You may recognize Damien Killeen as a buxom bar wench at Ku Lisle Street. But he’s also a talented actor and writer. This week he kicks off a new series in which QX looks at gay men’s relationship to shame and sexuality…
The sense of shame is heavy in the GUM clinic. Conversation is non-existent. Being here is tantamount to wearing a neon sign stating proudly that you have had sex; except no one is proud here. All that excitement and satisfaction you got from fucking Mark from accounts seems out of place. Because you’re a whore who had sex. Talking up sex is great when it’s all smoke and mirrors and Malibu and Coke but people really don’t like inescapable labels and, so we’re told, no one wants damaged goods.
Sexual purity is power. Purity is the commodity you get to trade in at some point for your happily ever after. You accrue purity by being a stranger and you maintain it by being discreet. Now admittedly last weekend you had sex with eighteen teenagers on a boat, but that doesn’t count, that was a boat. Who’s going to find out about that? Still, here you are, it’s Tuesday morning, you’re in the GUM Clinic and you’ve got your big old whore label around your neck.
The problem that a lot of people seem to have within the gay community is that it is not, apparently, a boat. Discreetness is rarely priority and here ‘Big ol’ Whore’ is a clothing brand and the style du jour. I’ve lost count of the am• e treated normally if they acted more normal’. So who defines the concept acceptable? How about self-respect? Normal?
The normative is defined by the majority so I guess that would be straight people. You want me to act like a straight person so you have an easier time acting like a straight person. I can like musical theatre and listen to Cher because straights are pretty comfortable with that now, but please don’t have too much sex with the wrong people in the wrong places. I’ve spent the majority of my life thinking the same way so am pretty familiar with the argument and have thus grown into a young man with all the exotic flair of a conservative, Mormon pamphlet distributor. Gays seem to appreciate this and I am often complemented with how ‘un-gay’ I seem. Wonderful. We can all achieve ungayness and the elusive happiness that must bring. Right?
“You want me to act like a straight person so you have an easier time acting like a straight person.”
The system straight society instigated is to idealise sexuality, to control, to moralise, and if in doubt to deny, deny, deny. When the motto does seem to be ‘don’t ask don’t tell’ it’s fairly odd seeing so many gay men clamouring for the same thing – really I thought we established some time ago it’s not a healthy slogan for us. Repression is not a solution for repression. This system is so all encompassing socially, that a straight person can rarely escape its burden; the drive towards finding a partner, procreating, trying not to smother that partner with a pillow because you have fallen out of lust with them and you think they stole your youth and ambition – it leaves many people shattered and depressed.
Guess what though? The fact you have a dick and you like dick automatically puts you on the other side of that system. Hurrah! Yes, our desperate search for acceptance might lead us to try and emulate that system, to cram ourselves back into it (in general gays love cramming stuff into stuff). However, that system we are so keen to emulate isn’t creating happy, satisfied people who understand themselves. Why do we spend time looking to straight models of behaviour when all they bring is stigma and self-hate? If a straight system of identity brings you shame and dissatisfaction then create a new system you can relate to. Sex and relations with others are experiments that offer you the chance of understanding what it is you need from people. They work much better if you offload some of that ‘straight’ baggage.
Maybe then, when you find yourself on a doctor’s table at 9am with a nurse inserting a cotton bud into your butt you could relax, forget shame and take it for what it is – a nice day out of the house.
• Damien will be performing in the Arcola Queer Collective’s ‘A Midsummer Night’s Dream’ at the Arcola Theatre (24 Ashwin Street, Dalston, E8 3DL) from Tuesday 20th – Saturday 24th January.
• See our Arts feature for more information.
