With honey? With hair? With hairy honey?
This weekend, XXL is turning the dimmer switch down a notch and popping on some Sade, because it’s their Valentines Day party! This is the perfect opportunity to bag yourself a bear. If you fancy some ursine loving, then we’ve got your back. As they always say, you’ll catch more bears with honey rather than vinegar, so here are our tips for luring one into your midst at XXL this Saturday!
Don’t treat them mean, keep them keen
We think this is one of those phrases where the rhyme has been prioritised over the actual truth, a bit like red sky at night, shepherd’s delight, or two in the pleasure, one in the treasure. Don’t treat your bear mean, pay them a compliment! Say you like their dancing. Or their Taylor Swift t-shirt. Whatever, it doesn’t really matter.
Give them Justin Timberlake – Man Of The Woods
If music be the food of love, reheat some in the microwave and chow down! Bears aren’t picky when it comes to the dance floor, but why not pay homage to JT’s new look that he’s adopted for his latest record, which has a distinctly XXL flavour to it; all flannel shirts, bushy beards, and a propensity for getting hands-on with wood. You saw that joke coming from miles away, didn’t you? WE DON’T CARE.
Buy sexy underwear
Along with Bruno Mars and waking up early on Sunday mornings, that old Valentines fave, lingerie, is a bit of a foreign concept for gays. Forget basques and suspenders, the formula for gay underwear is to take a regular pair and just remove the arse. Still, a jock will help you catch the eye of that blond bearded beauty at the bar, so who cares about intricate embroidery?
Shave their initials into your back hair
HB + TH 4EVA. This is the bear equivalent of carving your name into a tree or putting a padlock on a once picturesque Parisian bridge, although not as long-lasting. You will also probably need a friend to do it for you, but tell them it’s all in the name of LUUURVE. Or lust. Aren’t they the same thing?
Buy them a beer
If it worked for your Da as he sidled up to your Mum all those years ago, then it’ll work for you this Saturday night. Get them a pint, drag them to the dance floor and get necking!
XXL Valentines is on Saturday 17th February at Pulse, 1 Invicta Plaza, South Bank, SE1 9UF, 10pm-7am, members £10, guests £15