Dylan Jones and GFOTY had a packet of crisps and like 30 pints, and bitched about dickheads who move to Berlin.
Polly-Louisa Salmon, otherwise known under her stage name GFOTY (Girlfriend Of The Year) is one of PC Music’s most entertaining and unorthodox stars. PC Music doesn’t stand for Politically Correct music, btw. It stands for PC as in, like, a PC computer. The label’s artists specialize in totes major tongue-in-cheek tunes.
I met GFOTY at a 90’s Aqua warehouse rave a few weeks ago (obvs.) She’s insouciant, incendiary and Instagrammable, and as she bursts into Wetherspoons on Holloway Road, clinking cutlery screeches to a halt, heads turn, and a bottle of ketchup falls over.
In one booth, a middle-aged man in a crap polo shirt is frozen, a forkful of Chilli Con Carne (£6.99 With A Drink Of Your Choice) poised at his lips. Even his wet look gel is shook.
GOFTY sits down, sweeping hair from her face and chucking her bag unceremoniously across the awful carpet. The first thing she notices is my t-shirt, which has the logo of porn site CAM4 emblazoned on it.
DYLAN: You know Cam4 right?
GFOTY: I don’t! I like the colours though.
Cam4’s a porn site.
FUCK! You know what, I do know Cam4. Sorry, I was distracted, I was thinking about cars. Yeah of course I know Cam4! I worked there a few years ago.
So we’re in Holloway Road Wetherspoons. Isn’t it lovely.
It’s very nice.
What do you think about gentrification?
It’s rubbish! So bad! I’m trying to think of a good thing about it…
Not even that though. Every time I get a poached egg, I ask for it to be soft. And then they give it to me and it’s rock hard. There’s no such thing as a nice brunch anymore, unless you to go Ottolenghi.
The worst thing about gentrification is those cafes with chalkboards that have quirky stuff written on them…
At Highbury Corner there’s a café with a chalkboard that says “Pilates? We thought you said Pie and Lattes!”
Oh my god.
Literally just fuck off.
There are other bad things about London. I hate when people get in the way on the street.
I can’t stand it. Once this woman had a go at me at a tube station because apparently I pushed in front of her in the queue. I said “well someone must be on their period”, and she chased after me! Apparently people don’t like it when you say they’re on their period.
What do you think about feminism?
I don’t even know what it is to be a feminist anymore. It seems like if you’re gonna be a feminist, you have to hate men. I do think women are treated differently in the workplace. Which isn’t fair. But I think “feminism” has become a really horrible word. The Women’s March and things like that are great. But things need to be changed.
You grew up in London. Do you like it?
I love North London. It’s my favourite part of the world. I like my friends, and I like people who come from other parts of the world to London. What I don’t like, is people from England or London who move to Berlin. They think they’re so cool.
Or if they move to Margate.
Yes! I heard that’s the new place to move to! Where has this come from? And they act all cool too. Why is that? London’s better!
I love London. Holloway Road’s a bit weird though.
Yeah, my boyfriend was headbutted on the way home once. He came to mine with a bleeding nose, and I woke up furious with him because I thought he had just taken loads of coke.
So your logo is a blatent rip-off of the Starbucks logo…
I kind of wanna get sued by Starbucks. That would be amazing. Something like that would make everything so much better for me. I love Starbucks,
Is Starbucks your hobby?
I never really thought I had any hobbies, but you’ve just made me realize that THAT’S my hobby…my hobby is Starbucks.
“Do you have any hobbies” is such a weird question.
Yeah! Also, I’ve always hated it when people ask you, “What’s your favourite album?” That’s such a horrible question. I don’t have favourite albums, I just have favourite songs.
If someone asks me that question, I say Confessions by Madonna. What do you say?
So if it’s favourite album altogether, as in, a work of art, it’d probably be Now That’s What I Call Music 45.
Does that count?
It does! Or like, Best Hits by Nirvana. No that’s really lame. Fuck.
How old are you?
Are you? Let me guess your star sign. I don’t think you’re Cancer. Are you a Libra?
What are you?!
Whatever. I always get it right usually.
So, do you think mainstream music is copying PC Music?
I don’t know the answer to that. HOWEVER, I’ve noticed with myself in particular, that fucking Kylie Jenner copies everything I do. I swear. Whenever I tell people they just say I’m lying. But I started wearing the red bronzey eyeshadow before her. And I’ve had this Starbucks obsession for ages, and then she started posting about Starbucks. And then I bought this whole Waltham outfit, posted a picture of me wearing it, and then two months later she had EXACTLY the same outfit on! Something’s going on.
Maybe we could expose this.
You should! I’ll send you the pictures.
I love that we’re sat in Holloway Road Wetherspoons discussing the potential sociopolitical influence of PC Music.
It’s perfect, it’s the best place to be!
The barmen here are quite hot. What’s your type?
I go after literally anyone who fancies me.
I was once dating this gorgeous dreadlocked man I met in Camden Market. But he was bland. Looks aren’t everything.
When I was fourteen, I would go to Camden Market with a cigarette but no lighter, and just walk around trying to find a hot hunk who I could go up to and ask for a lighter. But by the time I found one I’d be too embarrassed to ask. So I was just like, walking around Camden with no lighter and no ambitions.
“No Lighter & No Ambitions” should be the name of your next album.
So let’s talk about your music. I’ve been listening to VIPOTY. It’s so bizarre, I love it. Tell me about it.
Well all my old stuff was done in mixes. ‘Secret Mix’ was first, then there was ‘Cake Mix’. They were really quick 2-minute songs with covers in between. And then I realized I wanted there to be a storyline for the next one. I was really into Gossip Girl at the time. I was obsessed.
Are you Blair Waldorf?
I’m so Blair Waldorf. Well, I try to be her, but I think I’m more like Jenny Humphrey. But Blair was my idol when I was writing the script. So basically I thought I should make a whole storyline. I also wanted people to differentiate between Polly – me – and GFOTY, my stage persona. So that was the function of the storyline, so that people can see there are two different people. I just wanted that because there are a lot of GFOTY haters, and there are also a lot of Polly haters. Because I do come across quite posh.
Do people have a problem with that?
I think, because I’m associated with my dad, who’s been on the telly, or GFOTY who’s like a rich princess character, they have an issue with that.
Are you comfortable performing?
Totally! I’m so not afraid of performing, it’s one of my favourite things to do. But if someone said to me “Polly, it’s time to give a presentation about mirrors to a thousand people”, I would pass out. I don’t know very much about mirrors.
Where did the character of GFOTY come from?
I was going out with a guy I didn’t fancy at the time, and I had just cheated on him with two other people. I’d had a threesome basically. And his best friend found out. Anyway, I was trying to figure out a way to break up with him, but also I felt really guilty. So I was sitting at a computer one day thinking ‘oh I should maybe start a blog.’ And Girlfriend Of The Year just came to me. It was like my split personality because I knew I was such a bad person.
And you say things via that persona?
I would be so cringed out if I was saying things I actually believe online. It needs to be through a persona.
It’s always better to be funny and ironic.
I think so, but sometimes that doesn’t work. Like when you were asking me about feminism earlier on…if I was more serious I’d have more of an opinion. But I can’t bring myself to be too serious about stuff. Which is probably a bad thing in some aspects, and good in others.
Well you’re a music artist, you’re not a politican.
I’d love to see what the world was like if I ran it for a day. It would just be awful.
GFOTY’s night ClubRepz at Styx on May 26th. Deets and tickets here. Get a taste of it HERE: