Dylan Jones’ roundup of new music for people who listens to music!
Frank Ocean – Endless
Now, I love Frank Ocean. I think he’s sexy, original, talented, and a great role model for young black queer men (well, young queer men in general really). Which makes it all the more unfortunate that I can’t be bothered to listen to his new album. For a start, it’s a visual album, which is just way too much effort. Listening is one thing, but watching AND listening?
No. As much as I love Frank Ocean, I’m not willing to surrender two of my fave senses to his album. Secondly, it’s not even the album we were promised. It was supposed to be Boys Don’t Cry, which I think is a very promising name for an album.
I know you shouldn’t judge things by names, but we all do don’t we. Also, sidebar, I’ve always thought he’s one of those artists people pretend to like. Like The Knife. Or Alt J. Or Björk. Nobody ACTUALLY listens to Björk do they? Also it’s not on Spotify, and I don’t do that Tidal or Apple Music bollocks. ALSO, it’s already been described in reviews as “a concept record inspired by nature” (i-D) and “brilliantly confounding” (The Guardian). Both of those descriptions sound exhausting, and not the sort of thing I’d want to listen to whilst getting ready for a night out on the tiles at The Glory.
I’d maybe (MAYBE) listen to it if I were, I don’t know, doing acid in Alexandra Palace or something. Or having sex with someone called Xavier on an incense-infused house boat. But other than that, no. Soz babes.
Britney Spears – Do You Wanna Come Over
WELL. Britney’s been a bit weird recently hasn’t she. I’ve been fearing (ok, I’m not gonna lie, HOPING), that we’re all going to be treated to another public mental breakdown. What will it be this time? Maybe instead of shaving all her off, she’ll put loads of new hair in. Like twenty packets. And it’ll all trail behind her and she’ll become some mad tragic Ophelia-esque figure.
A metaphor for modern pop. Whatevs. Whether we get a breakdown or not, her new stuff has been WEIRD. Make Me is quite well-produced in some ways, but it doesn’t seem sure whether it’s a sultry trop-pop statement or a sentimental ballad. And don’t even get me started on the debacle with the music video. And I think we should probably all just pretend Private Show didn’t happen.
But the latest track she’s released, sorry, “dropped” from her new album is casual Grindr sex anthem, Do You Wanna Come Over. And it’s RIGHT UP MY STREET! I love an urgent electro club banger, and she’s even thrown in some wet ‘n’ wild guitars à la Me & My Girls by Selena Gomez. So yes, nine out of ten for Britney on this one! Actually, not quite nine. She’s not Neon Jungle. Eight. Eight out of ten.
Mollie King – Back To You
Mollie King could have done great things. At one point, she had her own range of limited edition Galaxy Bars, available in actual shops. She was also in a girl band called The Saturdays, who managed to release a greatest hits album without having any hits (to be fair actually, All Fired Up is a banger and has been the soundtrack to many a 6am hoolie. I’m looking at you, Gina Gee).
She has also been ROMANTICALLY LINKED to Prince Harry, who is young, royal and hot. You can’t really do better than that can you. But she BLEW IT ALL! She struck out on her own. Which is usually a mistake. Just ask Nadine Coyle. Anyway, she’s got a new single out called Back To You, and it’s really unoriginal and shit. Sorry Mollie, I’m not cutting any corners on this one.
You’ve got a good voice, good connections, and blonde hair. There is NO excuse to be releasing shit music. Come back to me if Dave Audé gives it a remix.
