Clean and Sober in Clubland

Ollywood and Ted Rogers dish the dirt on sobriety and why they are still in clubland…

 


OLY

I’ve never been very good at doing things in moderation. I see my whole life as jumping from one addiction to another. I would always have a bit of anxiety before I would go out and so would use drinks and drugs just to help me relax, but then it grew to the point where I couldn’t have one drink without needing drugs, my body would literally go into withdrawal. The idea of going into any club or bar without drugs terrified me and I became very sneaky and secretive particularly with how much I was using. I justified the intensity of my drug use by comparing it to the people I had surrounded myself with who all behaved similarly, so it felt normal. When I was hosting and promoting club nights more I felt I needed to get wasted and to encourage others to get wasted with me. Drugs were all very accessible, I would make bargains with dealers, like free entry and drink tickets to wherever I would be. I was working sometimes three parties a week and my life just became playing a dangerous game of catch up, getting myself back together again before the next party. It got very boring, every night started being the same, I’d hung out with everyone, I was no longer excited, I was constantly getting ill and I was very miserable. I knew something had to change. It was very much a eureka moment when I decided I needed to live a sober life. I’m now celebrating over seven months clean from drink and drugs.

Getting over the fear of being in a club sober was the hardest part, but once I had done it a few times I was fine. I still get tempted, of course, but I run through what will happen if I give in; one drink will turn into five, I’ll get in touch with a dealer, I’ll want to go to an after-party and I won’t be able to stop. Every time I think about that it puts me right off.

Most of my friends I have met through going out, so that’s still how we socialise. I still like the release of being in a crowded room and feeling the music. But it’s now a very different experience for me. I’m now much more in tune with actually using this time to be with my friends and not to be seen. I’ve always admired the amount of creativity there is especially in the east London club scene which is so inspiring for me. I’ve also found dressing-up occasionally for me has been a great way to distract myself from wanting drink and drugs on a night out and it helps me feel more confident.

“The greatest thing I’ve realised since I’ve gone sober is I no longer care what people think about me.”

A lot of my drug taking came down to the fact that I’m a very shy person but was constantly thrown into extremely social situations and I felt like people expected a lot from me. As a club host and party promotor I felt like I needed to be an entertainer which isn’t natural for me, so I would medicate myself purely to get to the level of numbness where all my inhibitions vanished. The greatest thing I’ve realised since I’ve gone sober is I no longer care what people think about me. I don’t need to be anything other than what I am and I don’t have to entertain anyone. There are times now when I go out and feel awkward and wish I was on the same level as my friends just to relax my nerves and I definitely get bored quickly, but when that happens it’s no problem I just go home. I never get bored of waking up in the morning hangover free.

I now have a smaller group of amazing friends rather than before where I needed to be best friends with you, your mother, your cousin and your cousin’s best friend. Before I knew I had a lot of people around who were just there to get into all the clubs for free and get free drinks and didn’t care about me. People’s reactions have been very telling. It’s amazing how you can think you are connected with someone, then you take away drugs and you realise you have nothing in common. The majority of my friends think what I’m doing is great. Some have found it unsettling, I think because it forces people to examine their own habits and they find it too confronting. I know a lot of people who clearly have addiction problems and you just hope they will realise it before its too late.

I will always love nightlife, since being sober I have a new job in events, which is something I’ve always wanted to do but feared it would be too dangerous because of my addiction. But now I’m able to do the job with professionalism and with no fear. I choose where I go out carefully, I avoid places I know will be dangerous triggers for me. It’s been the greatest decision I’ve ever made so far. I want to carry on living a clean and sober life and I’m really excited about the future.

 


TED

I stopped taking drugs and alcohol near the end of my professional musical theatre training. It had come to a point where I was using drugs just to get through the day. I was spending money that wasn’t mine to spend and didn’t like the person I was becoming and had become. It became clear to me that I was really sick again (I suffer from mental health differences) and I couldn’t see an end other than continued drug use leading towards death. I had resigned myself to this life until a violent situation caused me to get some perspective and seek help. I am now celebrating over two years without drink or drugs.

I never ventured into the clubs I am a part of now when I was using drugs as I was busy hating my sexuality and hiding away from anything remotely celebratory of it. So, for me going to a gay or queer club sober and seeing all of this new stuff and meeting new people has been totally eye-opening. I expected to feel really uncomfortable around all the drugs and alcohol that are part and parcel of this scene. The first time I went out sober I thought I would probably have to leave the club quickly after arriving. But instead I had a lot of fun and felt welcomed into a new environment. Over time I have found myself becoming part of a vast community of creative and loving people. I now have an entirely new family and support network who I can learn things from, who encourage me in my creative ventures and who support me emotionally and socially. There are certain things that your birth family understandably may not be able to teach you, such as true acceptance of your sexuality and an open mind to explore yourself in this way.

