As we all know, this time of year is exhaustingly demanding, party-wise. As soon as Halloween’s over, it’s a slippery, icy glissade into glitter-spattered madness. This begins NOW. It’s December. You’ll be out every night until 2018.
Names, names, names! Party, party, party! Photos, photos, photos! You’re on the pulse, on the pull and on the guestlist! We’re going to stop there because we sound like a minor royal vomiting Swarovski all over the pages of Tatler.
But the fact remains, things DO catch up with you over the festive period. Whether it was that final, overzealous flute of prossecco knocked back during the final chorus of Anywhere, or that ill-advised Tuesday night trip to Soho, suddenly you’re at your desk picking tinsel from your hair and crying into a Greggs sausage roll.
But yeah, it’s tough being popular, and partying is a full time job. So here’s our handy guide for surviving the winter party months with just yourself, and a hundred of your closest friends.
Never go to anything on Tuesday
If you CAN squeeze in one night of the week at home, make it Tuesday. Going out on a Tuesday night is just gross. Monday’s ok because it’s basically still the weekend, and Wednesday’s ok because the day after Wednesday is Thursday, which is basically the weekend. But Tuesdays ARE NOT OK. Stay in and have a bath and read Donna Tartt’s The Goldfinch. It’s a very good book.
Don’t pay any attention to those “festive fashion” guides
Every year, in every magazine from ES to Elle, there’s a WHAT TO WEAR and SHOP THE LOOK guide for Christmas parties and they’re always so crap. Oooh, a sparkly silver dress from Topshop! How original, never seen that before. Spray a binbag with reindeer shit and wear that instead.
Don’t drink wine
Wine, particularly RED wine or MULLED wine, is a popular choice in winter because it’s seen as warming and festive. Well, it may be on the first glass, but by the fifth glass you’ll either want to punch someone or go for a kip in the urinal trough. Red wine also gives you the WORST. HANGOVER. EVER.
Don’t go to Winter Wonderland
We shouldn’t have to tell you this by now, but people seem to make this mistake every year. Just don’t, it’s the worst thing since…well…ever. It’s the worst thing ever. There, we said it.
Don’t go to anything outside Zone 3
Trains and transport at this time of year are such a fucking nightmare, that if you go further afield than Zone 3, you might not actually be able to get back again. You’ll have to spend the rest of the year in Leyton. A fate worse than death.
If someone says they’re bringing “party favours” think very carefully about whether you want to go, and what you’re doing the next day
Because we all know what “party favours” means.
If you’ve got a dog, bring it!
People (more specifically, GAY MEN) love dogs, especially at Christmas. You’ll be the talk of baggage claim!
If there’s a cloakroom, put your coat in it, don’t be cheap
If you don’t put your coat in the cloakroom, and instead opt to leave it on a bench or on someone’s bed, it WILL get stolen, or inexplicably disappear. We know this because we’re too cheap to pay for cloakrooms, and as a result have lost approximately 32 coats.
Don’t go home with Noel Fielding
Don’t wear anything that lights up.
Awful, so naff.
DO bring battery-powered LED lights
Right, so there are these great little lights you can get from most party shops – they’re tiny, individual little lights, and they’re very entertaining – their battery compartments are waterproof, so you can run around the party dropping them in people’s drinks; needless to say, hilarity ensues!!!