We’re all guilty of it. Leaving the club and needing something in your mouth asap, and since the guy you were staring at all night long got off with your friend, you have to make do with some junk food.
After a heavy night of slut-dropping and throwing back those tequilas, you haven’t managed to get yourself a man for the night, and you’re basically a food-seeking missile ready to destroy some GODDAMN FOOD.
The great thing about London is that you’re never too far from some crap food, and there’s so much to chose from – even if it’s 3am and you’re walking like baby Bambi after popping a Valium. So we’re rounding up on what we can probably tell about you, based purely on your go-to drunk food. HERE WE GO.
The Doner Kebab
In short, you’re a dirty hoe. The kebab is the messiest of all the drunk foods and you just love shoving your entire face in it. You know you wouldn’t be allowed to scoff it down in the back of an Uber so you grab one after the ride home, and make sure you’re behind closed doors before devouring it on the living room floor. You’re also probably a Top since shoving your face in tasty crannies is a go to for you…
The BigMac
You’re so into this mass produced crap. This is the kind of gay is likely to have a fan account stanning Britney or Gaga. You know it’s bad, you know it’s all fake crap but you just can’t stop listening/eating. There’s one joint that gays know better than any other fast food establishment. Head over to the golden archest glowing near Charring Cross station on a Saturday night and you’re sure to see a line of homosexual. They queue for it like they’re trying to get into a swanky new Mayfair club. Just no. If the kebab gays are tops, these are their bottoms. Two lovely seeded buns, and adequate sized meat.
Chip Shop Chips
This is most definitely not your first time at the rodeo. This is probably up there in the 100s of nights out you’ve had. You’ve probably been going out since Cyndi Lauper was topping the charts. You’re not one for the big clubs anymore, and a few pints down at the pub is where you send your Saturday nights. Tonight you’re throwing your cholesterol to the wind and chowing down on some greasy chippies, with some curry sauce if you’re feeling extra naughty. You’ve been trying to get rid of that beer belly, but for tonight you’re eating like you’ve got your 21-year-old metabolism again.
Pizza
Right, all you pizza gays out there. We love you. You’re never one to half-arse anything, going full 15 inch pepperoni after one too many vodka cokes. Did someone say Garlic and Herb Dip? Yes god. This gay loves a ritual, and rarely finds himself eating alone. The pizza gays always get lucky, and so that’s why their trash food of choice is one that’s easily shared. He’ll probably put on a 70’s cult classic while your eating, and then you get down for some bloated, gross, sweaty sex that is the best you’ve had in a while.
Cereal
If this is you, you need an intervention. You don’t have supportive friends that love you, so you ned to find yourself some stable people to be in your life. If you’ve made the entire journey home without so much as being tempted to walk into a junk food chain then there’s something going on with you. It isn’t until you get into your pyjamas (another mark of a troubled mind, who wears pyjamas), and slip on those slippers that you think “oh, maybe I’ll have something before bed”. NO. This is not how we do this. You should be waking up the next morning stark naked on the kitchen floor, half way through a box of friend chicken. Speaking of…
Fried Chicken
Yes, fried chicken gays. We love you too. You’ve failed in your attempt to get yourself a man, but you’ll still spent the night sucking on bones. You pre-drank most of that litre of vodka, and after a few shots at the club you’re almost out for the count. ALMOST. But not before you grab yourself a big ‘ol bag of fried fucking chicken. You’re more one for an alternative night out, and not your bog-standard gay night club. You like the way the crispy coating feels against your septum piercing. There are plenty of joints to chose from because you live either down South, or over in the East, but you have your fave place because Asim always gives you that extra piece for free. He’s a true ally.
Carrot Sticks and Hummus
Sorry, just no. Leave. Don’t bother grabbing your coat. Just leave. We never want to see you again.