“I have found that there are lots of other sober people in the clubs and that actually not everyone is wasted! This has broken many pre-misconceptions for me.”

My first lessons in self-acceptance were taught to me through friends I met in 12 step fellowships. They help me to understand how to love myself and I’m so grateful for what I have been given within those fellowships as it is my utter core and get’s me out of bed and functioning – but this other network has truly extended my perceptions on life and given me further routes to explore it. The freedom I have within this scene to experiment with myself is more liberating than anything I have experienced before and I would not wish to go back to the place I was in before the club scene became a part of my life.

I have always struggled with social interactions and my diagnosis of Aspergers can probably explain some of the reasons for this. Using drugs and alcohol definitely helped me to be more confident in social situations. Cocaine was particularly helpful as it allowed me to ‘talk, talk, talk’ for hours. I thought that everyone loved me for it. But fast forward the tape and I was a total mess. Using drugs for me was going to cost me more than my confidence.

Now without the drugs and alcohol I find it very difficult to interact again. Although starting drag and working as a club host and performer has helped me to build my confidence, and I have learned how to surround myself with people who are loving and can teach me these skills with patience and understanding, some from 12 step fellowships and some from clubland. Another thing I always felt such shame around was my body. I have learned some truly invaluable lessons around this from my friends in clubland and now I often enjoy being without clothes and the feelings of freedom this brings.

In the digital age I think that it is no surprise that we have issues interacting on a face to face level. There is little motivation to start a conversation further than on an iPhone since the invention of dating apps. I’m still working and asking my more experienced friends on how to interact with people in this way as I think true friendship is invaluable, human contact is imperative for a happy soul and I’d like to have a high level of social confidence not in drag, too.

Furthermore, I have found that there are lots of other sober people in the clubs and that actually not everyone is wasted! This has broken many pre-misconceptions for me and I have often found myself indulging in deep philosophical discussions with other sober people in the corners of clubs.

Expectations can be overwhelming and I think a lot of people are expecting craziness from me, and probably some level of nudity and a strong sexual nature. But this is fine, I gave them this sober from the start and this is pretty much accurate of me most of the time. It is up to me to hold boundaries if I don’t fancy it on that particular night. If I’m booked to host but I don’t feel sexy that particular night then I dance a bit and find my mood has probably changed, and if it hasn’t then this is an opportunity to explore a different side of myself. I can be creative around my feelings.

If I really feel awful and have to leave for my safety then I leave, and if I’m struggling to leave I call a sober friend and they help me to leave. Being clean comes with it’s own set of issues, particularly around work, but if anything I have found clubs the most easy, flexible and understanding places of work. Expectations are just that. They will not always be met as we are humans and often this allows us to develop and grow.

I am often asked why I am in clubland and isn’t it dangerous for my addiction, so I ask myself why, too?

In conclusion, clubland is more than serving a purpose for me. It is where a lot of my friends and chosen family are, it is helping me to develop as an individual, it is mostly paying my rent in a city which no longer caters for artists and people with mental health differences and it is my second (and sometimes first) home.

I hope to remain clean and sober for the rest of my life as I know that I am an addict and when I pick up the first drink, drugs, shopping, food, or unhealthy sex, it will eventually lead to utter turmoil. I believe that this is the way I will achieve many of my dreams. I hope to continue to open my mind so that others can open theirs too, and I plan on having a business that is sustainable and helps other people as well as myself whilst also articulating myself through the release of art. Within sobriety I can remain teachable. When I am tainted by too many externals I become spiritually bankrupt and behave in an unconsidered manor. The club scene is crazy enough without drugs, and I am too. So for now I will enjoy it like that.

 


• The Service is a one–off no alcohol, no drugs event with DJ Kele Okereke (Bloc Party) spinning soulful, vocal Chicago house at St Peter’s 

(310 Kennington Lane, Vauxhall, SE11 5HY) on Saturday 16th May 16th, 7.00pm. No entry after 7.30pm.

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2 COMMENTS

  1. Great article. Gay scene not just about drugs and alcohol. People need role models and examples like these. I know so many people who have got clean and sober through NA and AA / 12 steps.

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