Millennials get A LOT of hate. In fact, being a millennial is actually very dangerous in this day and age. If the rent hikes, STIs or terrorists don’t get us, then the Huffington Post will.
But it’s not all doom and gloom. Being a millennial is great.
We’re arseholes basically and, as everyone knows, being an arsehole (or being IN an arsehole) is a right laugh!
The downside, of course, is that everyone hates us. They pretend to hate us because we’re privileged and spoiled, but actually they hate us because we’re AMAZING AND POPULAR, and they’re all sad old losers! Ha!
Although, despite our amazing and somehow infallible confidence and lustre, being a millennial is hard. Especially in London. So here’s the QX GUIDE to surviving in London as a millennial.
1. Don’t Pick Up The Phone
You know he’s only calling cuz he’s drunk and alone!
2. DON’T get a job in fashion PR
It’s awful. Really, really awful. It pays nothing and you’ll have to run errands for a girl named Tabitha who thinks she’s your senior because she’s six months older than you and was the first person to predict Moschino’s flame-print trend.
3. Don’t write a thinkpiece about millenials, or being a millennial
People will accuse you of being self-centred and not caring about the WIDER ISSUES. That’s another thing about being millennial, people are perfectly happy to go on about how we don’t speak out, but the instant we DO, they tell us to shut up.
4. Do drag
A relatively easy way of getting attention and money.
5. Accept that you will never own a property
Let’s face it, that dream’s been dead for years. The only way it will happen is if you WIN THE LOTTERY, or if a rich man – or woman or gender non-binary person – buys one for you.
6. Don’t be afraid to sell yourself
In any and every way, as long as you’re comfortable with it. This is 2018!
7. Go for brunch
It’s time to accept that everyone goes for brunch! It’s a cunty, but essential part of being a millennial. Bloody marys in jars, smashed avocado, the whole shebang.
8. Don’t go to Ibiza
It’s crap and overpriced.
9. Go to saunas
They’re back and they’re HOT! TSSSSSS!
10. Don’t overthink how much you like avocado
Look, if you like it, you like it. What-fucking-ever.
SO. That’s that. Take note, and be careful of avocado-related injuries!
