Meth knows what’s coming your way in 2015…
Aries
2014 has been a good year for you, but in 2015 your naturally argumentative nature will return meaning that Pete from HR will stop looking at you in a way that makes your knees go weak. But don’t worry, if you can stop being a dick then maybe your friends will get back in touch.
Taurus
February will not be kind to you. But I sense you’ll be repaid in karmic retribution around the 16th May. I can’t quite work out why this will happen…the gin’s kicking in.
Gemini
Two is company, three’s a crowd and four…well you’ve got yourself a party there. Keep your friends close and plentiful as we prepare for the year of the Goat but be wary of dark figures from your questionable past.
Cancer
By July 11th Saturn will have entered your third house improving communication and mood, but most importantly improving flexibility meaning you’ll finally be able to complete position number 49 in the Kama Sutra without putting your back out.
Leo
Avoid Harry. He’s bad news even if he is super dreamy and passes you the sweetest love notes during 3rd period Chemistry class. True love is waiting down the hall in English Literature. Or the Janitor’s closet. Take your pick.
Virgo
Jupiter’s transit could spell disaster for any financial ventures you may undertake this year. Avoid white vans at all costs. Although that’s generally good advice any time. Nothing good happens in a white van.
Libra
Girl, you turned it up this year! And thanks to the perfect alignment of the Big Dipper in your fourth quadrant 2015 will see you take it further and further. Keep relaxed and you’ll take it all in… your stride.
Scorpio
You thought 2014 was okay, just wait ‘till you see how average 2015 will be. With Neptune in retrograde there is no end to your mediocrity, or the soul crushing mundanity of your day-to-day existence. Keep on keeping on trooper.
Sagittarius
2015 will be a period of civil war for Sagittarius. With rebel spaceships, striking from a hidden base, winning their first victory against the evil Galactic Empire. Avoid kale and the colour orange, it washes you out.
Capricorn
With the moon returning to Mercury, 2015 will see the return of that £20 note you thought you lost on the N98 back from a night out in Soho with Dave and Vicki. Hint: it’s in your coat pocket. Idiot.
Aquarius
Don’t do drugs. Stay away from sugar and caffeine. Gluten is the devil and should be destroyed. Avoid heights and birds larger than a canary. Beware countries that end in the letter S and do not travel anywhere on an Irish Bank Holiday. Boy bands spell bad fortune and between 7pm and 11:30pm on a Saturday is not your friend.
Pisces
The undeniable tension between Venus, Mars and Uranus will find Pisces stranded in Zone 3 with no knickers on at 4am most weekends next year. Cold showers and Margaret Thatcher themed erotica will go a long way in curbing your hormones but it’s probably easier to just go with it and get tested frequently. Stay safe kids.
