This week we let Jason Reid polish the QX crystal ball (we keep it next to our shrine of Danny La Rue in QX Towers) and have a peer into the future to see what this year holds for our beloved cabaret queens and drag divas. Hold tight, just for shits and giggles, here are his predictions for 2015…
Rose Garden’s infamous hoop will take a severe battering this year (‘what’s new?’ I hear you all scream). Thankfully though, after 75 years of use, it’s tougher than old leather and will bounce back to its supple self almost instantaneously. Phew!
Meth will smile in December. Try not to blink though or you’ll miss this momentous event.
Hurricane Hyde (Tanya Hyde to her friends) will be downgraded to a gentle breeze or a feeble fanny fart by the time Spring rears its cheery head. I still wouldn’t advise giving her any side-eye after she’s had a skinful though, not unless you want her to wear your testicles as earrings.
Kelly Wilde won’t sing ‘Gloria’ this year. Not once. Nope… Who am I kidding? Of course she bloody will. And we’ll all dance ‘round our Primark handbags to it as usual – like Essex girls high on their own lacquer fumes.
In June, Bette Rinse will go a whole sentence without saying dear, dear.
A lifelong dream will finally come true for ‘voice of a thousand fags’ Mrs Moore this autumn when she’s asked to be the face of Lambert & Butler. Three cheers… Cough, cough, splutter, for her!
Known for her maternal instincts, Willam will become a nanny in February. Alfie Ordinary, the first child she’ll look after, will have Childline on speed dial by March.
David Hoyle will continue to be the DON of all things avant-garde. That’s it. Not everything in life has to have a punchline you know.
After years of evading immigration officials, that knock on the door Son Of a Tutu has been dreading will come in April. When she pulls back the net curtain it’ll be much worse than she anticipated when she sees a grinning Nigel Farage wielding a big net, canvassing for General Election votes. LOCK THAT DOOR TIGHT GIRL!
Holestar will continue to remind those that think their shit don’t stink that they’re not the ‘Queen of Fucking Everything’. YouTube it, strut around your flat to it and enjoy it!
Leaving on a jet plane, but not Malaysia Airways, Pam Ann doesn’t just have enough material for the year ahead now, she has enough for the rest of the bloody decade.
Not content with being a Drag Idol winner, Britain’s Got Talent semi-finalist, currently bidding for this year’s Eurovision and forever flanked by a troupe of semi-naked dancing boys, La Voix will also release her own range of red curly wigs and a line of monogrammed frocks this Summer.
