Well wouldn’t you just know it? The inimitable head honcho of XXL, Mr Mark Ames (seen here in his saucy holiday snaps), is having a birthday! How old, you ask? HOW RUDE. He’s obviously not a day over 32. Don’t believe us? Well then you better nip down to XXL on Saturday March 19th and ask him yourself, you cheeky sod.
But before you do, why not pick him up a prezzie to help him celebrate? We’ve compiled the ultimate ursine gift guide to help you pick out something for him, or for the other big boys in your life.
BEER BARREL
Ever been drinking with a bear? They can put it away like nobody’s business. Instead of offering to buy them a birthday bevvie in a bar, cut out the middleman and buy them a barrel of the stuff. I mean, seeing them hoist it above their head and guzzle from it as beer courses down their strong, thick body is definitely going to be worth it for everyone involved.
FREEMASONS REMIX ALBUM
Kylie! Kelly! Madge! Hands in the air! WAIT FOR THE DROP! Bears love a pop remix and they can bloody MOVE to them as well. Don’t ever challenge one to a dance-off unless you’re capable of going up against a 6’4 lumberjack who can body pop like Janet Jackson on speed. Keep the bears in your life dance floor-ready with an album of bona-fide BANGERS.
BEARD BRUSH
Perfect for keeping the discerning ursine’s fine face-full of fur in sensually strokeable condition.
BODY BRUSH
Perfect for keeping a big, broad barrel chest of thick fur in strokeable, lickable, delectable condition… Excuse us while we, um, nip to the bathroom.
RUGBY KIT
Let’s be honest, there are few sights sexier than a bear in a Kings Cross Steelers strip, are there? This one’s a treat for them AND for you.
BEARD THICKENING SHAMPOO & CONDITIONER
Keep that beard looking as full and luxurious as possible with a good deep clean! Don’t forget to condition it too. A scraggly beard is an evil beard. You’re going for Baloo, not the Bad News Bears.
HONEY
Ahhh honey. It’s a wonderful natural antiseptic, great for sweetening your tea without sugar. You’ve got to watch your cholesterol, boys! Plus, if Winnie the Pooh is anything to go by, it’s about addictive as crack.
PLAID
You can’t go wrong with a good checked shirt, now can you? Instant boner-inducing Canadian logger vibes. Ain’t nothing wrong with that.
XXL MEMBERSHIP
WELL. OBVIOUSLY. Though Mark possibly has one of these already…
• XXL is at Pulse Nightclub, 1 Invicta Plaza, SE1 9UF. 10pm – 6am. £15 entry, £8 for members.
