• The Baggage Handler
Bilbo Baggage here will seem ideal at first; loving, sincere, genuine and looking for a committed relationship full of cute nights in playing Ker-Plunk and watching the Karsdashians. That’s the idea he’s desperately clinging to anyway. What festers beneath this friendly façade however, is a veritable Pandora’s box of monstrous issues left over from his last relationship (which was probably last week).
Engage with this one and pretty soon you’ll be fielding irate messages on the hour, every hour about who that boy in your last tagged photo is and why you didn’t text him before you went for a dump. Leave this one on the carousel, kids
Online Profile will say: “Lookin 4 Mr right, been hurt too many times b4 but givin this 1 last go. Cuddler. Romantic. Lookin 4 forever. WHY IS EVERYONE ON HERE SO RUDE?”
• Sleazy Bastard
This man has a one-track mind and the track likely leads to some weekend-long chemsex-fuelled chill out. Don’t bother trying to drag him on a date, you won’t even make it past the first course without him demonstrating his fingering technique on the fig starter. Probably whilst sucking down Viagra with his chardonnay. This walking erection is only interested in INSERTIONS and he’s harbouring a full body harness under his tearaway tux.
Online Profile will say: “OPEN MINDED” and not much else. But he will send you roughly 15 photos of his sphincter before you can say ‘hello’.
• Undercover Agent
No two ways about it, something in the milk ain’t clean with this one. The Undercover Agent will feed you any number of reasons why he can’t show you his face, why he can’t be seen in public, why you can’t know his real name, etc. Unless he’s messaging you from ISIS base camp though, the truth of the matter is almost always the same; this dude is a double–dipper. You’ll want to douche thoroughly before doing this one, lest you sic the suspicious spouse on yourself. They’ll be sniffing out your scent on his schlong.
Online Profile will say: “Looking for discreet. Your face pic gets mine. CAN’T ACCOM.”
• The Bone(R) Collector
The collector is the most common of the lower beings, lurking in almost every corner of the virtual dating world. He never meets but simply trawls through the ether, collating hundreds upon hundreds of cock pics so he may feast upon them in his filthy, fetid lair. He can be identified from his almost-immediate enthusiasm for swapping pics, coupled with the question “WHAT U INTO?”, hoping to incite a cyber-sex session while he saves your hard-ons to his hard drive.
Online Profile will say: The collector can be hard to identify as he comes in many guises. The profile pic might show you a sexy Spanish stallion, but you can be near-certain it’s a collector wearing his last victim’s visage.
