Following the recent Brexit vote, there’s been much ruminating about London becoming independent. I mean, it probably wouldn’t ever happen, but it’s a fun idea, right? And what we all need now is LOTS of fun and laughter. It got me thinking though, imagine a London run by cabaret artists and drag queens. Just for the giggles, here’s how I think the independent cabaret state of London would look…
Prime Minister
Son Of a Tutu
A unifier, a diplomat and a good socialist woman (LOL), Son Of a Tutu is the queen that should head an independent London. Her infectious charm and passion would ensure London remains a harmonious melting pot of diversity and talent. But don’t get on the wrong side of her as she is a political aficionado who knows her stuff. Putin would be putty in her hands.
Deputy PM
David Hoyle
If you’ve ever seen one of David Hoyle’s shows, you’ll know he’s the perfect person to deal with the likes of Trump and Clinton. He’d work hard to drive the corruption out of London by replacing the bosses of big banks with Buddhist monks. And the monarchy? Well…. We could always have another referendum? They’re all the rage right now. Can you imagine the international summits? ‘ABSOLUTE FUCKING SILENCE!’
Chancellor
Meth
Having dealt with international artists’ demands (what could I mean?) and the fight for cabaret venues, Meth would make sure that our precious places of fun would REMAIN, not LEAVE London’s cityscape. Fair fees for all artists; no cowboy agents, and property developers kept at bay would be high on the agenda. Oh and free drag bags for all.
Education
Michael Twaits
Cabaret studies would replace religious education in all London schools. Michael would of course be responsible for devising the curriculum. How to drag up, paint your face, dressing room etiquette and drag history would be compulsory. Pictures of Divine and Lily Savage will adorn the assembly hall walls and Lola Lasagne and Myra DuBois will be school governors, with half-rimmed spectacles hanging around their neck, naturally.
Health
Ruby Jones
The promotion of good mental and physical health would be paramount. Burlesque and queerlesque classes would be free to all, and body image expectations would be all but eradicated. Nipple tassels would be handed out at tube stations instead of free media propaganda. Burlesque your way to beauty!
Culture
Miss Jason
MJ would promote camp, queer culture better than anyone around. Along with Maisie Trollette they’d turn that London Live channel into a 24/7 celebration of drag and cabaret. Instead of showing old re-runs of jaded sitcoms Londoners would be treated to archive footage of Regina Fong and Drag Idol would be televised live. The word ‘dear’ would also be mandatory in every sentence.
Defence
No One
The independent cabaret state of London would be a peace-loving and neutral place. Sorry, Tony Blair, we won’t be needing your services old boy.
