It’s WINTER! Mariah Carey’s voice is waiting in the wings behind tinny speakers from Westfield to Wanstead, Lady Lloyd has started wearing actual clothes, and the ducks in Regents Park are starting to quack a bit less enthusiastically. Apparently, loads of them die over the winter. Like, most of them just drop dead. Literally freeze and starve to death. Oh well.
We absolutely fucking hate the winter here at QX. And you know what we hate even more than winter? We hate those people who gush about winter. Claudia bloody Schiffer bounding up to you in a Burberry trenchcoat and Hunter wellies going “Oh isn’t the cold weather DIVINE! It’s just so atmospheric and romantic!” NO Claudia, it’s a bleak, hopeless slog, that begins with a Halloween hangover on November 1st and doesn’t end until usually around March or April, FIVE MONTHS LATER.
So, as we always do when we can’t think of anything else to write, we’ve written A GUIDE. We mainly write guides because we enjoy making these little collages that go with them (see above). We basically just make them on Paint. Copy and paste! Good to know that GCSE in IT didn’t go to waste.
Don’t you even fucking dream of uttering the words “pumpkin spiced latte”
We will find you, and kill you.
Don’t go out
Just don’t leave the house. This is a great way of beating winter. Turn all the lights on, put the heating on full, and make full use of all your electronic devices. It’s very relaxing and also great for the environment.
The only thing worse than being trapped inside on a rainy, cold day, is being trapped inside with SOMEONE ELSE. You want to be able to burp and fart and watch porn and eat gross things in PEACE, thank you very much!
Get into needlepoint
It’s very therapeutic, and you can make yourself a lovely calming scene of rural Japan or something. Cranes flying over mountains. Koi carp oscillating. Cherry blossoms tumbling. We’re not gonna lie, it’s not the most scintillating of activities, but it is better for your body than doing, say, cocaine.
Remember, every episode of Come Dine With Me is on 4OD
Literally hundreds of episodes of the best TV show in the world are available right at your fingertips, for free.
Buy lots of house plants
It’ll give your house or flat or bedsit or squat a distinctly tropical feel, even if it’s -1 degrees outside. If you’ve got loads of them, you can somersault through them in army gear and re-enact that scene from Jurassic Park. Clever girl!
Get a house boy
Let’s be clear here “house boy” is a term for not “boys” but MEN, who get off on doing menial tasks around the house, in return for sexual favours. Sometimes they’ll even drive you places. Not that we know, of course.
Go to a different country
Unfortunately, there aren’t many super hot countries where homosexuality is legal. You might get a gorgey tan, but there’s a distinct chance of getting thrown in prison. Depends on your priorities really! We’d advice SOUTHERN SPAIN. Their gay rights are even better than ours, and it’s gorgeously hot, but not too hot. Seville is stunning, you can go and visit the place where they filmed Naboo in Star Wars, for free!
Eating any and all cheese is acceptable during winter. Don’t even bother cutting bits off, just bite straight into the block.
Try not to fall into a pit of existential despair
This is easier said than done, as we all know. Just, you know, try.
What NOT to do:
Here’s what NOT TO DO, to avoid crushing seasonal affective disorder; do not listen to the music of Portishead or Massive Attack; do not do drugs, because the comedown just won’t end until April; do not watch Lord of the Rings, they’re actually very grey, wintery films; do not overload on carbs; do not break up with your romantic partner (wait until April); get buses instead of the tube. And you might – MIGHT – be ok. But we’re not promising anything.