The worst thing about New Year’s Eve is, probably, ten-deep queues at the bar. More than once, midnight has chimed whilst crammed in between a hen party and a drag queen, hopelessly waving a fiver in the air while bar staff flit back and forth looking ANYWHERE but at you.
So, here’s a handy guide on how to avoid half-hour waits to get a drink! If anyone’s qualified to give advice on this, it’s us. We love a drink. We also know our bars. And we’ve slept with several (hundred) bar staff. And many of us, at one point or another, have worked as bar staff. So we’ve got INSIDER KNOWLEDGE.
Here it is, the guide to GETTING SERVED.
Remember bar staff’s jobs are fucking hard
Without getting too preachy about it, this is really important to remember. There are actually few jobs harder than working behind a bar in London on New Year’s Eve. And just remember, most of them (not all of them but most of them) will be SOBER. And will have to deal with hours and hours of drunk, belligerent people screeching unclear drinks orders at them over a Jodie Harsh megamix. Just take a moment to imagine how difficult that is.
DON’T wave your money in their face
Bar staff hate this. It won’t get you served any quicker. In fact, if you wave money in their face, they’ll be inclined to avoid you for as long as possible.
Work the crowd
Say hi to everyone in the queue in front of you, even if you don’t know who the fuck they are. You can sort of passively push past them while you do this, and before you know it you’re at the front of the queue, being served a nice frosty vodka coke! Hooray!
Be hot
This is, as everyone knows, the surest route to being served quickly in bars. Just. Yeah. Be hot. And lean forward seductively and make striking eye contact with the staff.
Be tall
This helps because you can reach over people to place your order. And you’re also far more noticeable.
Be famous
Being famous helps in pretty much any situation, but ESPECIALLY when trying to get served at a bar. Getting drinks at bars is all about catching the staff’s attention, and if you’re famous, you don’t even have to try.
Be hot, tall and famous
Naomi Campbell is a perfect example of this. Do you think she waits to get served in bars? No. In fact, she doesn’t wait at bars at all. She gets drinks BROUGHT to her. She probably doesn’t even know what a “bar” is. She might not even know what money is. She certainly knows what champagne is though.
Be a drag queen
Similarly to Naomi Campbell, drag queens NEVER wait to be served in bars and they too often get drinks brought to them. Of course the downside is they have to entertain people in return.
Sleep with bar staff
The more bar staff you sleep with, the more likely you are to be served in bars. It’s a proven correlation. We’d draw a Venn Diagram but we can’t be arsed.
Be NICE
This sounds really simple, but most people are horrid. It’s kind of understandable. It’s a perfect storm of being drunk, but wanting to be more drunk, but having to wait to be more drunk, and then getting pissed off about it. Well, through your post-drunk pre-wasted stupor, just try to remember – if you’re a dick to people, it won’t make things happen any faster. Smile at everyone around you, laugh a lot, make jokes, and karma will guide you to your next tequila shot. That’s all.
