UGH. October was Halloween, December’s going to be Christmas, but for now we’re stuck in boring ‘ol November.
The most fun thing about this month, gay fires (also known as fireworks), are already over. So what the HELL are we suppose to do with the rest of November? Well calm down Debra (Messing?), let us tell you, alright?
Jump in leaves
If you’re someone who thinks your life would make an amazing rom-com, and you’re definitely the Carrie of your friendship group, then this is the activity for you! You’ll be walking your French bulldog in Hyde Park when an attractive pile of crinkly brown leaves takes your fancy, and you’ll give in to your childish whims. Just as you’re living your best life, a handsome American stranger who’s walking his grey hound spots you, and stands and admires your whimsy. Your eyes meet, and you blush. Jump-cut to two months later and you’re married. Sure, low paid workers have worked hard all day to get those leaves in a neat pile, but you do you hun.
Getting angry at Christmas stuff
This is right up there with other British pass-times, somewhere between complaining about the weather and queuing. “Halloween was YESTERDAY and TODAY they’ve got their Christmas stock up!??!”. GET A LIFE MAN. It does get daunting knowing you have two month of listening to Jingle Bells ahead of you, but indulge in getting angry at it. Get so sick of Christmas that on the day itself, it’s just a 24 hour cut of that Family Guy vomit scene. The absolute best part of this national pass-time is calling up your mum and get an hour of her bitching about the neighbours:
“Oh, Wilma next door already has the tree and the lights up? The dirty slag.”
“I had a card off Judith in the post this morning, with the ugly baby Jesus on it, the stupid cow.”
Shop for that winter outfit
The furs, the gilets, the snoods. It’s getting colder which means you’re gonna need to keep warm, keeping warm means more clothes, more clothes means more FASHIONS. That’s just science, betch. It’ll soon be time to ditch those autumn colours and go full Tilda Swinton winter witch realness. Will you be going more hunting lodge chic, or Nordic sophistication? LIES. We know most of your budget will be going on cute going out outfits, and the rest of the time you’ll just be sporting that familiar combo of white trainers, skinny jeans and an ironic jumper. We know you, gays. We know you well.
Get a boyfriend
Just before you completely disregard this one, HEAR US OUT. Having a boyfriend can be fun. Well, fun now it’s almost winter and there’s less fun to be had. You can have him come with you to stuff no-one else wants to, he can be comfy to lie on when you’re binge watching Sabrina. That’s about it really. It could mean deleting all those dating app, and getting to watch less porn, but that’s a sacrifice you’re going to have to make. Be sure you don’t introduce him to any relatives though, just like the snow he’s going to have to melt away in March so you can get ready for your whoring next summer.
Try a new Nigella recipe
She’s the culinary sex-goddess you were always strangely drawn to despite being a gold-star homosexual. You’ve now grown tired of ready-meals so you’re going to try your hand at some cooking, how bad could it be? If you don’t have a pantry that has every single species of parsley like Nigella, then this one requires a trip to the shops to pick up some stuff you’ll probably never use again. It could also take up a bunch of your time, which could be better spent tracking down that boyfriend we mentioned before…
Give up on said Nigella recipe
Life’s too short and Li Wei always gives you an extra dumpling, so fuck it. Chinese takeout it is. We’re sorry Nigella, but the kitchen of a tiny ex-council isn’t the best place to be feeling our best gourmet self. We also don’t have two tidy spousal maintenance payment coming in form filthy rich exes every month, not that we wouldn’t LOVE to. All we have is Li Wei and his extra dumpling.
Develop a new fetish
You may have though that you’re just into plain, old-fashioned sex, but that’s because it’s all you’ve tried. Spending all this time indoors means that you could develop a very niche fetish to indulge in. We’re not sure what inspires an incredibly specific fetish, but we’re guessing that boring November afternoons has something to do with it… How about getting really into vacuum dust? Or maybe some light edible bondage using strawberry laces? There are hundreds of options out there, but here are a few suggestions:
Agalmatophilia – Arousal to statues. Putting the ‘mate’ into inanimate.
Xylophilia – Arousal to wood. Truly no pun intended.
Stygiophilia – Arousal to the thought of hellfire and damnation. Get on this now, enjoy it in the afterlife.
Psychrophilia – Arousal to being cold and watching others who are cold. You may as well enjoy it.
Nasolingus – Arousal to sucking on a person’s nose. Cold weather makes this one extra interesting.
