Last time we published a piece of Sex and the City-related “journalism”, someone on Facebook became so enraged that they claimed we were reducing gay men to nothing more than stereotypes and that we had nothing to our own personalities except “being gay’.
While he may have been completely correct, it was SUCH a Miranda thing to say, so in honour of that angry little man, we’ve put together our favourite Miranda Hobbes moments. Hopefully he’ll enjoy this one a bit more.
So here it is, our fave Miranda Moments!
Miranda’s Peek-a-Boob with her Neighbour
A classic Miranda moment if ever there was one. Miranda built up a bit of a sexual tet-a-tet with a hot neighbour who lived opposite her. Basically they flash each other across the street, to some sexy sax music and Miranda even showed her BOOB! Then she bumps into him in the supermarket and she introduces herself, then he goes “Oh, you’re the chick who lives above that guy I’ve been cruising.” She runs away without even buying cat food. Oh Miranda.
I DON’T WANNA DO THAT
Miranda and rimming. Yes, they go there. For the record, Miranda, if you’re reading this (we know she’s a fictional character but just humour us), we would TOTALLY have rimmed that guy. He had a great arse. Anyway, to her credit, he doesn’t actually ask her, he just shoves it in her face halfway through sex and she screams “I DON’T WANNA DO THAT”, then tries to cover it up by giving him such a fastidious massage that we’re surprised she didn’t break his back. Oh Miranda.
Dirty Talkin’
On the advice of the gals (mainly Samantha, obvs), Miranda tries out a bit of dirty talk in the bedroom with her latest sexual tryst. But she gets carried away and it all gets a bit weird. She ends up saying shit like “A BIG. HARD. ROCK.” And then she sort of screeches “A SAUSAGE!” She then finds out he’s cheating on her by having phone sex with other people. Sad.
Choking on her Chinese Dinner
Miranda gets to live every single person’s nightmare death scenario; choking on food alone in her new giant flat and dying without anyone to find them for weeks. Thankfully, she manages to Heimlich herself on a box of shit she’s moving into her apartment, but it shakes her up enough to start overfeeding the cat, just in case it eats her corpse’s face. Cats really are nasty little fuckers aren’t they?
Bra Shopping with Lucille
We talked about it last week, but it needs to be mentioned again purely for the line “I’M NOT BEING FRESH, DEAR, I THINK I KNOW WHAT’S BEST” and Miranda asking Lucille to take her hands off her tits.
Hiding under the bed from Debbie
So Miranda’s just hanging out, doing her own thing, having a chat with Magda, watching Jules and Mimi, y’know. Then Steve and his girlfriend Debbie just SHOW UP out of NOWHERE! So, naturally, instead of saying hi to them and being a normal person, Miranda hides under the bed. It’s quite a low bed, so she has to pull herself under it and it’s hilarious. She sees Debbie’s feet and has to throw a baby toy out for her to pick up. We like it when she’s bitching about her to the gals later on and she says she’s only seen her shoes and nails and they’re “both acrylic.” Miranda shade is the best kind of shade.
The OverEater that Over Ate Her
BON APPETIT!
When They Try on the Wedding Dresses and Carrie Freaks out
Ohhhh my god, talk about an overreaction. Carrie’s doomed wedding to Aiden is on the horizon, so Miranda cajoles her into trying on dresses at a naff bridal shop. So far, so fun. Of course after they’ve lied their way into the fitting rooms, Carrie decides she’s running low on PURE DRAMA and starts to have some kind of bitch fit while Miranda’s chuckling away. Carrie then makes a PREGNANT WOMAN tear her out of a buttoned corset. Miranda’s face is actually pretty hilarious, like when something serious happens but you can’t stop laughing at it because it’s so insane. Then Carrie breaks out in hives and they have to BUY the dress and stuff it in a dumpster behind Tasti D-Lite.
Jules and Mimi
Miranda gets of obsessed with a VERY BBC-esque, VERY naff British romantic drama called “Jules & Mimi” about a relationship between a black man and a white woman. With Sex & The City’s usual flair for subtlety , it reflects a relationship Miranda herself is having with a black guy. When the very handsome Robert comes over to visit just as Jules & Mimi start banging on TV, Miranda gets all embarrassed and turns it off. Oh Miranda!
THE BRACES
Miranda is a tongue-thruster. Yet another high-brow, important, feminist storyline for Sex & The City. This whole episode was so weird. Carrie played Twister with Bono, for Christ’s sake. Samantha had to deal with three fourteen-year-old sluts (refer to QX issue 1116) and Miranda went on a date with an actually really cute guy, then got spinach stuck in her teeth. DISASTER. In the end she got the braces taken off because she felt ugly. So, the feminist lesson is; if something is good for your health but makes you look ugly, get rid of it immediately, because being hot matters more. υ
Get off my STOOP.
