If you haven’t heard of the Sex Shells yet, you probably don’t get out much. You’re probably a corporate research analyst for Jane Norman. Or maybe you’re Myleene Klass. She’s probably never been East of Marble Arch. Her idea of an edgy night out is probably having a large glass of pinot instead of a medium one.
ANYWAY the Sex Shells are an all-singing, all-dancing, all-rimming comedy troupe! Their anarchic, referential, anarchically referential humour has made waves on London’s alternative drag/comedy/cabaret circuit, and now they’ve got BIG PLANS to take their brand further afield and take over the world.
Ahead of their super duper show SEX SHELLS XL at The Glory, we sat down with three quarters of The Shells; LeStrange, Calum Mac and Dom Top. Rose is the other one, but she was busy perusing Ridley Road Market, buying vintage yams and plastic sunglasses for £5.
Hey Sex Shells! Describe yourselves in three gorgey words (each)
LeStrange: Pointy, skew-whiff, phantasmagorical.
Calum Mac: Buggering, bastard, bollocks.
Dom Top: Tart without heart.
What’s your best item of crustacean couture?
L: My exoskeleton – it makes me feel like a prawn star. When you see me rubbing myself frenetically against winkles it means I have grown too large for it.
D: Back in the 2007 indie explosion, I owned a lovely pair of winklepickers.
C: I have a purse shaped like a shell that DOM TOP got me from Primark. Super cute!
What’s the most obscene thing you’ve done on a beach?
L: Been tide up and whelked.
C: Years ago I rang my ex boyfriend whilst in bed with his ex boyfriend in a caravan on Hornsea beach as an act of revenge.
D: I’ve been to Bear Week in Sitges. Use your imagination.
What does the word “seapunk” mean to you?
C: Absolutely nothing, why?
L: Anemone.
D: It means get off Tumblr, Dylan.
What does the word “spunk” mean to you?
C: Breakfast.
L: Nonhegemonic dominion; elderly daffodils; the smell of dishwashers.
D: It means CLAIRE-ANN, I’M LEAVIN’. And that you can forget about Samba!
Why is mephedrone over?
L: WHAT?
C: It got shit, I prefer Lurpak.
D: I guess everyone finally got tired of stinking of cat piss and/or having sex that required one to bundle their flaccid cock up and shove it into someone, a la bundling a load of wet laundry into a tumble dryer.
Is the London gay scene dead?
L: It’s undead, and there’s no stake big enough to touch the sides of its gaping black heart. Slaying and penetration merely lead to nightmarish regeneration.
D: Have you ever noticed that the only people who say stuff like that are hideous? I feel like saying “London’s not dead love, but several of your teeth are by the look and smell of things”. The scene is what you make it (yeah yeah).
C: If it’s dead I’d happily revive it with a bit of the ol’ CPR! My life-giving lips are wet, open and waiting.
What do you all think of the sociopolitical milieu of Le Strange’s living room?
L: It’s Vanessa Feltz’s custard and T.S. Eliot’s “still point of the turning world.” It’s been filling up with fags, butts, fag butts, and ash for years, but still no sign of a phoenix.
C: Adam tells me his big Amaryllis growing by the ledge is insta-famous. It’s due to be on the cover of Boyz in July.
D: It needs vacuuming.
What’s the best thing you’ve found in a toilet cubicle?
C: A dropped baggie in 2013.
L: A genuine connection, you know?
D: A human adult tooth, covered in spit and blood. This was in a Wetherspoons, so I wasn’t that surprised.
What do the words “Tara Palmer-Tomkinson” mean to you?
L: Heritage vegetables and British national identity.
D: A fallen angel and mesmerising chanteuse. Five Seconds is the anthem of a generation.
C: Anger – the clip of her on Frank Skinner doesn’t exist on the internet. Lost TV gold.
Have any of you ever had sex with a celebrity?
If so, who? And why? TELL US.
L: I once pulled a minor Labour spin doctor at the Oxford Union. I think I thought he might make me a cabaret star. Well, look at me now.
C: Yes, all of them at the Hamptons Hoedown one summer. Afterwards, Miranda held my hair back as I puked on the beach.
D: No, but everybody I’ve had sex with has had sex with a celebrity *INSERT NAIL PAINTING EMOJI*
Did any of you invent post-its?
L: No, although Dom Top is known for his it-posts.
C: No, but for years I have gone uncredited as the person who brought crop tops to Maspolomas pride in 2011.
D: Do you have a businesswoman’s special? I’m doin’ Tuscon later.
Now some QUICK FIRE maritime QUESTIONS:
Martine McCrustaceon or Crustacean Aguilera?
L: Crustacean Lacroix, schweedie.
D: My sister is called Kristina. I used to call her “Crustacean”. Then I shortened it to “Crust”. We no longer speak. She’s so touchy.
C: Both, with the crusts cut off.
SHELLy BASSey or SHELLy Mclain?
L: For tidal range alone, it’s got to be BASSey.
D: Jake Bass, thnx.
C: MARY SHELLy
SHELLDER from Pokemon or SHELLy from Corrie
L: Shelly Valentine?
D: Jigglypuff. Always and forever, Jigglypuff.
C: These maritime questions need to be put on the SHELLf.
Baroness SHELLyda Warsi or SHELLesa May?
L: Crabtree & Evelyn.
D: I’m allergic to shitty shellfish beaches. Neither.
C: You SHELL not pass – Gandalf
Finally some more sensible ones:
How would you describe your comedy?
L: A big rude banana tree with its roots in a chill out and its face in Nigella Lawson’s shopping basket. We’re brash and fruity and phallic and noisy and intrusive, and we pack just the potassium punch you need if you’ve been wallowing in gay fleshpots for too long.
D: Gay. Just so, so, so very gay.
C: £15 a ticket.
If you could gig at ANY venue, where would it be?
C: At Tina Turner’s funeral.
L: The Vatican.
D: Is Brazil a venue? No? I don’t care. I want to be in Brazil. Actually I just want Brazil in me. The male population anyway.
Tell us what’s in store for the future of the SHELLS!
C: Everything and more. Large gouts of additional with rivers of increase and more hats, gloves and shoes.
L: We’re going to keep riding the wave, baby! We’ve done Latitude, Channel Islands Pride, the Brighton Fringe, and now from our stronghold at the Glory we’re going to colonise other rock pools – regular gigs at the Shacklewell Arms, more festivals, bigger outfits, brighter lights, juicier mussels. The world is our lobster.
D: Conquering Latin America, six wildly successful seasons of our TV show on E4, an explosive argument that ends the group, a tell-all book about Calum’s descent into cocaine hell and a reunion Christmas single featuring Kim Woodburn called “Oh Come On, Darlin’ (You Enjoyed That Didn’t You MY Loves?)”.
• THANKS SHELLS! If you want to see The Shells live, they’re performing SEX SHELLS XL at The Glory (281 Kingsland Road, E2 8AS, do not pass go do not collect £200) until 4th March. Tickets available HERE
