Every year, we do the QX Shitshow Awards! They’re EXACTLY like the Attitude Awards, except that no-one comes.
There’s no actual awards ceremony, it’s basically just us sat at a desk hungover deciding who gets what. HASHTAG, JOURNALISM. This year, the awards are bigger and glitzier than ever, with a sparkling roster of tastemakers, drag pioneers, academia juggernauts and absolutely no influencers, from across London’s LGBTQ scene.
So here they are, the QX Shitshow Awards!
Best Song: LeFil – 24/7 (Main Image)
A gorgeous, bouncy electro number, featuring everyone’s favourite whip-haired living art installation Le Fil stalking their way through Soho in a leather policeman’s hat. How avant-garde!
Best Insta Story: Dani St James
If you’re unaware, here’s what happened in a nutshell – she went to her high school reunion, pulled her high school bully and filmed the whole thing. He was fully aware, btw. It. Was. Major.
Best Food: Chinese crispy duck with the pancakes and the hoisin sauce and the spring onions. Mmm mmm MMM!
Best Film: The Meg (2018)
A giant shark, a ridiculous plot, Jason Statham with no shirt…it’s got it all! It got terrible reviews, but don’t listen to writers, they know nothing.
Best Tweet: None of them.
You’re all full of crap.
Best Saying: “She’s all fur coat and no knickers!”
It’s a great saying.
Best Glam Thing: The Attitude Awards
They’re glam, unlike us. Our idea of “glam” is drinking a Peroni instead of a Heineken.
Best Unesco World Heritage Site: Victoria Beckham
Yes, as well as being the world’s best singer, fashion designer and singer, Victoria Beckham is in fact a Unesco World Heritage Site. She’s also Intergalactic Ambassador For Peace, Leader Of The Wood Elves and Winner of The Little Winkling West Yorkshire Best Aubergine Contest, September 1956.
Best Celebrity: Azaelia Banks
She got trapped in Elon Musk’s house for three days, got death threats from Lana Del Rey and posted one of her fans’ hole pics after he used her special bumhole soap, with the caption “another satisfied customer!” And that was just October.
Best Carbohydrate: Jacqui Potato
She’s fresh from the oven and full of beans, it’s Jacqui Potato!
Best Meltdown: Stella Meltdown
When she’d had a few too many sherries in the smoking area of a certain establishment and started crawling around and pawing at people and mewling. Just nuts.
Best Place: The Pergola
We’ve talked about it before, but guess what, we’re gonna talk about it again because we’ve decided it’s the best place in the world. It’s a beautiful stone walkway up on Hampstead Heath, perfect for a Game Of Thrones-esque arm-in-arm stroll and bitch sesh.
Hottest Person: Idris Elba
Unquestionably! He’s got it all – the voice, the eyes, the attitude, the chat. We love anyone who’s got the chat. In fact, it’s the most important thing.
Best Tube Line: The Victoria Line
This has been a BONE of contention ever since we did our “what’s the best tube line?” feature which, inexplicably, was won by the Bakerloo Line. WRONG. Victoria’s the best. She can get you from a club night in Vauxhall to a warehouse after party in Seven Sisters, in under half an hour. She really is that bitch.
Most Annoying Thing In The World: People who don’t have their oyster/contactless ready when they get to tube barriers.
They get there and then it suddenly occurs to them “oh! I need to get my card out!” HAVE YOUR CARD READY. It shows an inherent lack of consideration for others, and also a lack of understanding about the world around them. They probably all voted Brexit.
Most Heartwarming Quote: Princess Julia
When Jonny Woo handed her the mic to kick off the Unroyal Variety Show, she said “I’m just so happy that we’re all here for the sesh.” Aaaw!
Best Drink: Beer
It is though isn’t it. It’s cheap, it makes you nice drunk (not sad drunk or mad drunk) and it lasts a long time. BEEEEER.
Best Drag Name: Pam Sandwich
HAHHAHAHHA.
Best Book: Clean – Juna Dawson
A deliciously debauched tale of socialites and salaciousness, with generous glob of glossy tongue-in- cheek. Gossip Girl meets Girl Interrupted!
Best Soup: An Eastern European One That A One Night Stand Made Us
He was Estonian, and made a lovely broccoli and cheese soup in the morning – apparently it’s Eastern European. It was basically just melted cheese, cream, and broccoli blended
together with paprika. Delish.
Best Politician: Emily Thornberry
Well there we are.
Best Retro TV Scene: Lexie Featherstone Falling Out Of The Window In Sex & The City
Yes, like it or not, SATC is retro now – it’s 20 years old! The scene involving notorious partygirl Lexi Featherstone, played with huskily disruptive aplomb by Kristen Johnston – is one of the most memorable and shocking in television history. “God, I’m so bored I could die” *FALLS OUT OF WINDOW*
Worst Saying: Worst Saying
Ryan John Butcher has started using it and we hate
it. Shut up, Ryan John Butcher.
Best Businesswoman: Charlie Craggs
Her “Nail Transphobia” initiative is absolute genius and is doing so much helpful stuff for cis people’s understanding of trans people. Look ‘em up if you haven’t already!
Best TV Show: Killing Eve
Thrilling, dramatic, funny, camp, scary – it’s got it all!
Best Bingo Call: “67 – the amount of fake names Amanda Freeman’s given at Mortimer Market Centre!”
Uttered by John Sizzle on the bingo boat party. Wonderful stuff.
Best Chair: The one in Will’s flat that spins
It’s like, a lovely plush round spinning armchair. Great for sinking into at 5am. We haven’t got a picture of it so we just used a Clipart image of a chair. Also a lot of you don’t know who Will is and have never been to his flat. Oh well.
Best Twig: Cassandra
She found a lovely one on Hampstead Heath,
well done Cassandra!
