The QX guide to budget London living!
Despite how much we all try and budget, all it takes is a few big nights out with Smiley Vyrus, an impulsive holiday to Paris (ridiculous lol) and before you know it you’re halfway through the month and already DESTITUTE. So here are some budgeting tips from us to you. You wouldn’t think it was possible to survive London on £50 per week, but it IS.
SO HERE WE GO:
Eating fits into the lower tier of lifestyle expenditures. It’s not an essential like Ubers and alcohol, so when you’re saving money, you can just totally disregard it. Eating is actually totally unnecessary. You’ll save at least £50 a week from not eating. If you HAVE to eat, have plain Sainsburys Basics pasta, it’s only 35p and will fill you up.
Don’t go to the cinema
A waste of money, and totally unnecessary. It is a well-known fact, that most London millenials are destitute not because of underpaid jobs or the property crisis, but because they’re always going to see shit films in the cinema. Beauty & The Beast for £22 at Leicester Square Odeon? What a waste of everyone’s time and money. Just crack open a K-Cider in Traffy S (Trafalgar Square) instead.
Don’t pay rent
Paying rent is so 2016. If you’ve got a boyfriend, move in with him, whether he wants you to or not. Just turn up at 2am with all your possessions. If you haven’t got a boyfriend, just don’t give the rent to your landlord. They can’t legally do anything (this might not be true, they might be able to do something). But you’ve got, like, squatters rights for at least two months. So just don’t pay. If you’re lucky, your landlord might be so rich that he or she doesn’t notice.
Don’t buy clothes
Again, an unnecessary expenditure. If you want a change of image, just take a pair of scissors to some old jeans and BOOM, slutty summer hotpants. The older the better – if they’ve got rips across the ass, that makes it even sluttier. If you HAVE to buy clothes, buy women’s clothes, because they’re generally cheaper and there’s a wider range of styles.
This is an actual sensible, grounded tip. London is a great city to walk around, and it saves on the HUNDREDS OF POUNDS A MONTH that even the cheapest London transport costs. But yeah London is flat, and there are loads of great residential streets to walk around. Careful if you’re walking around Primrose Hill though. You might end up in Gwyneth Paltrow’s back garden, and we all know how THAT would turn out.
Become a journalist
We get loads of free shit. It’s compensation for being awful, vapid people with no souls. Also we’re amazing and we deserve it. You don’t.
Get a boyfriend
They buy you things. Drinks, items of clothing and – sometimes – flights to Los Angeles.
If you’ve got a gym membership, cancel it immediately
If you’re not eating, you won’t need it anyway.
Wear tight jeans
It is a proven fact, that the tighter the jeans, the more free stuff you get. This also applies to short shorts. And most of all, tight short shorts.
Surviving legally in London isn’t actually possible on £50 per week, so you will have to steal things. Nothing big. A beer or two from your housemates. An illegal stream of a Selena Gomez song. An apple from Sainsburys. Just little things.
So that concludes our guide on how to survive London on £50 a week!
Remember – don’t be afraid to steal little bits and pieces, and whatever you do, don’t go to the FUCKING CINEMA.