Brighton Pride MUSTS

Here’s what you must do at Brighton Pride! We’re going, and you’re coming with us.


 

Let’s just be clear on this, this year’s Brighton Pride is going to be FUCKING AMAZING! You’re going to really, really, really, like it. It’s going to be hotter than hell. It’ll make you want to play that sax! There’s some little music line-up clues for you. Really crap aren’t they. Moving on swiftly…

The weekend of the 5th – 7th, has FUN, SEX and GAY written indelibly through it like a particularly thick and sticky stick of Brighton Rock! Personally, we’re going to channel Lenora Crichlow’s character in that totes amaze, Brighton-set lesbian sitcom, Sugar Rush! Remember her? She basically spent the whole time applying lip gloss and shagging hot chavs, and funnily enough that’s exactly how we intend to spend our time too.

So, what are YOU gonna do? Because you are going. Like, there’s no two ways about it babes. The tickets are booked. We went on the computer and did it while you were reading the last two paragraphs. So you’re going. SO WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO THERE? Well, luckily for you, we’ve made a list. We love lists, because they’re easy journalism, and we’re mostly drunk while we write stuff, so the easier the better really.

 


Compliment Dua Lipa’s cannabis-print jeggings

She WILL be wearing cannabis print jeggings, and you WILL compliment them. Dua Lipa is a friend to QX, did you know that? We’ve interviewed her twice. We might hang with her in the VIP lounge. Probably not. We’ll probably just yell “Hey Dua! Over here!” and she’ll give an embarrassed, clueless wave, then whisper “Christ, they look wasted” to her PA.

 

Decorate a chintzy hotel room with toilet paper

We’ve stayed in many a chintzy hotel b&b. You know the ones! Avocado bathroom suites. Magnolia flock wallpaper. A tray with a £5 kettle, a few sachets of instant coffee and, if you’re lucky, a couple of Nice biscuits. Well, it all looks much more fun and much less bleak, if you festoon it with toilet paper! It looks like a scatological wonderland. Lovely.

 

Get some fish and chips

And have them with a lip-puckering amount of salt and vinegar. It doesn’t count unless there’s salt and vinegar. You must also throw at least one chip at a seagull whilst screeching “GERRAWAY!”. You must also place a chip on a friend’s shoulder, take a picture, and upload it to social media with the caption “[Insert Name] has got a right chip on his shoulder!”

 

Go to the Sunday Sundae party! 

It’s been a notorious hive of salacious seaside shenanigans for years, and now it’s BACK at iconic venue Patterns for a special rip-roaring Brighton Pride special! It’s got a terrace that overlooks the sea, which you can stumble out on, and, depending on how basic you are, imitate Kate Winslet in Titanic. How originial. Aww. Sunday Sundae starts at 3pm on Sunday 7th August at Patterns.

 

Do the parade

Pride parades are really good! There’s nothing quite like collapsing under a rainbow flag whilst doing poppers to Turn Back Time by Cher (can we openly talk about doing poppers? Yes! They’re legal! Are they? OH who cares. POPPERS POPPERS POPPERS). Anyway parades are lovely, and carry the core of the pride message. Publicly expressing who you are! Hurray!

 

Go to the Brut Party

PHWOAR! This is a London export known for hot, husky, hairy men. Is there anyone who DOESN’T like hot, husky, hairy men? Well, Simon Cowell doesn’t actually, if One Direction’s career trajectory is anything to go by. Hey Simon! Give Sinitta our love. Anyway Brut Brighton Pride starts at 11pm at Concorde 2, on Saturday 6th August.

 

Get drunk and fall asleep on the beach

Actually don’t. It’s inadvisable for various reasons. But it’s a nice idea isn’t it!

 

Go rockpooling

No, it’s not a weird sexual activity you haven’t heard of. It’s actual rockpooling! Like, picking your way amongst barnacle-encrusted rocks with naught but a little plastic bucket and a sense of maritime wanderlust! You might find a crab! You might find an anemone! You find a used condom! Who knows!

 

Go and see Carly Rae Jepsen

The Jepgod is performing at Brighton Pride. Yes. Carly will be in our country. Within our grasp. Let’s not let her leave. Let’s elect her queen. Carly Rae Jepsen, first of her name. Queen of the anals and the fistmen. No, those weren’t typos.

• Well, that’s that! There’s our two cents. Or rather, two pence. OMG the 2p machines! You have to play on the 2p machines. Right, that’s the last one, promise. See ya there!

 For more info, go to brighton-pride.org

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