2015 may have been a tipping point for trans rights, but for non-binary people the fight for visibility, understanding and acceptance is still in its relative infancy. Chris Godfrey caught up with four genderqueer people about their experiences at work, with family and friends, on the scene and in wider society.
CJ Bruce
Not all non-binary people identify as trans, however some do (including me). I think people have generally been a lot more accepting of trans people recently, which probably has something to do with the increase of visibility in the media. People are finally starting to realise that just because you were assigned one gender at birth, that doesnât mean thatâs the one you have to put up with. Also, Iâm hopeful that people are starting to understand that there are more than just two genders available.
Language is a huge part of how we relate to one another, so pronouns can be an issue. The pronouns I prefer to be referred to by are gender-neutral pronouns such as âtheyâ, âthemâ, and âtheirsâ. My family have been trying really hard with these but they have trouble accepting the fact that Iâm even trans. Sometimes they still use âsheâ pronouns for me and whenever it happens it feels like a kick in the teeth, but Iâm trying to be patient.
At work, I just let them think Iâm male. Being a train driver, I donât have to interact with people as often as I would in most other jobs, so I donât see the same people at work every day. When youâre dealing with someone who youâre probably only going to see for a minute or two and trying to explain a concept that might be entirely new to them, it might not be worth the hassle and the potential non-acceptance. It is weird, though. Recently, I heard someone refer to me with âheâ pronouns and it took me a while to figure out who they were talking about because it just doesnât mesh with how I see myself. When people use the wrong pronouns to refer to you, itâs kind of like if you had a really embarrassing nickname when you were younger and all of a sudden people have started calling you that again.
âWe are raised to believe that only two genders exist and thatâs just not true.â
It can be quite frustrating at times, and I wish there was more talk about it. People have this mindset that if they havenât heard about it or seen it on TV before, it must be bullshit, and thatâs obviously not true. There has been recorded use of âtheyâ as a singular pronoun as far back as 16th century and has actually been awarded word of the year by the American Dialect Society this year due to its increase in usage.
We are raised to believe that only two genders exist and thatâs just not true. Itâs the same as we have been raised to believe that only two sexes exist and thatâs not true either. People donât like to question things that they see as fundamental truths unless it affects them directly. Maybe itâs because theyâre worried they might see themselves differently, and I understand that that is a scary concept. They also might just not have anything in their own lives that they feel they can relate to it.
Maybe, as simple as it sounds, it would be easier for people to understand non-binary people if they had more examples of it in their everyday lives. Like, if there were a character on Eastenders or something that was non-binary and used âtheyâ pronouns, people would find it easier to be like âOh yeah, I get that. Itâs like that one off the telly.â I canât wait for a time when itâs that easy!
Bill Savage
I definitely think that in the last year or two thereâs been so much more visibility of non-binary people, at least in certain circles. Part of that is down to figures like Jack Monroe coming out publicly, but itâs also the result of a much longer history of trans activism. When people talk about trans issues now non-binary people get mentioned more often and I feel like that has really come on recently. The ideas circulating about what trans is are broadening out, and thatâs really good.
But then, last September, there was the governmentâs response to an online petition asking for transgender people to be able to self-define their legal gender. The Ministry of Justiceâs response to non-binary people was basically to say that they had no intention of legally recognising people who define as a gender thatâs not male or female, and that they were not aware of âany specific detrimentâ experienced by non-binary people! So it feels like things are starting to be discussed, but itâs still not at a point where you can legally define yourself as something other than male or female.
Iâm not sure if legal change is the only thing we need. You are erased in other ways. Itâs not overt, but itâs just the world is set up for two genders and if you try to be anything else it sometimes feels impossible. Society just needs to be less gendered in general â like often you get asked for a title or a gender when thereâs really no need for it.
Thereâs just a chronic lack of awareness and a lack of knowledge about other gender identities. Like in that petition response, itâs just generally assumed there arenât many or even any people to whom this applies and therefore itâs not really an issue. So the progress is uneven, but starting to move in the right direction. I came out as non-binary about four years ago and I feel like even in that time thereâs been so much change and people are more aware of what it is.
âThe world is set up for two genders and if you try to be anything else it sometimes feels impossible.â
My queer friends are amazing so they get it and that was fine. Iâm out to my family, they took a bit longer to understand it, as did people at work. Working in a university is a relatively accepting atmosphere. Not completely, youâd be surprised, but itâs a lot better than some other places. My students are great. I do talk to them about it but itâs difficult. When I changed my name they got used to it pretty quickly, but itâs harder with pronouns. I am asking them to use âtheyâ now and some of them do and some of them donât.
The hardest thing is keeping hold of that sense that you are what you know you are, even though you rarely get acknowledged as such. Sometimes you have to exist in the face of the confident assumption that you donât. But you are legitimate; remember that.
Shy Charles
The word âgenderqueerâ is a broad category which encompasses people who feel either both or neither, or perhaps feel different ways at different times. Sean Miley Moore I think describes his gender as âpluralâ. Even the word queer has been adopted by people who donât want to be labelled and limited by thinking of themselves as just gay or lesbian, or because they want a word that also embraces all kinds of different ways of visually expressing yourself, or being in different kinds of relationships.
Iâve previously worked as an English teacher, as well as a few different jobs and actually being genderqueer in the work place presents a range of difficulties, depending on what you do. For instance, if you work in campaigning or activism, or I guess fashion, then it perhaps wouldnât be so much of an issue, or certainly less than other industries. But if you work in somewhere quite corporate or straight-laced, then it can crop up.
