By Ifan Llewelyn
Take a stumble down Old Compton Street and you might have noticed that among those young queers there seems to be a uniform emerging. You see them handing out wristbands outside of G-A-Y, you see them two-stepping and sipping on vodka sodas on the dancefloor, you see them dropping it like it’s damn HOT. If you’re looking to keep up, you’re going to need to look the part. We bring you the seven items that every one of those queers has in their wardrobe:
The Stupid Jacket
It’s ugly and that’s kind of the point. This jacket can be any combination of the following: fur, sequin, feathers, metallics, hieroglyphics, neon colours, neon lights, vintage billboards, your grandmother’s knitting, teeth, chicken bones and denim. Usually worn while queueing up for ‘da club or at pride with nothing underneath.
The Mesh Top
This one we’re NOT complaining about. Whether it’s for a Fosse dance routine or a hardcore rave, mesh is always a good choice. Even if the January gym routine isn’t working out, mesh somehow always look good. If seen paired with a choker, you know they’re into some freaky stuff… be prepared to be strapped into something if you’re going home with them.
The Ugly White Trainer
First come the teenage girls with that groovy chick Balenciaga aesthetic, then come the grown gay men. This is another one of those clothing items where the uglier the better. It needs to look like you’ve just shoved your feet into mountains of melted white marshmallows. If seen worn on a night out and they’re still bright white, head for the damn hills because clean white trainers are a clear sign of a psychopath.
The Bad Slogan Tee
Don’t get us wrong. We LOVE these. But as a society maybe there’s a line somewhere. Walking around with “Eat Me, Daddy” written on your chest maybe isn’t sending out the best message. You’ll be tagged wearing it on Facebook and your aunty Jean is going to comment asking what it’s all about. There’s no easy way to explain to Jean that it’s to let boys on a night out know that you liked to be choked in bed.
The Way Too Skinny Jeans
A classic. A wardrobe staple. Worn by at least half of London on the daily. When done right, they’re that nice mix of smart casual. When done wrong, DEAR LORD. We don’t need to see your genitalia monster-mashed up the middle, it just looks like you’re smuggling eclairs in your undies. PLUS most of them constrict your bouncing booty, leaving your buns strapped down like vacuum packed cushions.
The ‘I’m So Sophisticated’ Turtle Neck
We know you’re only wearing it because of your hickey. There’s no shame, wear your vampire mark with pride.
BONUS WARDROBE ITEM:
The ‘My Ass Looks Good in These’ Checked Trousers
There’s a reason tailored trousers have stuck around for so long. They’ve perfected a way in which to make your booty look bouncin’. Most of us have that ONE pair that has your ass looking so good that Luca Guadagnino is begging to cast you as the peach in the Call Me By Your Name sequel. Have your way with it, Timothée Chalamet. The trousers might look a little too smart to be worn on a wild night out, but TRUST us. A good pair of these and you’re having yourself a free night on the town, including a complimentary taxi home courtesy of a handsome Italian.
