DIAMOND JUBILATION

What better way celebrate Her Maj The Queen’s sixty years of loyal service than with a boat load of London’s finest cabaret cockfrockers, backed up by a top queer-leaning orchestra?

We can’t think of one! Two Brewers are getting into the Diamond Jubilee spirit with one of their legendary street parties, featuring a glittering line-up of entertainment. We sent Jason Reid to ask some of the day’s stars a few royalty-relates questions…

Who’s your favourite queen of all time and why?

Titti La Camp: It can only be Queen Elizabeth the first! What a woman! Not only my favourite Queen but favourite Briton ever. She once said, “I know I have the body but of a weak and feeble woman; but I have the heart and stomach of a king”. That’s talk you don’t hear much of any more… plus she was ginger, and I have a thing for gingers.

Laquisha Jonz: Latifah! She won a Grammy, a Golden Globe AND got an Oscar nomination. The sister REPRESENTS!

 

What’s the queeniest thing you’ve ever done?

Rose Garden: In 1977, during the Silver Jubilee, I was crowned Jubilee Queen of the street where I lived, in Belfast, much to my mothers embarrassment. It was clearly a taste of things to come…

Kelly Mild: Prince Edward!

 

What do you make of the Queen and the royals in general?

Rose Garden: I love the Queen and everything she has done for our country. She’s never let us down. My favourite royal is Princess Anne because she is a woman who speaks her mind. And Harry is my future husband, so back off bitches!

Dolly Diamond: The Diamond Jubilee is a big part of why I’m back in London for a while, and I love the Queen. Of course you get a few hangers-on who seem willing to drain the public purse, doing very little in return (useless Kents). Friends of mine in Melbourne will be toasting the Queen’s health with a few drinks, I reckon. Toasting a woman that’s dedicated her life to serve Great Britain and the entire Commonwealth.

Sandra: The Queen is a great woman and she’s done so much for this country. I’m only keen on her, William, Kate and Harry to be honest. The rest can fuck off as far as I’m concerned.

 

What would you do if you were the Queen for a day?

Titti: I’d be commander-in-chief, of the armed services, for a day wouldn’t I? Oh you couldn’t even begin to print what manoeuvres I’d be ordering those lads into. As head of the Church of England I’d also allow marriage for anyone to marry whoever they liked; even your dog if you wanted!

Sandra: Well, one of the first things I’d bring into law is to make every public toilet open twenty four hours a day. Imagine all that COCK!

Mrs Moore: If I were the Queen for a day I’d give everybody the day off work and have a massive party in Hyde Park, or any one of the big parks in London. Naturally there’d be free booze for everyone, of course.

 

Which three people would you knight if you were the Queen?

Crystal D’canter:  Jimmy Smith [Two Brewers Guv’nor] – Because Kelly and I have always wanted him on his knees in front of us [laughs], Sarah Millican because she says “cock” a lot and we love it; and finally Audrey Roberts from Corrie for her lifelong services to the blue rinse brigade.

Mrs Moore: I would knight Will Young because I love him and he’s lush, dear. Su Pollard for services to camperey and Bobby Crush because he can do no wrong in my eyes.

 

If you could ask Her Majesty one question only what would it be?

Kelly Mild: “If you weren’t his Nan would you do Prince Harry? By the way, you probably aren’t his Nan”.

Sandra: I’d ask the queen “What did you REALLY think of Diana?”. Controversial I know; but I’d wanna know if the rumours were true about the Queen’s feelings towards her.

Laquisha: “Would you like me to ‘house sit’ in Buck Palace while you’re away at Balmoral?”

Titti: I’d ask her “Do you carry poo bags in your handbag to clean up after the corgies?” I can just imagine her kicking it under a hedge on the Palace lawn.

 

What do you think Americans REALLY make of the royals?

Kandi Kane Baxter: Americans view the royals as international celebrities. We know the Queen is the figurehead and not a ruler, and that she works very hard for the country she loves. We don’t understand why there is a Princess called ‘Michael’ though? Did he have a sex change?

• Don’t Miss Two Brewers Diamond Jubilee celebrations featuring the London Gay Big Band (pictured) on Monday 4th June, with a street party from midday to 5pm, and top cabaret from 4pm.

• DJ Demon, DJ Mike and DJ Little John provide the day’s tuneage.

• Two Brewers, 114 Clapham High Street SW4 7UJ.

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