Our guide to the best places to do “couply” things around London.
Valentine’s Day is approaching! Bet you wish you didn’t send that Grindr message now dontcha! One minute you’re sat on your sofa at home with your phone, hoping for MAYBE, some half decent sex followed by a joint and a couple of episodes of Archer on Netflix. The next, you’re 18 months in, you’ve got two French bulldogs, an £85 blown glass Ikea bowl, and his parents are coming to stay from Bournemouth.
Oh well! That’s life now! That’s what we get for fighting for equal rights. The faceless march of heteronormativity. We’re expected to, like, hold hands and buy flowers and “go for dinner”, whatever THAT means.
But like it or not, we’ve bought our Cath Kidston bedspreads and now we have to lie in them! Valentine’s Day, here we go! Chocolates, roses, flavoured lube, the works. To prepare you, we’ve compiled a list of the most romantic places and activities around London, where you can go and be all couply and shit.
Take a stroll down a disused railway
Yes, yes, this is very TimeOut “London’s hidden treasures” but it IS a worthwhile thing to do. Parkland Walk is a disused railway track running between Finsbury Park and Highgate, which has been turned into an enchantingly overgrown public footpath. It’s quite tucked away too, so you’ll be left at peace from careening buggies and Instagramming tourists. It’s a bit cruisey too, if you’re into that.
Go around B&Q
A very coupley thing to do. You can pretend to be masc with the tools, select a nice house plant for your tiny Stoke Newington kitchen, and make fun of the Dulux paint colours that sound like drag queens (“Jasmine Shimmer”, “Purple Pout”).
Go to IKEA
If your relationship survives THAT, then it means you’re really in love. A valentine’s miracle!
Go to Oxford
Not strictly a romantic London activity because, well, it’s not in London. But Oxford is just over an hour away on the train (not Southern Rail, don’t worry) and it’s well worth a visit if you haven’t been already. Spiralling turrets, vaulting gables, charming little boutiques, tranquil canals. All very romantic. And you can hold hands without getting beaten up, which is always nice.
Go to the aquarium
Now, London Aquarium is an absolute bloody rip-off, and it’s full of ear-splittingly loud American tourists, and there are loads of horrible annoying kids running around. And the animals aren’t even very good, it’s just a couple of small crabs and some stunted, crestfallen “sharks” that are probably actually just big dogfish. But…actually there’s no buts. It doesn’t really have any redeeming qualities. Maybe don’t go to the aquarium actually. Forget we said anything.
Go to Le Mercury in Angel
This is THE place to go if you want the classic Valentine’s date meal experience that you might have missed out on in previous years if you were in the closet or in Chariots. A gorgeous, ornate little French restaurant, with a sea of candlelit tables, attentive staff and delicious, good value food. So there ya go.
Go and see Moonlight at The Barbican
The critically-acclaimed gay drama is screening at the romantically brutalist Barbican Centre throughout February. Guaranteed to be an emotive and culturally rewarding experience! Unlike the aquarium. Head to barbican.org for listings.
Get married
We can do that now!
For better or worse.
Watch Beautiful Thing at home with some Kettle Chips and a bottle of wine
Now THIS sounds properly romantic. If you’re in a long term, loving relationship, it’s really mostly about comfort and companionship. And there’s no better way to take full advantage of that, than by eating crisps and drinking wine in bed, watching a lovely 90s gay classic. Happy Heteronormative Valentine’s Day, one and all!
Ew, gays.
