Coronet Theatre. 28 New Kent Road, SE1 6TJ. 11pm – 6am. Adv tickets £11. And the party continues with BEYOND BIRTHDAY PART 2 at Fire. For more info and tickets, head to orangenation.co.uk
