A few weeks ago, in one of our most insane and abstract editorial decisions ever, we wrote a feature on the best peripheral characters in Sex & The City! And guess what…EVERYONE LOVED IT! And by “everyone loved it” we mean we saw a man in Bloc Bar put his pint down on it. If that’s not an endorsement, we don’t know what is!
Anyway, because it was such an unmitigated success (someone also commented “lol” on it on our Facebook page!) we’ve decided to do a part two! Or, as Carrie would say in Paris, part deux! She also said “bone-jower” (her version of “bonjour” one assumes), then fell over in Dior. I FELL. IN DIOR.
So here it is, another selection of the salacious satire’s most memorable minor characters. They’re mostly dysfunctional sluts, which of course we love because we are also dysfunctional sluts.
Claire Ann
Do you like spunky women? Claire-Ann certainly does, as she proudly informs Samantha after they engage in a tug-of-war over a pashmina in Barney’s, ending with Samantha threatening to Jackie Chan the fuck out of C-Ann. Claire Ann is a big Southern broad with no shame and for a hot minute Samantha feels like she’s found her soulmate. Somebody who won’t recoil in horror every time she wants to talk about the taste of her fella’s jizz or try pegging! But, as it turns out, even Samantha has a limit and that limit is a public beej under the dinner table. As Claire-Ann chows down on toyboy cock in the middle of a restaurant, Samantha grabs her purse, climbs over the swaying table and gets up outta there, ignoring Claire Ann’s muffled calls for her to wait. Honestly, Claire, talking with a mouthful of dick? No CLASS!
Sarah Michelle Gellar’s crap cameo
We covered Geri Halliwell’s crap cameo in part 1, so now it’s time for Sarah Michelle Gellar’s. Now, it wasn’t as crap as Geri Halliwell’s. Nothing is or will ever be as crap as Geri Halliwell’s. But SMG’s gave it a run for its money. Not for bad acting (although there was bad acting), but more for just forgettability. We can’t even remember what it was. It was in those two LA episodes that also had Matthew McConaughay (who, for the record, we HATE). SMG played a…script commissioner? Production manager? Or something? Like, really, who cares. The only good thing about those two episodes was Mr Dildo.
Maria
Maria played Samantha’s firey Latina girlfriend! Now, considering it was mostly written and produced by gay men, Sex & The City actually got a lot of things woefully wrong in the LGBT department. Like, its portrayal of the gay community was, erm, questionable. The only two significant gay characters were bitter queens who ended up marrying each other, presumably because they couldn’t find anyone else. And that episode where Carrie snogs Alanis Morrissette then has an existential crisis, all whilst wearing a ridiculous leather dress with a white carnation on it. Please. But Samantha’s storyline with Maria was lovely. It was her first proper intimate relationship on the show, and it sort of made total sense that the only person capable of taming Samantha would be another woman. BUT IT ALL ENDED IN TEARS. Maria twirling around Samantha’s kitchen smashing plates. “You want fireworks?! BAH-BING! And another little firework? BADA-BING!”
Laney Berlin
We’ve all got that one girlfriend haven’t we? The one who you let out of your sight for two seconds, and before you know it she’s against a wall breaking an ecstasy pill in half with one hand and tossing off Jamie from Made In Chelsea with the other. Well Laney was the Sex & The City version of that. Boobs and beer! Cowboy hats and cocaine! She randomly stands up on a coffee table and says “WHO WANTS TO SEE MY TITS?” She does this whilst pregnant and drunk. Sensational.
Magda
Magda is fab, she’s one of the only people who stood up to Miranda’s abject insanity. When she first pops up, it becomes clear she hasn’t come to play, as she hides Miranda’s vibrator and tells her to get in the fucking kitchen and bake some pies to catch a man. Miranda is having NONE of this because as far she’s concerned the only pie she’s interested in is cream. Not even a statue of the Virgin Mary can sway her on that. After that, an uneasy truce is forged and Magda eventually grows to become part of the strange Brady-Hobbes family. So much so that she actually has more maternal feelings over Miranda’s child than Miranda does. Our favourite bit though is when she catches Ms Hobbes selflessly giving Steve’s stroke-addled mother a bath, later declaring that Miranda is capable of selfless love. Miranda’s okay with that, as long as they don’t tell Steve.
Oh, here’s a picture of Magda in Hunger Games. Just Because.
Jenny Brier and her pals
OOOH these three were right ones weren’t they! Remember when Samantha gets hired to organize an event for a 13 year old girl and gets all jealous of her because she HAS IT ALL at the age of 13. Well that 13 year old is played by none other than Kat Dennings, in the first role of an illustrious career (well, not that illustrious, we’re getting carried away). She arrives at a restaurant with two slaggy little pals in tow, who flip their hair and flip their flip phones, and make quips about sucking off the Backstreet Boys. “I’d fuck them. I’d fuck them AND their gay boyfriends.” Jesus CHRIST Sex & The City was a ratchet mess wasn’t it.
Bitzy Von Muffling
Bitzy is the fiancée of notorious homosexual Bobby Fine. Bitzy is also a biological woman, which gives Carrie all kinds of things to whine about at length in her stupid column, including some bizarre obsession with the term ‘zsa-zsa-zsu’. Clearly she doesn’t disapprove of the union enough to turn down a ticket to their lavish wedding in the Hamptons though. Mainly because she is a selfish little cunt and GOD we HATE Carrie. But anyway, Bitzy gets married to Bobby in a wonderfully camp ceremony and then later pops up to tell Charlotte about how she managed to get pregnant at age sixty. In-vitro fertilization, of course.
Lucille
Remember when Miranda’s mom died, so she has to go to Philadelphia while Samantha’s busy searching New York high and low for her lost orgasm? And how Carrie somehow makes Miranda’s mother dying ALL ABOUT HER??? You do? Oh good. Well we’re talking about that episode. Anyway, there’s that bit where Miranda’s trying to pick out a new bra in a Philly JC Penney, when a rather corpulent lady named Lucille busts into her dressing room and tries size up her tits. Miranda is a hands-off, Type A-type lady, so this goes down like a fart in a hot car. She tells her to get her fucking hands out of her boulder holder, to which Lucille replies “I’M NOT BEING FRESH DEAR, I think I know what’s best”. Then Miranda goes into meltdown over her dead mom and they have a lovely hug while Lucille adjusts Randy’s bra straps.
We found this picture of Lucille on Google. We’re not sure what’s happening either.