Technically it’s Carrie’s moment, but we fucking HATE Carrie and she will never have her own ‘moments’ list so we’re including it. It’s actually quite a sweet moment as two old friends confide in each other about their anxieties and observe passersby on a night out (“Three dates, dinner and a movie” “Yeah, I hate them”). It sort of makes their friendship that bit more realistic, since most of the time we can’t understand why ANY of those woman hang out with Carrie. We love Miranda’s blunt admission that she got bored babysitting and let her niece fall on her head (something we’d probably do too) and Carrie’s delivery of “gedd… off…. my…. STOOP!”. Oh and this is the episode where Carrie gets DRUNK AT VOGUE, so that’s a happy memory too. “I spilled…”
“Tit Soup”
This is Miranda’s description of the pool at the Playboy mansion. We have tried to shoehorn this term into every single conversation since. “What do you fancy for lunch?” TIT SOUP!
There’s Something about Randy
Miranda and Carrie attend a “workshop” in someone’s flat where some old hag jerks off her elderly husband. Who then promptly blows his egg mayo load over Miranda’s hair. Oh, babe, we’ve been there. Seriously. It happened in a bedsit in Whitechapel on Sunday morning around 6:55am. Just remember to rinse it out before you get on the Overground otherwise you’ll get some looks.
The Sexual Sandwich
More quality storylines for Miranda. SIGH. She starts being harassed by a man dressed in a giant sandwich outfit shouting “eat me!” at people. Then she starts thinking on it and the idea of slipping between those buns starts buttering her up a little (see Carrie? Anybody could write your fucking column. ANYBODY.) She even goes so far as to demand that the sandwich man takes off his mask, which he does to reveal a reasonably cute dude beneath. But Miranda changes her mind; she just wanted that baguette up her bap. We get it, love, it’s like the Stormtroopers; once the mask is off, it’s just not sexy anymore.
Sex in the Alleyway
To paraphrase Lucille Bluth, we don’t care for Job. Okay, we do. We love Arrested Development, so it was nice to see Will Arnett pop up on SATC. But surprise, because Miranda decides to go out with him, he had to be defective in some way, and that deficiency involved loudly shooting his squirtle into Miranda as his shocked parents looked on in horror. Arrested development indeed.
Down the Shitter
Ugh, this was foul. She’s dating this “cartoonist’ that looks like a potato in a pair of spectacles who decides to TAKE A FUCKING SHIT WITH THE DOOR WIDE OPEN. In her house. With a cat in the room with him. Repugnant. To make matters worse, it’s not even a quiet unloading into the bay. He’s shooting turd torpedoes out of his browned blowhole and it’s echoing around the room. Vile. See a doctor, you pig. Miranda isn’t about to let that stink invade her apartment, so she slams the door on him and his dirty dumps for GOOD.
ASSHOLE.
It was another utterly ridiculous plotline, this time about Miranda going on a date with some guy Carrie previously dated and whom she claims is an ‘asshole’. That she met at her own previous date’s funeral. Jesus. Anyway, to prove her wrong about the guy being s shitty sphincter, Miranda invites Carrie on their date and all hell breaks loose. As it turns out, the guy IS an asshole (and Carrie is still a twit, but that’s neither here nor there) and starts laying into everybody in sight. It’s all worth it though just to see Miranda scream “because you’re an ASSHOLE!!!!!” in the middle of a quiet restaurant. You tell ‘em babe, don’t take that shit!
Detective Stevens
Ever got yourself too pissed on a date? Yes you bloody well have, stop lying to us. In this instalment in the Humiliations of Ms. Hobbes series, Miranda gets taken out by a FUCKING FIT policeman. Of course everyone in the restaurant is watching them thinking MIS-MATCH, so Red decides to hit the bottle hard to stave off insecurity. Just like all of you though, she gets herself totally leathered, whips him with his own belt and declares that she’s “no Mena Suvari” (what?!!?) but she’s great in bed. She then wakes up twelve hours later to an empty bed, a new Alice Cooper-inspired makeup look and a monster hangover.
Oh, and a note from her date telling her she’s a wino and needs to get. The. HELP. I mean that’s a typical Saturday morning for a QX Staffer, really. Oh Miranda, you truly are one of us!
Carrie did not play Twister with Bono. It was Bon Jovi! A big WHOOPS!