So, because we’re cultural commentators and media tastemakers (lol), we like to peruse popular culture every so often.
Usually we just get drunk and have hot gay sex which is NOT what the majority of the population do, believe it or not. The world would be a much better place if they did, but whatevs. It’s a shame. Barack Obama would probably be really good at hot gay sex. So would Vladimir Putin. Maybe they would have hot gay sex together. Barack as the first lady of Russia. In drag. Camp.
ANYWAY getting off topic. The majority of the population do not get drunk and have hot gay sex. But what they DO do, is sit at home and watch shit TV. So we thought, in an already pointless effort to connect with the general public, that we’d make a list of our favourite shit TV shows! Shit TV shows that are actually amazing. The criteria for this are as follows: they need to be shit. But not so shit that they’re unwatchable. Ant & Dec’s Saturday Night Dinner for example, does not make the grade because it’s too shit. It’s not even funny-shit, or ridiculous-shit, it’s just shit. Also that X Factor program. Why do people watch it. Like, why?
No, they have to have some sort of redeeming quality, like an unhinged presenter, or hilariously bad special effects, or SOMETHING. So here we go! Shit TV Shows That Are Actually Amazing! In no particular order.
Ground Force
CHARLIE DIMMOCK AND HER WATERING CANS! Ground Force was shit. But amazing! The amount of drama involved in planting a bed of pansies was hilarious. The way it was shot made it seem like the “groundforce team” were like some sort of botanical version of the Avengers. Also Charlie Dimmock, what a deliciously misguided woman. Like Rebekah Brookes on E. Charlie Dimmock once did a groundbreakingly awful photoshoot dressed as Marilyn Monroe, see above.
“The way it was shot made it seem like the “groundforce team” were like some sort of botanical version of the Avengers.”
The Antiques Roadshow
We’ve all sat and watched The Antiques Roadshow in a sort of hungover daze on a Sunday afternoon haven’t we. I once got entranced whilst watching it in the penthouse of a wealthy Swiss banker who I woke up with. I got so entranced by Fiona Bruce’s eyebrows that I didn’t take the hint when he kept making noises about needing to get on with his day. In the end he turned it off, slammed the television onto the floor and yelled “I HATE the Antiques Roadshow.” Hilarious. Like, I can understand people not particularly liking the Antiques Roadshow, but hating it is bizarre because it’s so innocuous. The best bit is when they tell people how much things are worth, ESPECIALLY when they think things will be worth more, and they discover their great grandmother’s treasured silver teapot they’ve been hanging onto for 200 years is worth approximately £1.45.
“I can understand people not particularly liking the Antiques Roadshow, but hating it is bizarre because it’s so innocuous.”
Wives With Knives
Wives…WITH KNIVES! This was first brought to my attention by chat show host, drag queen and general purveyor of ridiculousness, Wendy Williams. She watches it with a snack every week, apparently. It does what it says on the tin really. It’s a “documentary” series, but of course because it’s American everything’s insanely over the top and “dramatized.” My favourite episode is Season 3, Episode 3, titled “The Sexual Misfit”. The story of Krista Goley of Jefferson, Ontario, who grew up as an “awkward teen with a dream”. She ran away and joined the circus. Not metaphorically, she joined an actual circus. Then she was accused of “misconduct” (?!) with the lions (?!), so ran away from the circus and joined the army. She met and fell in love with fellow new recruit Tim, then one night randomly stabbed him to death. Now THAT. Is good television.
“She met and fell in love with fellow new recruit Tim, then one night randomly stabbed him to death. Now THAT. Is good television.”
Location, Location, Location
Now if you know me, you’ll know I LOVE Location, Location, Location. I once met Kirstie Allsopp at an organic food festival in Devon and I was honestly more star struck than I have been by anyone in my entire life. Kirstie was very sweet and recommended the homemade marmalade. She is NOT sweet in her voiceovers on Location, Location, Location. My favourite line from her might have been when she congratulated a sweet young couple when they put down a deposit on a lovely little house, and then in the voiceover said “Surprise, surprise, cash-strapped Sunita’s gone for the budget-busting bungalow, and her long-suffering husband is going to have to foot the bill.” Also, she once posted a hilarious photo of her and Phil “litter-picking” in Victoria Park, proudly holding a piece of litter they’d found. It was a baggie. And it still had a bit of white powder in it. Lol. So really it’s not so much the show I love, but Kirstie. So yeah.
“Surprise, surprise, cash-strapped Sunita’s gone for the budget-busting bungalow, and her long-suffering husband is going to have to foot the bill.”
Take Me Out
Now, Take Me Out is, undeniably, mass-consumable television in its most basic, trashy form. And Paddy McGuinness is the sort of person I’d move tube carriages to avoid. BUT, the show has hints of genius. Like the girls they get on it! WHERE DO THEY FIND THEM?! A bejeweled, make-up caked parade of nonsense, all waving and laughing women, full of sexual innuendos and Boots meal deals. Hilarious! Great to watch with a drag queen and a line of coke.
SO THAT’S THAT. Shit TV shows. Oooh I feel all warm and fuzzy and mainstream. NOT.
*gets drunk, has hot gay sex*
