DRAGONY AUNT

This month, the divine Chrissy Darling answers your problems…

Q. I’m 22 years old, and single; in fact I’ve never had a serious relationship. I’ve recently found myself falling for one of my friends. He’s deadly promiscuous so I wouldn’t want a relationship with him, because it would never work, but more just want him in the sack. I can feel the sexual tension underlying our friendship, even though we’re not extremely close. How do I get over him? Or preferably, get under him?
Mark
Sydenham

Are you for real? You fancy your mate, you don’t want a relationship with him but you want to basically fuck him once. This is what I think you should do: set up a fake Grindr profile and contact your friend on it. Get him to send you dirty pics of himself and then just have a wank over them. You will save yourself lots of trouble and strife cause believe me, fucking mates is the best way of fucking a friendship up!


 

Q. Hi, I’m 19 years old and moved down here with two friends, just a few months back. Both of them have really got into the gay scene and they’ve really gone down the drugs and all-weekend chill-out route. I really love my friends, we’ve been mates since we started high school, but they’ve started to leave me out of things, as what they’re doing just doesn’t appeal to me. I don’t want to do drugs or spend weekends roaming around a darkened dungeon, but I’m worried they’re going to completely cut me out. I don’t really enjoy drinking, I much prefer to stay home smoking weed, as we all used to. But I know I have to make the most of the city, but have no one to play with. What should I do?
Jonathan,
Wimbledon

A. Awww bless, you sound really sweet, but at the same time an absolute crashing bore. Let me tell you something, you are in London now sweetie, so get with it. I don’t know what hick-town you’re from, but in London you get shit-faced and frequent saunas and do chill-outs – it’s called NETWORKING! It’s the only way to get a decent job down here. Whilst you stay in, wanking and sucking on a chillum, figuring out a way of getting a job in a burger bar washing lettuce, your mates are out securing jobs in the City as a consequence of noshing some banker off in a sauna, whilst gurning for England! Comprendo?


 

Q. I’ve just started sleeping with one of my friend’s exes, and although I know I’m partly in the wrong, I don’t feel I should be deprived of great sex just because he’s ‘off limits’. We’ve been having secret sex for weeks now, but I’m terrified about when it comes out – which it surely will, with the way scene-queens like to gossip. I’m not even sure that my friend will mind, but there is always the possibility that he’ll hit the roof. Should I tell him now before someone else does, or end it when I’m having so much fun?
Adam
Highbury

Who cares, you whore? You obviously have no respect for the ‘unwritten rules’ of friendship, so fuck away! I tell you what, set up a webcam in your kitchen, invite your friend round, get him really drunk and then show him your best, sharpest steak knives and whilst the knives are still on the kitchen table, tell him you’re sleeping with his ex. Please make sure that in your will, you get your next of kin to send me the video footage of your death – cause bitch, it will serve you right!


 

Q. I am a frequent sauna user, who started a job at a law firm last year. Last week I was showering after a particularly sweaty session and a familiar face walked past. My mouth dropped in surprise, but I told myself it had been a mistake. A little later, I treated myself to some blind, anonymous sex in the dark room, but when I left and looked back to see who’d been penetrating me for the last hour, there stood my hideous boss. Ever since he keeps brushing against my desk, giving me that knowing stare and threatening to tell my boyfriend, who cuts his hair, what we did. I don’t want to quit, I don’t want to do it again and I don’t want to lose my boyfriend – what should I do?
DL,
Clapham


I think what you should do first is get your arse down to the clap clinic! You say you don’t want to lose your boyfriend, but potentially giving him an STD by having “…some blind, anonymous sex in the dark room…” doesn’t seem to mean anything to you. Your boss really has you by the balls. So, if I was you I’d just fuck him on the sly and keep him happy, so he doesn’t tell your boyfriend – who knows, you might get a really good promotion, then you’d be able to trade in the old boyfriend for a new one. Why not? You don’t give a fuck anyway, otherwise you wouldn’t be whoring around saunas whilst pretending to have some misguided loyalty to your boyfriend!


 

• ‘Club Freak: The Remixes’ by Rich B and Chrissy Darling is out now, available from www.beatport.com. 

Advertisement

LEAVE A REPLY

Please enter your comment!
Please enter your name here