MERRY CHRISTMAS! It’s the most magical time of the year, and London’s cabaret scene is abuzz with festive shows and pantos that are oozing innuendo and filth. Just how we like them! But spare a thought for the artists who will be working most of the festive season to entertain you, they don’t ask for much – just money, and riotous applause, and alcohol, and your undivided attention.
Seriously though, nobody wants to hear you talk to your mate Brenda through a whole show so remember to respect the ART darling, even if you have mulled wine coming out of your nostrils. ANYWAY, this week Jason Reid cornered some of those fabulous queens of the scene to find out what’s on their Christmas wish list…
I don’t want a lot for Christmas, there is just one thing I need. I don’t care about the bodies underneath my Christmas tree. I just want puppies for my own, and we could maybe share a bone, make my wish come true. All l want for Christmas is for zoophilia to be legally recognised as a legitimate form of romantic relationship. I don’t see what the fuss is really; the peanut butter goes on and the peanut butter comes off. When was the last time your fella properly went down on you? I’m talking tonguing the alphabet backwards, forwards and sideways. You know what? I don’t know why I bother, pass the Baileys.
All I want for Christmas is… MORE DRUGS! And for someone to remove this bloody tag from my ankle. It’s getting on me tits, babs!
All I want for Christmas is a big strong man with a huge peppermint stick, some press-on nails from Primark and a US president who actually acknowledges and cares for the LGBTQIA community.
All I want for Christmas is for people on the scene to be a bit nicer to each other. I’m not saying everyone has to love every single person, but stop ‘coming’ for one another. Failing that I’ll settle for a tall, dark handsome stallion, with a cock to his knees and the stamina of a Duracell bunny.
Felix Le Freak
All I want for Christmas is to surround myself with fairy lights and starchy, raisin infused foodstuffs in the hopes of anaesthetising the crushing failures of late stage capitalism. Also world peace. And a giant sack of dildos.
All I want for Christmas is pizza, some Tiffany diamonds, a visa, a chihuahua, a Balenciaga gown, a visa, a second husband, a third boob job… and did I mention a visa?
Stephanie Von Clitz
All I want for Christmas is a new camp hairdo because at the moment I apparently resemble a blue-haired Theresa May. And nobody wants to be compared to a woman whose idea of fun is running through fields of wheat, do they lover? I’d like lots of cock too, I love cock. Yum!
All I want for Christmas is for Brexit to be cancelled, Boris Johnson to be sacked, Scotland to become an independent nation, Donald Trump to be impeached, and Melania to release a chart-topping break-up album. Failing all that, I’d be happy with a wee selection box. Aldi does nice ones.
All I want for Christmas is a Joe Malone Pomegranate Noir, some new underwear, a voucher for TGI Fridays, a pink kettle, Nando’s peri peri sauce (in a glass bottle), a Mac voucher of no less than £100 and some of those dead fizzy sweets from the shop round me nans.