Buenas noches, cariños. I am La Pequeña and I am known for my style, my class, my impeccable dressing and being the life and soul of the party. Listen carefully and I can help you shine like the star you should be too. Being in the spotlight at a club is not easy, so here you have my tips on burning the brightest in the night…
1. Always Look Great: This is one of the hardest and most of the time it’s just impossible for the majority. You must look cool, it doesn’t matter how: wearing an amazing dress, with perfect make up, fabulous hair, showing off more skin than normal… this always works – if you can afford it (if not, it’s better you don’t try). Accessories are very important; you need to pay attention to every detail, as a bad choice can ruin your look; earrings, bracelets, the hot guy you’re using as your handbag… Never forget your personal hygiene! You can look like a Victoria’s Secret angel but if you smell like an old sponge, no one will fly with you.
2. Don’t be a Diva: If you have style, you are hot and you look beyond amazing, you are multiplying the possibilities to be hated. I know this very well, based on my personal experience. It’s happened all my life. Acting like a diva won’t help though. Look like a diva, never act like one.
For every single person who doesn’t like you, you will have at least ten who love you, and in this case, majority rules.
Don’t waste your time trying to be loved by everyone; it never works and makes you look fake and silly. And don’t waste your time on people with bad taste, full stop.
3. Believe in Yourself: You are no better than anyone else. But they don’t have to know that. You are unique and beautiful and you need to believe it or nobody will. You are your number one fan. Walk through the club like Naomi walks the catwalk; like Beyoncé moves her hips on the stage; like Kim Kardashian practises oral sex on tape. You are Kim, you are NOT Tulisa. Your blowjobs are the best and you know it …and probably half of this club too. Time to make sure the other half know…
4. Be Attractive: Be beautiful at all the times. Keep your distance but come closer smiling from time to time. A shy ‘hi’ in the distance with a smile always works. Dance sexy and use eye contact to make sure the rest know what you want: love at the first sight (only fall three times per night, otherwise you are too easy and less attractive); Wanna buy me a drink? (10 times max or you will look like trash); Get out of my way bitch (unlimited uses). Dancing to house music like it’s lambada with the hottest guy of the night will put you in the spotlight within 30 seconds. Everybody will want to be you (but then, every body does anyway). Envy is the most powerful tool to keep their attention.
5. Be Funny: Humour will help you to be the most important character in a party. I am lucky because I am naturally sarcastic and have an acid tongue, the best humour ever in my opinion (and mine is the only opinion to be considered when I’m the one writing). It needs to flow naturally, don’t force it. Don’t try to be funny if you are not, there is nothing worse and more pathetic than this. It can even have the opposite effect and make you the most annoying person at the party. If you are not funny you, you might have something else to offer: nice body? Nice face? MONEY? There is always something to offer.
6. Step Back: Being the centre of the attention can be physically and emotionally exhausting, let others to have their minute of glory and you will look nicer. What you want is every person knowing that you have been there. Leave your mark, then leave with the best company. Others need more time to achieve the same things as you, so be nice. Make it your good deed of the week and karma will give you something back. Hopefully jewellery.
7. Be Kind: Easier said than done. Nights are full of interesting people but many exhausting, intense and foolish specimens also. Be patient. Smile. Try to look interested. But if it’s going on for far too long, just turn around and leave. There are many excuses to be used, from “Sorry, I need to go to the loo” to “Sorry, but my boyfriend is very jealous and aggressive” to just being honest and explaining carefully “I don’t like people spitting on me when they speak (but spitting other times is okay).”
Always try to be kind though, rudeness is not trendy anymore. Keep your attitude for the bedroom…
8. Keep it Short and Simple: You can’t speak with the same person for a long time, unless it’s the hottest guy ever. If that’s the case, you can top up and keep the conversation going for hours. For the rest, make it quick, no more than 20 seconds! Avoid talking about politics, religion or how bad the weather is in the UK. Dull. Change it for sex, music and lovers (not all at once though, or people could get tired).
Another thing you can do is to look simple and dumb. It works with many people, as they think you are on their level. It makes them comfortable. I’m not physically capable of looking dumb, but it’s a good option for some. Acting like you’re legally blonde you could win you millions of fans. Look at Reese Witherspoon.
9. Be Different: No explanation needed.
10. Time to Go: Apparently the best moment to leave the party is when it hasn’t finished, not to stay until the end. You end up sharing the dance floor with the worst kind of people; the drunkest, the highest, the desperately horny ones. This can damage your image…To be honest with you though, I don’t give a shit! I’m always the last to go.