Being genderqueer has certainly limited me in terms wondering if I would feel welcome in a certain environment – âcan I go to that, can I apply to this jobâ, usually deciding for my self that I probably couldnât, because it would be too traditional, or too macho or whatever. I think these thoughts reflect the realities of the situation; I donât think Iâm being irrational or exaggerating.
There are job interviews that I havenât got and Iâm sure being genderqueer will probably have formed part of the reason people have judged me, because I usually do try to be myself and not think âoh well Iâll just dress as a boyâ.
âThere have been times in my life where Iâve been read as a cisgender female and experienced the misogyny and sexual harassment women face, rather than transphobia or homophobia.â
There have been times in my life where Iâve been read as a cisgender female and experienced the misogyny and sexual harassment women face, rather than transphobia or homophobia. But itâs quite rare for that to happen to me now because Iâm very seldom clean-shaven. And the thing about being genderqueer for me is that Iâm not unhappy about gendered as male or female, because Iâm both and neither of those things.
I only bother wearing makeup to work a couple of days a week. So Iâm kind of going through my life not identifying as male or female, but being seen as male quite a bit of the time. Often in my day-to-day life I donât look especially queer, at least I donât think I do. People would see me as a gay man I would say, albeit one with long hair, painted nails and the rest of it.
But Iâm still genderqueer even if I happen to go out that day wearing a beard, no make up and a tracksuit. Apart from the beard, thatâs exactly the way some women would dress from time to time. On occasions like that you question yourself because you think maybe I need to make more of an effort to show people who I really am. But then the onus shouldnât be on me to wander around looking a particular way just to flag myself up as this unusual person.
You can have these quite circular thoughts about stuff like this the whole time. You face these things each day; in small ways it permeates everything.
It would be wonderful to think that we are moving towards a world where in the first instance your gender has less of an impact on how youâre treated by others and the opportunities that you have. And from a trans point of view it would be good to move towards a world where people are less presumptuous.
I try to be fairly forgiving of peopleâs ignorance – it might not be their fault theyâve not been confronted with trans issues before, so I try to be patient as long as I can tell that someone is coming from a place of acceptance and making a bit of an effort.
Sean Curran
A lot of my friends are genderqueer and I think itâs easy to forget we all live in a bubble where we all understand about being careful about pronouns, about being respectful, about various different things. I think when you leave that bubble and enter into a more mainstream gay or lesbian scene, itâs quite shocking how little that community know about you. And also how much or how little they think they need to concern themselves with it.
My biggest issue is really about how genderqueer people fit into queer social spaces. Up until recently, I read as a man wearing makeup and when I was in predominantly gay male spaces I was pretty invisible. In the last few months Iâve stopped wearing make up for a variety of reasons, and now all of a sudden Iâve become very, very visible in the spaces I used to be invisible, and vice versa.
All of a sudden Iâm finding myself being approached by people who would never have approached me a few months ago when I wore make up. I went on a few dates with someone a while ago and showed them a picture of how I looked in makeup and they said that they wouldnât have started dating me had I looked like that. They said I looked âa little bit trannyâ, to which I said âwell I am a bit trannyâ.
I think itâs strange because I exclusively date men, or male identifying trans people (but mainly cis-men), and sometimes I take advantage of the fact that I read as a gay man because itâs easier.
âI think the biggest misconception is that genderqueer people are on their way to somewhere else.â
At the moment Iâm seeing someone who doesnât know much about genderqueer people but heâs interested in it and unfazed by it. Ultimately how I identify shouldnât really affect them. But I guess if youâre dating someone who exclusively identifies as a gay man, they have to rethink their own identity in relation to you, because youâre not a gay man, so theyâre not in a relationship with a man.
I have an old friend who really had to think about the concept of her own identity. She identified as a lesbian for a long time and was then going out with a non-binary trans person. They had to start using the word queer, which theyâd always really hated, because they accepted that they werenât going out with a woman so it was undermining the other personâs identity to continue to identify as a lesbian.
Iâve only recently got the confidence to start dating at all and before that I went for years of being completely invisible. It was laughable because I tried to engage with things like Grindr and the only people who would communicate with me tended to be much older married men who fetishized effeminate men. And it wasnât what I was looking for, because I didnât want to be a fetish. Iâm not gonna turn up in fishnets and theyâd probably be quite disappointed if they saw me just dressed like a mid-2000s emo kid.
When I was a child I was always surrounded by women and I was always surprised when I was recognised as a boy. Because I always felt more like a girl, but I didnât feel like I was a girl. For a long time I sort of assumed that all gay men felt that way. But itâs only more recently that Iâve realised that I donât have to think âam I a transgender woman or am I just like a really camp man?â
I think the biggest misconception is that genderqueer people are on their way to somewhere else. I think itâs mainly to do with how trans âjourneysâ are depicted in the media. Itâs this obsession with the âbefore and afterâ reveal, the shock factor. It happened with Caitlyn Jenner, and while there were many good things to come from that, I think the whole thing was ultimately just repeating the same old tropes but on a much bigger scale.
Itâs this idea that you go from being unhappy and trapped to liberated and happy. And thatâs just not the case at all. There is an in-between area thatâs not just part of a âjourneyâ, itâs the destination. You donât need to be constantly thinking âwhere am I going, what am I going to look like, who am I going to beâ. Youâre there now. You can be there. It isnât necessarily something that means you have to settle for one or the other. I think thatâs quite liberating.