Back by unpopular demand, it’s Lady Lloyd’s Eurovision roundup!
Last year, Ukraine’s last minute wig snatch from Australia led to boos, actual tears and me, Lady Lloyd, being so shook that I fell off a table and got a fat lip. Let’s pray for Euphoria this year, with my top picks…
12 Points : Italy ‘Occidentalis Karma’
OK, it’s the favourite and has over 100m views on YouTube, but this really is ‘The One’. It screams ‘Eurovision’ and ‘Winner’. It’s about Cultural Appropriation and a naked dancing ape pops up halfway through….hmmm…but this is the whole package. You’ll be doing the dance.
10 Points : Estonia ‘Verona’
Eurovision loves a duo and so do we! ‘Verona’ is the most classic-sounding Eurovision song here. A monster of a double chorus, it might be let down by staging that looks like it’s from Eva Longoria’s shite ‘Telenovella’ series….
8 Points : Belgium ‘City Lights’
The competition’s most contemporary song, ‘City Lights’ is a dark, brooding, electro stomper unlike anything else in the competition. The singer Blanche has a deep unsettling tone and with the right lighting could be a total moment. Extraordinary.
7 Points : FYR Macedonia ‘Dance Alone’
This sounds like Dragonette on the verses and Carly Rae’s Jepsen’s ‘E-MO-TION’ on the chorus. What more could a gay want? Well, they’ve enlisted the help of the choreographer from ‘Euphoria’ too so expect good things.
6: Points : Bulgaria ‘Beautiful Mess’
The first of a few absolutely huge ballads that sound like they belong in the charts today, Bulgaria are currently second favourite with this sweeping monster of a tune.
5 Points : Australia ‘Don’t Come Easy’
After being robbed last year, Australia are back with a fighting chance. The singer Isaiah has the best male vocal in the contest and Australia has another stylish ballad in the song. Extra points for hair, eyes and lips. FIT.
4 Points : Sweden ‘I Can’t Go On’
Dreamy Robin, where to begin. OK the song is only just above average,
but the staging is Eurovision gold. Should win for the nod alone, you’ll know what we mean.
3 Points : Azerbaijan ‘Skeletons’
Don’t know where the fuck Azerbaijan is but they never let the side down, and usually do very well. Skeletons takes off in the chorus, and the song is much more than just some old rotting carcass.
2 Points : Norway ‘Grab The Moment’
Probably one of the more straightforward songs in our list, this is a breezy, poppy number that we can’t help but feel would be higher up in the bookies if the singer wasn’t so fucking rotten. YOU CANT HAVE IT ALL.
1 Point : Finland ‘BlackBird’
An absolutely devastating ballad, with a haunting piano breakdown, and an effortlessly angelic vocal, BlackBird deserves a high placing for being so daring. This is Eurovision like you’ve never heard it before. As dark as the night.
Honorable Mentions :
Latvia, Armenia, Netherlands, Denmark, Israel, Hungary, Switzerland, Iceland.
UKs Chances (ha) :
Lucie Jones is currently about midway in the bookies for her drippy ballad ‘Never Give Up On You’ (EU). Although written with Emile De Forrest of winning ‘Only Teardrops’ fame, this goes nowhere and Lucie’s performances so far look like she’s just found out her Nana’s dropped dead. Charisma vacuum.
Hunty Watch :
Italy’s bit of cheeky rough, Sweden’s LADS LADS LADS, Belgium’s Twink (He’s 17, don’t panic), Australia’s Isaiah…but you’ll all be leaking for Imri from Israel.
NUL POINTS :
Croatia. ‘Jacques Houdek’ has sadly been known for spewing homophobic remarks. Hmmm…he is performing his song as ‘two personalities’ one singing opera and the other feminine part of the song in falsetto…sounds like drag to us!
Lady Lloyd’s Eurovision Party is on Saturday 13th May at Ku Bar, 30 Lisle Street, WC2H 7BA. 6pm onwards. Hit attending on Facebook here.
